Alone, But Not Alone

by justine

I spent the week alone, but not alone. Twas a good week, but still not what I want. That little slice of heaven feeling escapes me. The power to create my schedule, to be the queen of my days is so enticing and then, once given the power, I fail. Maybe that’s too harsh a word, but I escape, I avoid…

My night’s are ripe with anticipation of the wonderful things I can accomplish in the morning. Sometimes this feeling even hits me in the late afternoon, yearning for books I’ll read or passages I’ll write late into the evening. My little dream plan never pans out.

In the mornings I find myself caught up – caring for the dog (I know I need to figure out how to put myself in front of this duty), checking email, eating breakfast, beginning work. In the evening it’s sleepiness or loneliness or a headache that obscures my path.

Looking back, I’m amazed at just how much time I had this week (don’t we all?) and how it just flew. Coffee meetings, emails, phone calls, books, traffic, cooking, lunches and yet, hardly any of it “result producing” or purely relaxing. I guess it would be nice if every activity was a combination of those two, but ack – what is my point?

My point is that I filled my days with those things to stay afloat, alert, above the crushing loneliness. I wasn’t thinking or feeling deeply. I did not create. Yes – I was a good friend, I connected with people – but my brain feels burnt out, my throat is sore.

We’re all trying to find a balance, I know this, but it’s hard for me to balance things that I’m not sure I even want to be doing. This is not a question of the order of the parts, this is are we even working with the correct pieces? B/c, honestly, I don’t know what I want. I’m unsure of how a more lovely life looks and unable to motivate myself to do things I think fit that mold. (One could argue that, if I really wanted to be doing these things, motivation wouldn’t be an issue, but I digress…)

I am not scientific, but I’ve played with the idea of just running different schedules each week or day. So, if the goal is to post every day is it really that hard to write from 8-8:30AM? No. Can I write a 600 words or less post in 30min. Yes. Ok. Can I check email and then make my calls around 11AM. Sure thing. But in the actual motions, things seem much more difficult.

I spend my days alone, wavering between what I should be doing and what I don’t want to be doing. Being productive, that high of accomplishment, that intense concentration of work, seems to be a great antidote for the drama in my head. Focus on this task, feel challenged, enter flow even, and then enjoy the feeling of achievement. But it’s so scary to do it alone, to constantly have to support yourself… I’m whining.

I know there’s a core point in here, same nameless feeling right now, but my hope is that by writing more often and interchanging the parts will help me create the life where I can post on a Friday and feel full of accomplishment and gratitude for the week that has past.

Then again, maybe I just need an attitude shift… What do you think?