That I would be good…

by justine

Life steam-rolled me, emotionally, the past few weeks even though nothing life-altering occurred. In fact, my days were pretty void of events. Isn’t that the way, though? When things are not wrapped up perfectly, with their label clearly screaming “Emergency”, you just have no idea. Can’t see the damn trees from the forest.

In the midst of it, I knew, in my core, that this is how I “used to” feel and didn’t I work oh-so-freakin’ hard the past year to get rid of this stupid, panic-stricken hateful me? Didn’t I start this blog, get a therapist and start leaving dishes in the sink in favor of a good book all because of this.exact.crap?

I made it through, obviously, we all do, but each time I scour the experience for signs of how & why it started or what I could’ve done better during it to really take care of myself. Which is maybe why it happened in the first place – I wasn’t taking care of myself.

Here’s what helped:

  • Hugs
  • Calls with friends who listen, care and think I’m freakin’ awesome
  • Walking – the neighborhood with the dog, the beach, or around a store. Being out and moving
  • Books – library borrowing, bookstore buying and reading lots
  • Playing roller-hockey
  • Artist Dates (craft store, coffee + writing, taking pictures)
  • Fresh strawberries by the pound
  • Seeing, hearing, smelling the ocean

Here’s what didn’t:

  • Twitter, Facebook and email
  • Drinking alcohol, even if it was a glass of wine with dinner
  • Thinking about or researching wedding plans
  • Beating myself up about feeling crappy

That I would be loved, even when I am not myself
That I would be good, even when I am overwhelmed
~ Alanis Morissette

These dips and curls are what makes a life. Still, I want to dig deep during these times and then coast lighter when they let me go. Or I let them go…Because once I started putting myself back at center-stage, the panic and hurt dissolved.

Things are still as unsettled as they were last week, but today I feel good. Yesterday, I felt good. My hope is to feel good tomorrow as well. It’s perspective and it’s self-love. Pressure & permission. Doing what helps and deleting what doesn’t.

“Treating myself as a precious object will make me stronger” ~Artist’s Way

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