Willing To See

by justine

Week 5 is “Recovering a Sense of Possibility”. I’m not sure that’s the exact vibe I picked up, but this week was jam-packed, full of burnt-out, manic energy. I tried my best to take advantage of it.

There were phone chats with 3 good friends (2 are long-distance), a tentative job offer, 11 miles running with the dog, two dinners made from scratch, lunch with my faux therapist. I had the courage to cancel appts that I didn’t have the energy for and I allowed myself time to read blogs for hours. Hit the Farmer’s Market, ran laundry, stopped by the library 3x, pet-sat for a friend, cleaned up and cleaned up again. I pasted things in my journal, read a new book, watched 2 documentaries, and blogged.

To add to the weird energy of the week, I’ve been suffering from uber-cramps that radiate up into my back and my chest. Thursday’s sleep was wrecked and Friday night was lost to the pain. Seems to be subsiding today, but man, a literal thorn in my side.

Even with all of that – even with knowing that I am putting into play all of the skills I’ve been learning the past 10 months – this week is most important because…

I played guitar. Not once, but 2x, without panicking. My head didn’t race, my stomach didn’t turn. It was just me and that hollow-body singing against my chest.

And to add to my creative pleasures, I’ve been gifted a Canon SLR to borrow until July (thanks to my brother). Since it’s been so long, my skills are sketchy, but excitement flutters with each held-breath moment before the shutter click.

This day has zoomed by and we’re off to have dinner at a friend’s house. We’ll be away for the evening – just the thought is tiring. As much as the food and conversation will be worth it, my spirit would like to sit and read the night away, pouring over Expressive Photography and cuddling.

I’m doing better all the time.

Each day, even if it feels like a bust, seems to bring with it some little gem, as simple as H saying, “Honey – thanks for doing everything”. Even if it’s as small as cuddling on the couch with the dog. Even if it’s as big as a glimpse of my future job or reevaluating my part in a trying relationship.

It’s not a sense of certainty, but an ability to feel hope that things will work out, and I will be OK. An acceptance of things as they are, a lowering of my expectations, so that I can actually experience the life I have, not the life I think I am supposed to have. Whatever this week brought me and whatever next week holds, my life is gliding along, perfectly on course. I’ve stopped struggling. I’m willing to see where life takes me.

I guess this week I did gain a sense of possibility…

“Life diverts us when we are hell-bent on going elsewhere. Life arrives in a precise and yet unplanned sequence to deliver exactly what we need in order to realize our greatest potential. The delivery is not often what we would choose, and almost never how we intend to satisfy ourselves, because our potential is well beyond our limited, ego-bound choices and self-serving intentions” ~Hand Wash Cold (pg 64)