Allowing Myself

…to feel, to love, to be.

Month: September, 2012

Sundays Are For (Week 10)

 

 

Being back home is wonderful, but it also brings back the sludge from 2 weeks ago. Traveling, running from work meeting to meeting, and seeing friends kept my mind engaged and my anxiety to a minimum. Friday I was too jet-lagged to comprehend emotional frustrations, but they came barreling back Saturday morning.

Yesterday I cleaned the bathroom in a rage, hair stuck out from steam,looking like a crazy lunatic. Our apartment feels more and more filthy, disorganized and overheated the longer we stay here. I desperately want new carpet and to repaint the living room just to freshen things up, but H never pulled the trigger on any of it in August when we had the time.

Writing morning pages is such a help. I tried to at least acknowledge these issues and then work through them. What matras do I need? What self-care am I aching for? What will truly make me feel better?

It’s a line of broken promises to myself again. I see that. So today I did yoga, restocked the fridge and finally put contact paper down in our kitchen cabinets. I know this seems like the silliest thing, but I’m the one in control of myself & these projects I think I want to do – so I’m the one who actually can do them.

I still have to clean the kitchen – maybe that won’t happen until tomorrow night, but each layer of contact paper that went down made me feel better and better. I’m still struggling with these moods and learning to let them pass through me as opposed to stooping and analyzing them for too long. Can’t say I’m looking forward to going back to work tomorrow (especially with a forecast of 102* at my office) but I feel I made a small bit of progress today. That’s all I can ask for, I guess.

What did your Sunday teach you…? xo

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Yoga In The Hotel

This was my first work day in Boston. I decided to write my morning pages and then do yoga. Thought this would be a great transition into the work day. I was right.

It’s amazing how the start of yoga can be full of anxiety or boredom, my brain finding some reason to not do the class. How tight my muscles are and my mind racing. But man, after even 20min, I start feeling looser and more flexible and just, happy.

Now I’m feeling dehydrated. Ate an amazing dinner at Franklin Cafe in the South End. Apparently their turkey meatloaf is to die for but it wasn’t on the menu yet. I went with the smoked shrimp and the appetizer special of beef short-ribs, topped off with a St-Germain cocktail. Unfortunately I didn’t take any photos of this deliciousness.

Today was the easiest day I have planned so tomorrow things may be hectic. Up later than I’d like working on my presentation. Hoping for a run along the Charles if I can get to sleep soon.

Sundays Are For (Week 9)

Lots of traveling this weekend, but if I did one thing right, it was eating pretty well. The above does not support this statement. It was one of my indulgences. I can’t go home to NY and not eat a bagel. And this one was incredible.

Today was for hitting the bagel store with my family before the long drive into JFK. It was about lox cream cheese and Early Grey tea. It was about airplanes and smiling and enjoying being on my own. It was an evening walk down Newbury Street in Boston, eating a solo dinner at the bar, reading my Kindle.

It was about feeling chilly, about space, decompressing, and resting in motion.

Tomorrow starts off a busy work week in Boston. For my own sanity, I hope to have time to post.

What was your Sunday for? xo

September Season Shifts?

I want to feel like this…

But I feel more like this…

Still going through the motions. Today was full of ups and downs again, this time more jerky, the transitions rougher. Maybe it is a bought of depression. A “rough patch” as H called it.

As I walked to my car in the morning sunlight, I thought about hot chai lattes, scarves, boots, sweaters. I ache for cooler weather (it was 92* in  the Valley). I wonder what is wrong with me – H says to change something or accept it. But change what? Things are going along just as they were, but I feel different. It’s no fun.

September is always a difficult month for me. Is it just my body craving the season change and not getting it? Maybe a week on the East Coast will help realign it all.

We shall see…

Cooler Air Run

As this is going up, I’m hosting an event for work. Details that feel like drive-me-insane open loops are settling in day by day. While I am not 100%, at least I don’t feel as crappy as I did the past few days.

Started the day off right with a fast 3mile run with this cutie above. He was trucking along too, needing the exercise and fresh air as much as I do. We tried out a new leash that clips around my waist. Besides almost tripping twice, and being catapulted by a squirrel chase once, we did alright.

It was cooler than usual this morning. We slept with the door open and the fan on, but cuddled deep under our comforter, heavier now with a coverlet on top. I am craving crisp air and duller sunlight. While we’re still weeks away from that here in LA, my hope is our little trip East will give me just enough of a taste to hold me over.

Fluidity

Today was another up & down day. This is getting exhausting.

And amazingly enough, it was somehow productive – the good and bad fading so quickly into one another it was hard to keep track. Fluid, I guess. Also, a total pain in the ass.

Overall I feel vulnerable, frustrated and a bit like I’m hustling. (Insert Brene Brown link here, which in my tiredness I am unable to find) For what, for who, I’m not sure. I bet it doesn’t help the person I report to has changed 3x in one month. Or that I have 5 events, 4 trips and one presentation to do in the next 6 weeks. Or that I can’t seem to get consistent exercise and did I mention the heat?!

One of the good parts of today was working from a Starbucks. I get so much done with limited battery power and ambient noise of other people surrounding me. One of the down parts was saying something to H that hurt his feelings. Whether or not I’m able to keep myself out of this funk is one thing, but the fact that I can apologize to him and not make things a huge fight (anymore) is a win for the day. I’m still doing something right.

Also, H took me to the self-carwash, the kind with quarter machines and huge water guns, and taught me how to wash my own car. I know how to do it but not at these self-serve car-washes that dot Los Angeles. One step closer to being a native…? Guess we’ll have to see.

 

Sundays Are For (Week 8)

 

Going back to August’s blue moon, which I didn’t write about, I’ve had some pretty low days in the past few weeks. When I’m feeling good, it’s like eating cotton candy or body surfing on a wave – it feels so perfect I can’t believe I’m privy the experience. I feel so wholly me, my being encompassed by my body while my spirit permeates my surroundings. It’s like seeing at higher level.

But the downs feel pretty crappy lately. I thought I turned it around this week by visiting a friend. And I did, for a few days, but come yesterday morning, I was a loaf again. Yes, I woke up, wrote, ran 3 miles, biked with H and Carter to CVS and the bank but back at the house, I napped for two hours. I felt unable to make decisions and quite restless. While I rallied for a wedding last night, I woke up with the same shit feelings today.

Could it be the alcohol I’ve consumed? Yes. And being in the low of my astrological cycle? Yes. And don’t forget pms and this terrible heat we’re having. But I do worry it’s something larger, a foreboding feeling following me around. And because I can’t articulate it, I feel even more stress that it’ll catch me off guard and consume me.

Somehow, going to the ocean always helps, so that’s where I dragged us at 3pm today. Once I was there, our beach quilt spread out, toes in the sand, sun on my skin, book in my hand the bad feelings started to dissipate, but so very slowly. It is only now, hours later, after dinner, a cold shower and more reading that I feel mildly able to take on the week. And what a busy week it is – an event, meetings and travels.

More on that later though. Sundays are also for reading in bed, which is precisely what I’ll be doing until I fall asleep. Hope you’re all doing well out there. xo

PS – I’m reading The Night Circus and enjoying it, though it adds a hazy layer to my feelings (or is it vice-versa?) Have you read TNC yet?

Lonely to Lovely

Monday I wasn’t feeling so hot, but I tried to make the best of it. I thought it would pass.

Tuesday I didn’t feel much better.

Be it pms, the moon phase, 9.11 memories, too many work loops left open, feeling a bit too tired to deal with other people’s energy – whatever. It was crap. I knew it was OK, but I couldn’t shake it off either.

As I wasted time Tuesday morning on Instagram, I saw a friend post a few pages from the creative book Steal Like An Artist. I commented:

Omg yes! I may need to borrow. Or we should have coffee / creative book swap time.

As soon as I wrote that, I felt excited. That’s exactly what I needed! Creative, coffee, friend time. I was lonely! Miss loves-alone-time wanted company. Who knew?

So I texted said this gal for a coffee date. It felt odd, putting myself out there. Like I was 12 years old – come out and play? We’ve gotten coffee before but we’re not, like, friends friends. I know her through work, and from college, but at the same time I’ve never been to her apartment…

Magically, she texted back she could hang after work. My mood soared. I felt motivated to do my work. I had something to look forward to. And being that I’m not seeing my therapist this week, it was 100% what I needed.

I’ve mentioned before, but deep conversation is part of the things that make me feel complete. So this hang totally hit the spot. And that night H and I went out for Yogurtland and by Wednesday morning, I was a new person. Or back to normal. However we can celebrate it.

Did I mention my friend is pretty f-ing talented too? Check her out.

A Good Day

 

I’m not sure what was going on today but my energy was odd. I ran 3miles this AM with Carter (that was great) and then at work I couldn’t concentrate. Instead of working deeply on a large project, I bounced around from task to task. On the verge of feeling frustrated, someone showed up unannounced to meet with me (first time ever in 15 months at my job). I knew that was my signal to give into the day and go with the flow.

The old me would’ve felt thrown under a bus, but I really did just go with it.

In retrospect, I accomplished a bunch of tasks, including moving some event plans along. Still, there’s a nagging sense of “could’ve done more” but tomorrow is another day.

All of this reminded me of an email I sent a friend this weekend. Below is part of what I wrote to her:

I have a fairly flexible schedule for work. This would actual be a nightmare for the me of 3 years ago, but I’ve learned through therapy and trial-and-error that I need to “put my oxygen mask on first”. Meaning, I spend a few hours in the morning taking care of myself: writing, spending time with Carter, exercising, eating and doing what I need to before I do work. Then I do all of my work at the office and then it’s back home. I’ve found you can’t do everything everyday so I pick and choose what I can. I do have things that are super important to me and I make sure those are priorities each week (exercising, sleeping, good convos with people, writing, spending time with my husband, reading and time alone).

I think the most important thing I want to pass on to other women is to be gentle with yourself. I’ve lowered my standards of a “productive” day to a “good” day… A productive day used to be to get everything done on my To Do list and maybe get to read or write. Now a good day is one where I accomplish one major work task and one major home task (clean a bathroom, grocery shop) and the rest of the day is enjoying my life. It’s a hard change to make from the crazy-NY-work-is-your-worth upbringing we experienced. Our work, being productive, does not prove our worth. You are worthy of your life and being here just by BEING you.

I took my own advice today. When I got home I didn’t force myself to do another thing on my list. Instead, I took Carter Cash out for a bike ride in the summer sun. And it was just what he and I needed. A good day.

 

Sundays Are For (Week 7)

 

 

I woke up a bit cranky. The heat didn’t help. H suggested I bike Carter to the grocery store while he cleaned the downstairs. Not going to argue with that.

So Carter and I trotted over in the heat, lugging $60 worth of food back to the house, to be greeted by cold, clean-smelling air.

H starts grad school tomorrow and we’re finally back in the full swing of his teaching job. Life is calm for me but lots of traveling coming up. I’m trying my best to tick things off the list while I’m home.

Opened up Gmail’s keyboard shortcuts and processed 200+ emails per my digital detox plan. It didn’t feel as productive as I hoped, but the overwhelm of opening my email is less. Vacuumed the dog’s crate – he’s suffering from fleas. Started a new book (The Night Circus). Flipped through our wedding photos again. Watched two football games for teams I don’t care for. Tied up a few hanging threads as well. Actually, I’m not really sure where the day went…

September used to be a month of new beginnings – that’s what life on a school schedule will do to you. I guess it’s still like that for us now as working adults, but it feel more like a transition than a fresh start.

Hoping I can stay grounded as the next 8 weeks fly by. Happy to report trusting my gut is still working.