Allowing Myself

…to feel, to love, to be.

Tag: chookooloonks

Checking In

This photo is from a year ago today. This afternoon I sat at the same desk, sipping a different beverage, doing the work I do to pay the bills. I found this picture while going through my 2012 photos, reviewing my year for Chookooloonks’ Create.2013.

But instead of doing the assigned prompts, I am here, with you. I’m writing out of frustrated with the e-course. We’re supposed to go back through 2012 for all of the good, and then our lives for all of the awesome. This should be fun, life-affirming work, but the tasks seem totally overwhelming. And besides, I already did a review of 2012 in November and December. I’m over reviewing 2012 – I’m ready to get started, and riding high on the energy of a new year.

That’s what I thought this class was, dreaming, looking forward, and journaling to deepen my experience in the world. So far it feels cerebral and a lot like homework.

But I’m not writing because the class sucks. In fact, I’m sure it’s totally fine and working for most people enrolled. What I want to write about is how I feel like, since this isn’t working for me, then I must be sucking. And that I should try harder. Or make myself do it. Or care more. Or any other “should” that comes to mind. I panic that I signed up for the wrong class at the wrong time, or that I’m doing it wrong, or that I’ve wasted my money. And I feel stupid – like there is some trick I’m missing or some piece of information I lack before I can settle in and do this.

This shit is coming up from an e-course I signed up for for fun. And if it’s coming up here, then when else do these gremlins rear their ugly heads? What else am I fighting against each day? How is it that something so simple can turn me against myself?

Luckily, I’m aware of this creeping in, so I’m going to leave it alone for the night. I know nothing’s wrong with me. I know I’ve signed up and it’s the perfectly right time, even if it means the lessons sit in my email until I feel ready to do them. A good night’s sleep and some cuddles will help. And I’ll be sure to check back with an update re: the class itself and my own issues. Until then… xo

 

Birthday Intention

Happy birthday to me! 2.21 – my very special number.

By the time I realized, it was too late in the week to plan anything official. On a whim we ended up at the Library Alehouse (loved this place) Friday night, Hals Bar & Grill Saturday and a house party for game night Sunday. We took full advantage of the 3-day weekend with drinking, napping, running errands and cleaning.

The whole weekend was low key, but the celebrations felt fluid. No panic to plan anything, really no drive to make a big deal. Friends had our waiter bring dessert with a candle, another friend had cheesecake for me. They sang and I blew the candles out, not sure what to wish for, but grateful to have friends, have love and be in good health.

I don’t have any big words for what this birthday means for me. This past year was huge – while I wanted so much, I didn’t expect it. Facing the next 12 months is too much. I’m focused on smaller time-lines. I’m interested to see where the next 4 weeks take me as planets move through Pisces. Waiting to see how things play out as they shift and change.

Fingers crossed that things get rolling before Mercury Retrogrades in March. So much is happening in that period of March to May. No therapy, two major events, work changing, parental visits, some home decorating and a possible trip. Basically, life, but y’know, scary for a planner like me. So much uncertainty.

As I wrote here, I’m thinking it’s important to concentrate on creating – giving myself the space and permission to do whatever art I want. Luckily, I found Karen Walrond at the perfect time (last week) and she shares a bunch about (art) journaling. And that brings me to a new inspiration – ZENTANGLE. I’ll have more to share about this soon, but you can see some in action here.

Doodling with repetitive patterns. Coloring in little drawings. Pen and paper are the only requirements. It’s soothing, calms my mind and just feels good. I.love.it.

My new intention is to concentrate on creating. This requires my word of the year: “presence“. With the current Pisces vibe I know it’s the perfect time to pull inward, but I also know I’ll be pulled outward. I’m learning balance. Working with the anxiety that will come up will be the hardest part. Creating should help with this. I’m also contemplating doing the Artist’s Way again starting in March. We’ll see. Just trying to really listen to myself now, and learn.