Allowing Myself

…to feel, to love, to be.

Tag: coaching

Piqued

Currently, I’m in Boston for work – busy busy busy – and very much thrown off from my creative self. Haven’t written morning pages in a few days now, had at least one glass of wine per night, and just came off a crazy work day where I’ve been up almost 24hrs.

But I remembered last week I started what I hope is a weekly post called Piqued, in which I share stuff I’m reading online / obsessed with… and a picture of Carter, because CARTER. This pic is from a run we took last Saturday afternoon in which I was too tired and he was too hot – he found a shady spot and laid down, planning not to move for a while. We were still a 1/2 mile from home. :sigh:

Here is what’s up this week:

TomBoatesEverybody is a college friend, who is marrying one of my best friends. He DJ’d my wedding and creates these brilliant mash-ups. I may be his biggest fan, but I don’t know how that works, since I’ve never been a fan of a DJ. He tweeted this mash-up this week and I am obsessed: Turn Fancy For What. Also check out Ludacris.

On the plane ride from LAX to Boston, I listened to this Time And Attention talk by Merlin Mann. It’s probably the second time I’ve listened to it, but it always gives me new things to think about in relationship to how I spend my time, where I focus my attention and if I’m putting energy into solving the right problems.

H and I just binged on three seasons of Game of Thrones (no spoilers!) and it’s invaded our vernacular. We thoroughly enjoy the character of Tyrion Lannister, joke about wanting a direwolf, and I randomly quote the show, mostly by saying “You know nothing Jon Snow”. I have yet to read the books or watch the current season, but this interactive map that accounts for spoilers is pretty fucking cool.

I bought this book, Co-Active Coaching (4th edition), and it’s already giving me new language to articulate the intuitive hits I receive from the world around me. I feel drawn to life coaching and am exploring doing it more – understanding what it really means to coach people and if this could become another job.

And to celebrate – H just had his last day of school & began summer school, where he’s interning as a house principal. Happy summer!

 

Ths Grateful Season – Ambivalence

I had coaching call with Randi Buckley back in April. I didn’t write about it then. And I’ve been participating in her Maybe Baby course since the start of October. And I haven’t written about it here either.

I have always been ambivalent about motherhood, so much so, that I thought I was on the “no thanks” side of the fence. And then I started to get my shit together, my mom and I healed our relationship, I got married and the hormone switch when ON. Like, blaring fog horn in my body on, which was extremely confusing.

Who did that make me? A slave to my body? A hypocrite? Was I becoming one of “those people” who check off the list of adult accomplishments and after marriage realize the only next step to take is “babies” and they leap off that cliff with no detailed plans?

No, not at all. I am allowed to feel out both the “yes” and “no” and everything in between. The call with Randi 7 months ago allowed me to speak this inkling out loud for the first time… and I got excited, and scared, and nervous all at the same time. What did it all mean?!

Today I practiced feeling out a full-on YES to motherhood. And I realize that my own ability to conquer the world, to know that I can kick ass (even at motherhood) waxes and wanes with my mood. And man, has my mood been mercurial lately. It sucks.

But then I read posts like this and this and this and I know, like Brooke says:

“Sometimes it feels like everyone else is doing it better, you know? Like there’s some secret I’m a little behind in knowing.

I keep hearing There’s no easy answer.
And that seems to be true. It’s even a little of a relief, because maybe I’m not missing anything at all. Maybe it’s just…like this sometimes. And times’ll change and things’ll become easier and definitely the thing to do is to see the small steps, the small positive changes and to continue on as well as possible and to do the best we can.”
And that’s where I am. Still ambivalent – my soul leaning towards a “yes” the way our feet search out warmth under the sheets or our hands massage the puppy’s ears – but at the same time it still feels impossible. How can I handle a child when I break down some days over how filthy the house feels or that I can’t possible fathom the energy for my entire to do list…?
But people do, every day, and life goes on. So, a toast here to the good work Randi does (this woman is so.much.fun to chat with), the good work I’m doing for me and my future and the honesty to know, I need to allow myself to sit in this ambivalence. While it’s not the final answer at all, it is part of my path, and I’m learning to embrace all aspects, even those that are unclear and uncomfortable.

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For the month of November, I write each day about something I’m grateful for and call it Grateful Season. It’s my way of reviewing the amazing year I’ve had and helps me focus on blogging during the crazy holiday season uptick. Feel free to join me – just make sure you let me know!

Side note: to be honest, I feel like I’m coping out on these posts somehow. I wanted to use them as an review of my year, but instead they seem to be just daily posts. Since I invented this series, there is no “wrong” way to do it, but seriously, I was hoping to get a tad more in-depth by now.