Allowing Myself

…to feel, to love, to be.

Tag: cycle

Spring Plannings

For good or bad, spring has officially sprung here in LA. While the east coast is pummeled by snow storm after raging snow storm, and spring seeps gently in other states, here, it is as if someone flipped a switch.

We went from chilly air, cool breezes, weak sun and foggy mornings to the full-blown technicolor that is California sunshine. Where in the shade it’s perfect, under direct rays, it can feel like you’re on the wrong end of a kid’s magnifying glass experiment of fried bugs.

While the heat is not my thing at all, the sudden burst of vibrant pink and white from the magnolias and jasmine plants is brilliant.

And the smell… swoon.

The internet says Leo Tolstoy wrote, in Anna Karenina, “Spring is the time of plans and projects” and that is what this week feels like to me. The past 2 weeks, I spent quite a bit of time catching up, digging out of email, and running errands – basically recovering from the first month and a half of the year.

Now that I’m caught up, Mercury’s direct, and my birthday is this week, I am ready to dive into those plans and projects – lining up with the seasonal shift, the glow of nature returning.

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Welcome 2014

Sending out a big welcome to 2014, though I’m not as good with the whole “fresh start” as everyone else on the interwebs seem to be.

I’ve realized there is a transitional phase to the years for me. It takes so much for me to process what happened in a year and writing long lists of goals whilst high on a double latte just set me up for disappointment before MLK’s birthday.

December brings an upswing in my career ambitions, the holidays take a lot of energy (I mean, boatloads, people). Not to mention, every January I have to run the largest (aka most stressful) event of my paid job, which makes the whole month pretty much a rubber-band ball of anxiety. No wonder I usually feel a bit behind as the new year starts off.

Our holiday travels were full of family, and I’m so grateful for the time with them. However the trip also involved no sleep, very little in healthy foods, and a head cold for both of us (his hit while we were still at my parents’, mine is just settling in today). Also grateful for the extra week off since we’re on school schedules, but it’s zipping by.

I’m left feeling like I can’t get enough downtime, even though I just had two weeks off from work.

With that said, I’m taking solace in the new year’s moon that just graced our world. In fact, it’s a goal of mine this year to pay attention to the lunar cycles. And as Ezzie says: If you’re having a tricky time of planning your intentions for 2014, or if you feel that the year ahead seems overwhelming in its magnitude: rest assured, it’s not just you.

Well, thank goodness. Because 2014 could be summed up as “overwhelming” even before it started. Our calendar is booked through Christmas, H is adding another professional leadership item to his schedule, and I have more events and hopes for launching things than the past two years combined.

So for the rest of the weekend, I’m working on Unraveling 2014, my INFJ business class, and digging into the first installment of Ali Edwards’ One Little Word class.

Happy new year to your and yours. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to figure it all out this week. You have the next 365 days to reach whatever goals you’ve set. And you’re probably right where you need to be.

Go Slowly

Like I mentioned before, the sun cycles seem to have an affect on me. Recently, I am sleeping amazingly well, but I do not feel any energy buzz. Things are slow going, like the methodical and earthy Taurus moon. A routine doesn’t exist. And so, I take each day as it comes whether they’re bad, fun or downright shit. I’m giving myself time and kindness. And I’m taking pictures of snails, collecting feathers, talking to people on the phone, trying to have work days with no meetings and catching up on Project Life. I exercise when I feel like it and or I don’t bother.

And somehow, things keep moving along, just like this little guy above. Slow and steady wins the race.

**Fun to note here that this is my 401st post!! I’ve been writing for 3 years this month. If that isn’t a great example of slow & steady, I don’t know what is. Perfect timing 🙂

 

Asking For Help

Thursday I took the day off. It was bliss, as each day day off is. To lift the burden of work from my mind is really something. It’s not just the relief of not having to go to the office or check email or meet with people, it’s that my brain can relax, all thoughts (aka panic) about what needs to be done when can be placed in a different corner of my mind. I feel calm, yet giddy. And I feel loved.

I’m struggling again.

Thursday was pretty awesome. I wrote, jogged 2m alone, took myself out to a cafe to write / read / draw, went food shopping with my sister and relaxed. Crazy enough I found snowflake dishes for a steal at the thrift store AND even won a Polaroid camera from Impossible Project! An awesome day, for sure.

But the demons, or whatever you want to call them, are there, lurking. I feel this fight between my righteous Type-A self and my loving soul – one wants perfection, routine and Success, the other wants to be alone on a beach or indulge in a creative project. I certainly don’t have the energy for the first. Everything feels like an energy-suck right now. And I keep ignoring the latter in order to placate the former. (Note: this is not smart)

It all piled up into painful words and tears Saturday morning. Another Saturday with work, more of my time sucked away from me. I picked a fight with H, as I always do in these moments, believing somehow that if he could just help more, love me more, listen more, I wouldn’t feel so terrible. And while I would love more of all of that from him (what girl wouldn’t?) it’s not his fault I feel this way.

It’s my fault. Or at least, it’s my responsibility. I’m the only one who can make me happy.

Getting my words out into the open with H relieved some pressure, as did a small text convo with my sister about feeling so blah. I don’t feel entirely healed, I know this is just something that comes and goes. My friend said, for her, it’s 3 months on, 3 months off. For me it seems 2 months on, 1 month off, but maybe there’s a larger cycle there I’ve not pin-pointed yet.

Writing this is asking for help. Talking to H and my sister is asking for help. Taking a day off is helpful. But I know I’m struggling with something. I know intuitively I have the answers, but my brain wants to rule the argument, pick things apart (me) until it comes to some logical conclusion…but there probably isn’t one. I have good weeks and bad weeks, we all do.

To quiet my logical mind, I need a brain-dump of To Dos and projects. Then, if I have the energy, I can break those items down into one thing per day. But mostly I need to give up the ghost, trust things are going just the way they should, and focus on creating, even if it’s at a very small level.

What do you do when you’re feeling down? How can you tell the difference between the blues and something more? xo