Allowing Myself

…to feel, to love, to be.

Tag: changes

Intensity

“It’s like, all of a sudden life’s gotten really intense and it also happens to be 102* outside”

That’s what spilled out of my mouth to a friend on the phone while walking to my car in this stupid heat. Bingo! This is exactly what I’ve been experiencing the past few weeks. I’ve gone through three bosses via department restructuring, lost one professional support, added 7 flights and 5 events to my calendar, over-committed my time, escaped into books and generally felt out of sorts.

I’m not sure what changed today, but this is the first day I’ve felt good in a while. I remember feeling awesome on 9.14.12 but the rest of that week, hell the rest of the month, was a challenge.

Chock it up to transitions…?

  • H going back to work after summer
  • Us being back home after the wedding / honeymoon and that project being done
  • My work ramping up
  • My boss leaving + major changes in my department
  • Friends leaving LA, new friends entering my life

This is what clicked into focus this morning: Back to Work: 86 has Merlin Mann and Dan Benjamin talking about Merlin’s schedule changes related to his daughter attending school and his wife going back to work. And he says that he thought the adjustment challenge was having a more constrained work day to accomplish his tasks but that now, after he’s in the transition, he sees that it’s the anxiety of the change and being more responsible for things related to his daughter that were freaking him out.

Spot on. For me it seems to be about managing my own anxiety / fears / hustle around this shift into a new stage – yes, there’s more work on my plate but there also seems to be an intensity around it. Yes the wedding is over and now I’m a wife, but conversations with friends have shifted to engagements / weddings / houses / babies – all big deal topics that make one question their own place in life. Add the general upheaval that travel can bring, a lack of routine, and a bouncing all over work, and you have a pretty good idea of where I’m at.

But for some reason, today the anxiety dissipated. I’ll thank my morning pages writing for some of this – I’ve noticed my writing has taken me to a deeper, more supportive place this week. And serendipity: a hug from H that smoothed out my mood, a random phone call from a former boss, a conversation with a colleague, a phone call with a friend I haven’t spoken to in months… and reminding myself that I’ve felt like this before and, while something may feel wrong, nothing is wrong with me, and if I’ve worked my way out of it before, I can do it again.

Mostly, I feel proud that I was able to gently coax myself into articulating what it was that was “wrong” and ask for what I needed (even in just a quiet thought) and the help started magically appearing. A hug, a phone call, a conversation, a podcast tidbit, an email…

So relieved tonight, & so blessed. xo

Only Time for Doing

My job is changing.

The current position I’ve held for 3 yrs is ending in August. Regardless of being open to the change, this is nerve-wracking. When your significant other is laid off each year and you teeter on a disposable income of less than $250 per month, things can get real scary, real fast.

Financially, I’m fine, really – I spend less than I earn, have health insurance and a small emergency fund. A few years ago it became of utmost importance to be financially independent of my parents and I did just that. Organizing my bills, managing a credit card, and balancing a joint household budget are all skills I’ve developed since leaving the nest. I think I’ve done a darn good job.

But I’ve had a steady job for 3 yrs now. No matter my personal frustrations with my position, my income was stable. And we know that I’m feeling the upheaval of my current situation.

I’ve been working on translating a “volunteer” position into a paid position. Today the phone call finally came with the set salary and start date. This will mesh two jobs together, give me more income and hopefully more clout. It will at least give me more to do.

But the call, the whole experience, has been so anti-climactic, that I don’t know how I feel about it. Yes, it’s the job I want – I wrote the stupid job description. Yes, it’s a great salary, much more than I thought they’d shell out. Yes, I’m excited to get started and run crazy with my goals and network and plans.

Something feels off… All the phone calls, the waiting, the drama surrounding it burnt me out. I crossed that line into “whatever”. It feels so unsettled, so unofficial. I don’t seem excited because I’m not sure it’s real yet. Always prone to conservative reactions, the added gate-keeper of Mercury Retrograde lends a cautious air to it all.

“There is not time for doubting, only doing.” ~Collage Diva

Isn’t that a wonderful quote? Not to say we should rush headlong into craziness, but that sometimes we think too much. Ok, fine, I think too much all of the time. So I’m throwing this post up as a sign marker that says, “I’m allowing myself to move forward with a big change without all the details worked out”. This is normally against my better judgment, but I also have nothing to lose right now. So, why question? Why doubt?

This retrograde period is all about my willingness to see, to hang in there long enough to let the details work themselves out. With my backpack full of courage, I’m continuing on my little journey. It may be a limbo period, but I’ll feel my way through, focusing on what I can. Nothing more, not for now.

The doing is what keeps me focused on the moment, keeps me grounded in life. But really, it’s being. There is no time for doubting, only being.

We are really alive when we live in non-belief—open, waiting, trusting, and loving to do what appears in front of us now. ~Byron Katie