As Fully Myself As Possible

by justine

Today was difficult.

Not because anything was wrong. There wasn’t a ton of work to do and my schedule was open. Maybe it was all the running around this weekend (or for that matter, the alcohol). Maybe it’s my lack of working out or the Moon in Capricorn or it being Monday.

No matter. Today was annoying from the start. And I went with it.

I’ve learned that there’s no point in fighting any of it. I get up, get dressed and try to accomplish a small task or two for the day. Or maybe one large item I can knock off.

I don’t force myself. Berating thoughts are not allowed in my head. There are no “have tos” or “shoulds”, just a simple question, “What next?” I realized that frustrating days are out of my control. They exist for a reason I can not see at the time, maybe only to counter-balance the insanely productive days.

On these perplexing days it’s extra important to go through my daily routine, leaning on it for place markers, a sense of a through-line. I write morning pages, walk the dog outside, set up my computer and respond to emails. I choose one thing I can get done with the energy I have. Today I accomplished a few things, but in other terms, failed at completing, or even starting, anything I “had to” do.

I showed up for life and that’s a heck of a lot more than I used to be able to do, even back when I was oh-so-productive. Yes, I crossed items off my To Do list then, but I wasn’t living. I was some task-doing-robot version of me.

Today I chatted with my mom – I think she had some things she needed to work out. I texted with my sister about her visit. I cooked a full dinner. I walked the dog at the ocean and then again after work. I did an hour of yoga. And here I am writing to you.

We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are ~Anain Nin

That quote, from one of my favorite authors and birthday sister, is truer now than I’ve ever known it to be. A year or two ago, I would’ve suffered through a day like today, beating myself up for not being productive enough or chipper enough or forcing myself to do things I didn’t have the energy for, and then felt guilty for how, in all of my toughness, I couldn’t “handle” the day in which life seemed perfect yet I was miserable.

Instead I gave in to this flow of life – I trusted and stayed present and went with each moment. And I’m only able to do that now because I see myself as part of this flow, as trust and presence and love. During my yoga practice, I chose the small prayer “It’s all enough“… because it is. Each day, every time.

Emails, to dos, projects, other people’s approval – they matter, but not in the way I used to believe. What matters now is that I treat myself like a precious object, and show up in the world as fully myself as possible on any given day.

And that’s all the business I really have to worry about.