Telling All One’s Heart

by justine

“Courage originally meant ‘To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.’ “

(Took Brene Brown‘s quote above from this blog)

Well, isn’t that interesting? Interesting, by the way, is a word a friend says is my cover word. Like, if I say something is “interesting” what I really mean is “I have too many emotions wrapped up in this to articulate how I feel about it just now”. But really, for the above quote, I do mean compelling.

I was asked by the DreamLab team to write up things I am asking to be courageous about, but I felt silly. Courageous? You mean, having courage will make getting out of bed in the morning easier? I couldn’t wrap my head around the word. It’s evident in my Mondo Beyond profile where I put “I’m really excited about tribe and gratitude” – completely left “courage” out of the picture.

But if I use the definition above as my basis, what I really do want to cultivate more of is speaking all my heart. Not in an overly gushing way, but to be true to myself and let that truth be known.

If this all reads a bit fuzzy it’s because I have yet to explain this to myself, let alone to you.

Here’s a tiny list of thoughts I’ve had recently:

  • I don’t know why, but I do not speak about my childhood illness. Just peeling back a small layer of what that whole story means for me is too much to handle on a daily basis. It may be the key to uncovering the little ball of light that is truly me.
  • When I think about my tribe, I see a huge group of people who think they know me, but they don’t. They do nothing but ask me for favors. I feel resentful and exhausted. Of course, this is depressing and even more so that I don’t have anyone to share my pain with. An ah-ha moment happened when I thought “Well, instead of searching for that ever perfect, supportive, unrealistic tribe, why don’t you focus on the good people in your life and work to deepen your relationships with them?”. Smart gal, that inner me.
  • I am learning to give in to my hormonal cycle. Anyone else out there find there’s only about 10 days per month they feel energetic, care-free and well-rested?
  • It’s OK to be melancholy, sad and otherwise not chipper. It’s also OK to laugh until I cry.
  • Contemplating finding my next job with a non-profit. I want to work hard and have my work matter.
  • And the biggest thing? Realizing that I did, indeed, have art-ful pursuits when I was a kid. Collage in art class, journaling, writing music and photography. All of the things I’m drawn to now in all the blogs I peruse. There will probably need to be a separate post on this new understanding, but it really feels like a new beginning… like I’m meeting myself for the first time.

The past few years have been what I’ve deemed the Doldrums (a colorless place where thinking and laughing are not allowed – see The Phantom Tollbooth). They were also a Saturn cycle. While I’ve felt my life expanding recently, I’m still in a challenging (albeit boring) place. My hope is this is just the beginning of living the life I am here to live.