Allowing Myself

…to feel, to love, to be.

Tag: birthday

5 of 52: Year of Ocean

Friday took me down to Santa Monica for a meeting, and I walked the beach for a quick moment afterwards. We’re having a hell of a winter drought, which is awesome for our days of sun, but terrible for the environment. And I miss the cold, crispness of February in Los Angeles, but I know this is better than the snow being dumped on the East Coast.

Decided to shoot my photos with the Hipstamatic app – I was going for that sunburst of heat and SoCal living, but instead I think I captured it all too blown out. Which is appropriate, since that’s how I’ve felt the past few weeks.

It’s my 30th birthday this week and I’m wavering between catching up / recovery from so much work while still being proud and reflective about how far I’ve come. I find it difficult, often, to experience, capture, reflect and understand my life as it goes by. It all seems so much to take in, so much to process and feel and comprehend. I am caught up in the details and then sometimes manically speak about life epiphanies and it all just makes me want to blog more. To process and reflect in this little corner of the internets, to keep throwing down place markers and sign posts – this is new or I’ve been here before, no? – a map of some sort. 

Anyways, that’s where I’m at. I missed a calendar week for this little project, but I  am not letting that deter me. This venture to the ocean on Friday proved my point. I sat on my shoes in the sand, in a dress, set the timer on my iPhone, and just stared at the ocean.

I needed that, and I think I’m going to continue needing it this whole year. xo

**See all of my Year of Ocean

Much Needed Rest

The month of high-pressure events, networking and hustling is over. And even though I’m exhausted, I survived, remarkably better than previous years.

I welcome February, my birthday month, with open arms.

I took yesterday off and spent it devouring The Goldfinch, biking with Carter, and talking with a friend at a marathon lunch at the library cafe.

Today we’re headed to see the Flyers play the Kings and I’m hoping the rest of the weekend (and the month) involves a lot of much needed rest. xo

In Like A Lion

The past week’s been a blur. H ran the talent show at the school he teaches at – this puts him out of the house for 5 days straight. I finally got some time alone at home to read, take a bath, clean, food shop and just be in quiet.

I ran 6.7m alone – it felt awesome.

Met a friend for tea last week and then another today.

Received all of my birthday gifts in the mail including this print by Mae Chevrette , and two necklaces by Liz Lamoreux (above) and this one which has my OLW from 2012 on the front and “29” on the back (thanks mom!)

I’ve done a bunch of work at the office, ran an event for songwriters, attended a popshow and stayed out late at a dinner party in the Hollywood Hills.

And today I felt so pms-y, tired and cranky. I didn’t go for a run, and even though I answered emails, work felt like a major chore. I ended up taking a bath and a nap after work. It’s amazing what a little self-care can do.

Looking back, I can see I was super busy, energetic and social… no wonder I felt so out of it today. And I was going to refuse myself that care until a friend said that it was my ego saying I couldn’t take time for myself. That I needed to allow myself (not kidding) what I was asking for – time out, rest and a hot bath.

As I write this, I feel better. Not 100%. Not driven to get to the office tomorrow and tear work to shreds or anything, but at least not as low as I was dipping.

I know what I need to be happy. And I forget that. And so, I keep jotting down my notes here, to leave markers for myself as reminders. I am my own best advocate, support and love.

And you are yours. xo

Monthly Nutshell – February 2013

The shortest month and yet, the longest month. The I-can’t-believe-I-live-here-and-wear-flip-flops month. My birthday month.

Carter was sick.

We hosted our own Superbowl party of 3.

In a rousing coffee hang with a friend. I named my need for indulgence. (Just writing that now makes me feel giddy and guilty at the same time).

My feelings of absolute shit peaked. Or more so, hit bottom.

Took a day off from work…and asked for help.

Started reading Imajica and I love it.

Listened to a podcast about bliss and started to feel better. It was encouraging.

We celebrated 7 months and 7 days on Valentine’s day. I sent everyone hedgehogs.

We accidentally hiked 11 miles.

We celebrated valentine’s day with a scavenger hunt, drinks and Mexican food. H made heart-shaped pancakes.

Met another friend for lunch and then went to her house for dinner, where I ate the craziest carrot cake ever.

I turned twenty-nine. Happy Birthday. And had the most amazing night with our friends since our wedding.

For my own birthday gift, I hired a stylist and threw out a ton of old clothing.

My sister accepted a job at Menchie’s. I finally felt better, basking in the sun. And we played the Imagine Dragons record on loop.

Out With The Old, In With The New

For my 29th birthday last week I gift myself the help of a stylist. I met Jess through her boyfriend, an awesome songwriter named Hughie. (Video of him here) Her dream is to style bands, and she’s already built a great credit list. When she and I met a month ago for coffee, I asked her what she could do for little ol’ me. Turns out, she does “closet consultations” and “shopping trips” for just about anyone. We talked dates and fees, and before I knew it, she was in my bedroom helping me sort through and donate 7+ years worth of clothing.

On Saturday, we spent  almost 2 hours going through everything I had in my closet and dresser. She kept a running list of what I had to mix and match and what I needed. And then we headed to Ann Taylor LOFT for a bit of shopping. Nabbed a couple of basics and one dress that, when I put it on, it made me so happy I almost cried. Amazing.

We ran out of time Saturday, so Sunday it was round two. We were at the mall when it opened and spent most of our time methodically shopping through Forever 21. Now, I haven’t shopped in a long time, but I am sort of a hater when it comes to crap clothing. BUT after shopping with Jess, I see the value (low price, trendy fashion) of a place like Forever 21 (…when it comes to style. when it comes to sustainability, I am going to keep my mouth shut).

She and I found some awesome pieces, including a blue faux leather jacket, a hot-hot midnight blue dress (date night!) and finally a pair of colored jeans (green, of course). And then the kicker, I bought 8 dresses! EIGHT.

My wardrobe is completely revamped. I am in love. I’ve only had a chance to wear one outfit (today’s) but I can’t wait to wear everything.

To top it all off, today I received a “cheat sheet” email from Jess detailing outfit options, what I can wear with what, and future things I may want to buy. It was the perfect gift for myself to (be)come into my own in this 29th year. As Hughie would say: BOOM.

You can find tons of style tips on her blog Hell or High Fashion (whose name I just adore).

Birthday Bonus

On Saturday our friends had us over for power-hour, pizza, hot tub time and a music trivia game. We had to be there by 5pm, which is unusually early, but they had the whole evening scheduled.

And what an evening it was.

We were all pretty festive by 8pm. The night swung from inebriated singing to heart-felt conversations. My favorite part of the night was when one friend started asking questions like they do on In The Actor’s Studio. I love conversation like that, and hearing my friends talk about their favorite people in the world or a sound that they hate, was so awesome.

And of course, my sister and girlfriends conspired to have a birthday cake for me – a cheesecake – which was delicious. At least, what I remember eating of it.

We all lost track of time. It felt like 9pm perpetually, and somewhere after 1am I laid down on their couch and passed out.

H woke me up at 3:45am. I was having a wonderful cocooned floaty sleep, thinking I was home in my own bed. When he told me we were still at our friends’ house, I bolted upright. We’d been gone almost 12 hours and the poor pup was left alone that entire time! I was sober by then, downed some pizza, and rallied to drive us home.

I feel like this account does nothing to explain the fun, love and craziness we all shared that night. It was one of those once-in-a-lifetime experiences, the kind of nights you’re lucky to have in high school, when you’ve spent the entire day on the beach and the entire night in close proximity to someone you love so deeply your heart may explode.

The past few years, I’ve been good about making plans for my birthday, but this year I was in no mood. The weeks leading up were slow and I didn’t feel very happy. But this night was more than I could’ve planned, or asked for.

When it comes to this group of friends, I feel so blessed. It was the perfect way to usher in 29.

 

Happy Birthday To Me

Another year gone by. Another ache to create. Another transition from the depths to the light.

I am not buzzing with words this evening. I wrote this morning, ran my 3 miles with the dog, and worked most of the day. My one meeting was odd, random phone calls came in, I keep pushing through work tasks but nothing seems to get done. Arrived home to dinner cooked by my sister, who also baked me a caramel cake, and a bottle of wine from my husband.

I’m now running 4 loads of laundry.

This is life – and while I panic that I am not doing enough of whatever is it I’m supposed to be doing, all is well. About 25 texts messages came in from people wishing me a happy day, my mom created a slideshow for me (very This Is Your Life), and a crazy amount of Facebook posts came on – I am loved.

And I have to say – after the funk I’ve been in for weeks – it’s nice to know people care. Really leaning on the community support.

It’s good to note this from Cafe Astrology for If Today If Your Birthday

2013 is a Number Two year for you. Ruled by the Moon. This is a year of potential companionship. It is a quiet, gentle, and mostly harmonious year that is less active than other years. Instead, you are more responsive to the needs of others. If you are patient and open yourself up in a gentle manner, you will attract both things and people. This is an excellent year in which to build and develop for the future. Advice – be patient, be receptive, enjoy the peace, collect.

Sounds about right. Fits right in with my 2013 One Little Word word – Becoming.  My mom ordered me a OLW necklace from Liz Lamoreux (my word for 2012 will be hammered into it – “trust” – and I bought myself a feather necklace from the same shop. I have a stylist coming on Saturday to rip through my closet. Tomorrow should be an easy work day.

Happy birthday to me… xo

 

Sickly

Carter Cash wasn’t feeling too hot yesterday. I’m not feeling too hot today, what with a combo of muscles aches from a 5 mile run and just shelling out a lot of money in bills. Boo.

Good news: I ran 5 miles, it’s the weekend and it’s my birthday month. Not all bad. And tomorrow is the Super Bowl and right now we’re headed out for pho.

Happy weekending xo

 

Happy Birthday Ricky!

Happy 25th birthday to my little sister Ricky. Quarter-century! If she’s that old, then I must almost be 30. Eek.

Tonight we have plans to go out country-line dancing in the Valley of Los Angeles. At a gay bar. Should be hilarious.

I bought her the Project Life Cobalt kit and some pocket pages. I am so excited to embark on (aka jump on the band wagon of) a year of Project Life and got my sister interested as well. Unfortnately, the kit I want, by crafter Elise Blaha Cripe, still isn’t available yet. Worst case I’ll get the Amber kit.

Yay for having my sister in Los Angeles and living in my apartment – partners in crime.

Happy Birthday Dad

Happy birthday to my dad today!

Honestly, I just wrote an entire post about my dad, the wedding, his amazing speech and how I’m so much like him, but it felt flat. Our relationship is deeper than a quick blog post. Our ups and downs more complicated than should ever be covered on the Internet.

But I wanted to write a public happy birthday for him because so much has changed for me since I was at a loss for words (and pictures) back on Father’s Day when I wrote this.

Then I wrote:

Being 20 days away from the wedding, I am most grateful for the chance to celebrate with my parents the life and relationship H and I have built. To acknowledge their support, love and influence on me as a person, and to use this as a milestone in recalibrating our relationship for the better.

I’m elated to say that the wedding was that and so much more. His father-of-the-bride speech was unbelievably intuitive, loving and really funny (see photo above). We have reset our relationship, brought it forward to the place I’d hoped for – me a productive adult with a loving spouse enjoying her parents for the people they are. And I think they’d agree all that work, and the changes, were for the better.

And the best news? Because of the awesome wedding (and the photographers) I now have a bunch of photos of me & my dad. And I’m looking forward to taking more… next stop: Vegas family vacation.

Happy birthday Dad – see you in Sin City!