Allowing Myself

…to feel, to love, to be.

Month: October, 2012

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween!

Took this with my Olloclip a few weeks ago. We had some pretty crazy spiders in the house. Caught this one in a drinking glass and kept it for a bit to photograph. Released it outside afterwards. Because of all my traveling, I’m not celebrating Halloween this year, but that’s OK by me. I’m so tired, I never want to leave my house. This happens when I’m away from awhile. Hoping I’m back in balance by next week.

Until then, I’m drinking honey jack and cokes with my sister, watching Walking Dead and nesting in. It’s dark early now. The gray fog rolls in each morning. It was so hot there for so long I thought we’d never get back to my favorite coastal LA weather. But here we are – those season changes like a flip of a switch.

Returning Home

This is what returning home after 5+ weeks of travel, events, flights and friends looks like:

  • The dog still has fleas
  • I can’t seem to get up before 8am
  • I’ve gone into nesting mode – cleaning my desk (above), fixing a towel rack, hanging frames on the wall, cleaning and cleaning some more, taking things out of the house, and making room
  • Set up the autumn decorations just in time for Halloween
  • My sister is here and crashing in our spare room (the office / music space) indefinitely
  • H is so busy with school that I’ve seen awake him for less than 6hrs since I got back Sunday
  • I unpacked but there are piles of laundry
  • The bathroom is dirty from giving the dog a bath and our daily use
  • I desperately need something new to read
  • My body hurts from my San Fran trip and my epic biking of the city (hopefully its own post soon)
  • My brain is shot from too many events, too much email, and way too much socializing
  • Digital photos are scattered and yet to be cataloged and shared
  • I have a burst of excited energy in the morning while I write, which quickly dissipates after exercising the dog
  • I’m taking the space I need even though I panic every few hours that I’m not doing enough

How’s your week going? I’ve opted out of Halloween this year, but my friends had some sweet costumes: the house from “Up”, Popeye and Olive Oyl, sexy Edward Scissorhands, a 70s couple (Afros included) and Where’s Waldo.

 

 

San Fran

Made it.

Like the rest of the week, it took a lot longer than expected. My flight was delayed almost 2hrs and then the BART took a while. Luckily nothing was difficult per se, just drawn out.

Tomorrow is my big day so I’m headed to bed. I’d write more but the WordPress site on the iPad may send me over the edge.

The Ups and Downs of Things

Been feeling a little blue. Been needing more help / support than usual. Thought seeing my therapist yesterday would help, but it took a whole lot more. After crying in the car because my self-care plan of doing work at my fav coffee house back-fired, I ended up just putting myself to bed. An hour long nap was the key. Afterwards I felt healthy enough to vacuum the entire house and get my shit together for my event that evening. And then I got a mani / pedi.

The event itself was fabulous. I should never doubt the power of hanging out with other women.

I didn’t get home till after midnight. This morning I have a hangover. But I’m packed and ready to travel again. It’s so weird to me the ups and downs of things. How I can be hysterical and alone in the morning and surrounded by community and love at night. Do you ever get that?

So grateful I had the time and flexibility to take that nap. Not sure I would’ve reset to myself again without it.

Hope you’re having a lovely Thursday. xo

Vegas Travel

Almost every October, my parents travel to Vegas to celebrate their anniversary (31 years!). Since I’ve lived in LA, it’s become a nice interim visit for us between summer and the holidays. In theory.

In reality it’s a weekend where I follow them around as they gamble, I drink too much, eat too much and don’t get enough sleep. It is exhausting, wears me out and I never seem to get quality time with them anyways.

This time my brother and sister both made it in. That helped. We were a four-some and could ban together to do our own thing as my parents were sucked into the blackjack table’s siren song. Let me repeat before the next paragraph: hanging out with my siblings is awesome.

While I do love seeing my family, this is not the trip for me. This year I think I’ve had enough. Our flights were delayed both ways, we were charged a “carry-on baggage fee” (Spirit Airlines sucks) that never popped up during check-in (wtf?!), I lost $60 on roulette, I drank so much I almost threw up, I had terrible heartburn, ate pizza 2x in one day, ate meals in the room (no delish buffet) and we split a bedroom with my siblings (my bro snores). Worst part, there is hardly any “quality time” with ones parents when they’re gambling. They don’t mean to be this way, I understand, but my take as of now is: can we plan a family vacation to another location…?

“If I get to sit by the pool, I’ll do a shot of tequila” I told my sister and H. I hate tequila. It makes me black out. I just said it because I knew lounging by the pool would never happen.

And I could really use that type of vacation right now.

Oh and for each time I was frowning, we’d joke “take a shot” so… go right ahead.

Fleas

The pup’s been flea-infested for a few weeks now. We think he picked them up from a friend’s backyard, and with the hot weather and lack of strategic elimination on our part, they weren’t going away. While I vacuumed a ton and bathed him, it just wasn’t working.

H never seemed particularly alarmed by this, which only served to drive me nuts. I kept myself on the neutral side of complete melt-down by reassuring myself the humans in the house weren’t experiencing the fleas (yet) and that the problem wasn’t getting worse. Each day I’d ask the dog to lay on his side and pick a few fleas from his bottom. Then we’d go on our merry way.

While our travels are not over, one of us will be home the next few weekends and the dog won’t need to stay overnight anywhere. And so, today was the day I dealt with the flea issue.

An 8:30AM call to the vet gave me a boat-load of information. I was to buy diatomaceous earth, vacuum the carpet, cover the carpet with this floury substance, bathe the dog and treat him with flea prevention meds of only the highest quality.

3 hours of my evening went to this project. The good news: I haven’t seen a flea on the dog since. The bad: our apartment is covered in a fine film of white dust. H was not impressed, so much so that when he came home he suggested we just rip up the carpet and live with the concrete temporarily… which was my gross-carpet-fix suggestion all along, even pre-fleas!

“What changed?” I asked

“White powder all over the carpet…?” he said.

Whatever. I didn’t continue the conversation. I am annoyed that I finally took action to fix this problem, and spent my entire evening doing so, and it seemed to do nothing but drive him to take a drastic measure (one I had suggested and he had shot down for 2 months now).

Shitty for us tonight. I got into a hot bath and soothed myself with water and a book. It’s most aggravating when I think I’m doing something for us, even for him, to lessen the chore burden because I know he’s tired, to improve the quality of our life and home, to check something off our list… but it just doesn’t ring the same for him.

Someone suggested I read this book, and after a quick read through of this PDF, I can see tonight was a prime example of speaking different languages. Now the question is – what to do about it, when he’s gone to bed and I’m still feeling unappreciated…?

 

 

 

Hymn All Week

Traveling again tonight – been home 5 days and we’re turning around to go out the door again. This time from LAX to Vegas where my parents are celebrating their 31st anniversary – wowza. I’m still doing well, using Evernote to track my projects and my next actions. Batted through everything again today. Amazing how it all falls into place when you let it go.

Flights in a few hours and then I’m off to a drunken-gambling-loud-noises weekend. Haha. Vegas is really *not* the place for me, but my whole immediate family will be there and I so look forward to spending time with them… and our first family trip as husband and wife. Ya.

Hope your weekend is a wee bit more relaxing. This cover by a gal I know, Aubrey Logan, has been my hymn all week. On repeat. Enjoy.

I don’t think you’re right for him / Think of what we might of been if you / took a bus to Chinatown / I’d be standing on Canal / and Bowery / And you be standing next to me ~Lumineers

Life Isn’t a Support System for Art

Last week, before I left for my road trip, I finished Stephen King’s On Writing. I’d borrowed it from friends a few weeks before. Somehow I started reading it without any intentions to and it grabbed a hold of me again. This is one of only a few books (less than 5) that I’ve read more than once.

I’ve noticed my tolerance for crappy books is down and my need for reading is up ergo I have permission to quit books. Gasp. This used to not be granted to me by me. Oddly, at the same time my interest in rereading books increased. Tried and true, I guess?

King draws you in with the bits of his growing up, being a younger brother, writing at his desk in High School. This time around his whole near-death experience went by in only a few pages. Poof. In my memory of the last time I read it… and when was that… the description of his pain and recovery dominates. It’s conversational. It’s funny. And it’s educational. I learned practical advice that I don’t get by writing here in my room, alone. Like, how to delete as many adverbs as possible. But also advice you can apply to any pursuit – life, really – of starting small and being smart and working hard.

He also seems wildly in love with his wife, which I just adore.

Note that I’ve never read a single Stephen King novel, but I like this book. It makes me want to read his novels, but I do feel a class issue there for me as a reader – that his novels are somehow unworthy of my reading time – which you’d think is an opinion this memoir would alter, being so well written, but no…not yet anyways.

Maybe I just need to start with the right one…  Any suggestions?

____________

p.s. After I published this, the space on the side of the “published” bar had a Stephen King quote – I kid you not! Funny universe, really funny.

Working Hard & Hardly Working

Boy, sign me up for a dog’s life my next time around. While I’m working hard, he’s hardly working.

But it’s a good way to sum up today. Like I wrote last week, I have my master list of projects with bullets for each of  the “next actions” I need to complete to move the project forward. Because I have two trips and three events in 9 days, I am focusing on the minimum. I work through the next actions I’ve assigned myself for that day and don’t worry about doing too much more. It seems to be working.

As my coworker said today, I feel weirdly calm even with two events in the next few days.

Earlier today there was one issue, a catering task, that wasn’t falling into place. As I walked from my lunch meeting (where I had a cinnamon mocha – what?!) to my car, I thought, “I’ve just got to trust. I can feel it’ll work out, but I’m so nervous if I give in or give up, I’ll be screwing myself”. At the car, less than 5 min later, I checked my phone and I had a voice-mail from the one person I was waiting on before I moved forward.

I mean, how perfect is that?! Come on.

Even with stupid long conference calls, traffic, spaghetti-sauce-stained carpet, not enough sleep, running shoes shot, flat tire on my bike and pms, I’m learning… Keep on trusting.

 

 

Yoga Makes It Better

Coming back from a trip is hard – there’s going back to work, getting back into a routine, catching up on sleep, eating better again and tiredness. It’s as if you’re running running running and bam you hit a wall. Even if it’s a relaxing trip. You’re thrown out of the vacation mindset and back to the real world.

It’s quite jarring.

That was the experience of my day. Happy to be alone, I made my way into work and started with email. I knew the moon was void of course but today it was more dream-land wasted time than tying up loose ends. My meeting was enjoyable but my conference call, smack in the middle of the day, was a slog. I won’t even go into my opinions about meetings in general suffice to say this one supported all of my reasons. It sucked up any energy I had left.

Even driving home felt confusing and tiring. Walking the dog and talking to my mom didn’t help either. I decided the only available course was yoga. It was a perfect time to test out my theory of showing up for the experience. That the act of doing yoga, the practice, is what will nourish and support me.

It worked. I did a 30min Anusara class via my YogaToday membership. Neesha is my favorite instructor and her information about energy (prana) getting stuck up in our bodies while we travel, not flowing down and out and creating that racing mind were all spot on. She even mentioned slowed bowel issues when traveling which was a negative point of my weekend trip. Amazingly helpful, the class was relaxing – like someone ironed out my kinks.

I’m not 100% back yet, but I’m getting there. Taking it as slow as I need.