by justine

I am feeling so anxious / energetic / busy… can’t pinpoint it. My mind feels numb and blank, yet I know it’s just a facade. I am not at “overwhelmed” yet, but  that could hit at any moment. It all feels silly too b/c I don’t have too much to do. Yes, I’m busier than usual. Yes, I’m used to being along 9+hrs per day and now I’m not…but how can I feel such manic energy and then crave coffee? It is not a truly lively phase, but something else. Heck, I don’t feel lively at all! It’s like my brain and body can’t keep up with the energy…but where is that push or pull or vibe coming from?

I don’t want to read. I haven’t been writing at all, not even offline. It’s as if too much information has come in and I need to… I don’t know. I can’t even form a full sentence. Is this what feeling blocked is like? I am not depleted… or maybe I am. I don’t feel empty. I feel… surfacy…like I can’t get past the “Nice day today” statement. “Sure is.”

I spent last week adjusting to a new schedule where I am not alone all day after a trip to Vegas (over-stimulation capital of the world). While I’m feeling less depressed with the increase in human contact, I’m also feeling there is no quiet. There is no space. Then, some work stuff picked up, my evenings became busier and we spent the entire weekend in a business training.

All I’ve done is take information IN. I haven’t created anything – no writing, no music, not even a delicious dinner. I guess I need something that touches my soul instead of my head. And here I am in the DreamLab course and I have yet to try any of it, really. Let’s be honest – thinking about doing something is as exhausting (sometimes more so) than actually doing it – and yet because of all the mental energy the thinking takes, we feel like we’ve done something.

I keep trying to focus on the doing. Small, doable steps. It keeps the “overwhelmed” at bay, but not 100%. Napping helps too, but I have to be careful that’s a rest tactic and not an escapist tactic. Doesn’t help that I haven’t been sleeping well. Is it speedy Mercury? I can’t say it’s Summer b/c here in SoCal it’s a cool gray lately. (Normally, I wouldn’t mind this but it’s just another instance where the CA weather doesn’t align with my biorhythms at all.)

So, what to do?

Probably nothing. Just keep going with the flow, riding this wave of slightly manic energy while I go from zero human contact to constant and back again to zero. It’ll be an interesting few weeks.