My therapist asked if my moods are related to my accomplishments.
“No.” Straight answer. Accomplishing things keeps me humming along, but if I’m already down, completing tasks doesn’t do it. I’m not happy because I’m productive. I’m productive because I’m happy. And I’m happy because I’ve taken the time to recharge.
Each time it’s different but it always comes down to just giving in to whatever’s going on. To stop being so hard on myself. To stop fighting and surrender.
This time it was finally allowing myself sleep as much as I wanted. And then staying up as late as I needed. To working on an e-course and creating collages and doing yoga. To having a few drinks. To see the ocean. To getting time to cuddle with H. It took a few days to balance out, but tonight is the first night I feel luxuriously sleepy before midnight and confidence was coursing through me all day.
This is not a new lesson. Back in April I was discovering how doing what I want brings so much more pleasure to my days. Before that, I experienced a serious down time in January. That turned out to be a shame storm. I run a cycle of confident energy, then down, panic about being down, accepting it and then, back up again. It’s not dramatic – I always function, there’s good in each day, but there is a thread of this gray through things. And yet, I always bounce back… after I allow myself the space, time and care I need.
For the month of November, I write each day about something I’m grateful for and call it Grateful Season. It’s my way of reviewing the amazing year I’ve had and helps me focus on blogging during the crazy holiday season uptick. Feel free to join me – just make sure you let me know!