Glad for Art
by justine
I know there is a cycle to everything, so it doesn’t surprise me this blog is following a random set of dates that very well may be its exact “schedule”. Posting more often is important to me, it’s exhilarating, but life gets in the way. Sometimes I don’t post because I don’t know what to say, have too much to say, don’t have time, or don’t make time. Because it feels too good or really bad. Because I am unsure of how honest I want to be here.
Perfectionism is a topic for another post, but it’s becoming clearer that my perfectionism creates my need to control which in turn masks some perceived weakness I think I have. While this perfection protest is an awesome idea, I find it utterly impossible to participate at this moment. It’s as if it doesn’t compute for me.
This is where I need some space… I hold some belief that I need to fix everyone else’s problems and that it will just.be.easier if I do it myself. They can’t possibly fix their own problems without my help, nor am I acting “responsibly” if I don’t react to their drama. Immediate answers, attention, help and advice for everyone but myself.
It needs to stop. Can’t just snap my fingers, though, and make this happen. It’s going to be a process, a learning experience, just like my job, my relationship, owning a pet and this blog. Perfectionists don’t like learning though – it makes us feel dumb and uncomfortable.
Creating is the best way I can see to skirt around myself and make my way through on this journey. (I originally wrote “Putting myself first” but that is a loaded statement).
Tanya Davis‘s “How To Be Alone” video made me extremely happy months ago, but today it’s her art video that lifts me up. I’m finding it hard to explain where I’m at beyond what you just read, so maybe Tanya’s words can take the place of mine. I’m very glad she made this art, b/c I did get something good out of it (1:19).
I question the outcome of the outpouring of myself / If I tell everyone my stories will it keep me healthy and well / would it give me purpose / and to this world, some sort of service / is it worth it?
Allowing Myself 
[…] I am sharing this because the above fits in a way that I’m able to articulate. My body, my subconscious felt and expressed this emotional complexity on a deeper, less tangible level. I do feel trapped in parts of my life, just not the parts my mother thinks. I do struggle with our relationship even as I try to heal. I have been self-sabatoging (who hasn’t?). As with all mother / daughter relationships, it’s a tricky situation, nothing that can be even remotely summed up here. And maybe that’s only a piece of the puzzle. Maybe I need more patience, as spiders rebuild their webs daily and wait for their food. Maybe I want to be more creative. […]
[…] The belief that I am not enough. That doing something that is expressive and satisfying and FEELS GOOD isn’t a good use of my time and makes me a waste of a human […]
[…] My perfectionism, my people-pleasing, my dissatisfaction seem to be ways that I muffle that creative urge. Creating is the best way I can see to skirt around myself and make my way through on this journey. ~Glad for Art […]