Current Challenge – Day 4 – #Trust30

by justine

While I’m doing well overall, there is a lot of chaos going on in the form of a few people dear to me being in the hospital. This is the time that I hate being 3000 miles away from home. And this is when I feel especially guilty about what I consider my own “challenges”.

For today’s #trust30 prompt, I’m to name a difficulty and rephrase in the form of a question. Then post that question where I’ll see it the next 2 days and journal a response. Seems reasonable, but my “challenge” feels entirely too silly in the face of all I know my family and friends are going through.

So, I recognize that this seems like a shallow difficulty, but I’d like to clarify that I don’t really mean that I’m not excited for my wedding. In theory, I’m so excited I’ll burst. The issue is not with “How to plan a party for 100 people?” and it’s not with cold-feet about the actual commitment of marriage (not yet, at least). The issue lies deeper, in some core place in my self where I am unable to picture what it is I really want separate from what everyone else is telling me I’m supposed to want. That pressure completely deflates any excitement that wells up. I’m left with the feeling of “What is wrong with me?” and that’s just no fun at all.