Allowing Myself

…to feel, to love, to be.

Tag: Fall

#30daysofdresses – day 17

While the day before was long and tiring, this day was calm.

And to have some quiet and calm.

This dress is from Kohl’s with a bird print. I love it. Another dress I knew when I tried it on at the store that it needed a belt, and the little yellow belt shows up again.

The boots are from Clarks and yay for it not being super hot again so I could wear them. They first appeared on day 2. Double yay for being more than 1/2 way done with this challenge. #boom


Summer Nights, School Days

Evening roller-blade

Walking at 5am

Math I don’t understand

My view most nights this week

Besides it being post-vacation-blues week, it’s also back to school.

H started his 7th year of teaching. Each year I hope he’ll hit the easy groove that experienced teachers do, and then some huge opportunity/challenge presents itself. Two years ago it was a masters program. Last year it was being department chair, a masters program and 4 different classes. This year, masters program completed, it’s department chair and multivariable calculus, which happens to be the hardest class they teach.

Which he is reviewing every night, all night, after working a 12 hour day.

Which means that it’s just me and the Carter-man for long stretches of time.

I’ve learned that the shift from summer break, having H home all of the time, helping around the house and generally being there for me, to the first week of school, arguably one of the most stressful times of the year, can suck. I love my alone time, but having him around all day, everyday and then not at all puts a strain on our relationship.

Or, should I say, a strain on how I feel about our relationship.

Because in reality, we’re the same as we were last week (well, not entirely the same since last week was still Alaska). I’m just going about my day assuming it’ll be one way and it’s another, totally different yet OK, way…

Luckily, I’ve noticed this pattern, and I let things slide to compensate. So, dishes won’t get put away quickly or he won’t remember to do something (because he hasn’t had a moment to himself) or I have to take the dog on all 3 walks for the day. It’s not easy, but it’s not awful either.

It’s just life.


Yesterday I was up at 5am to be on a 6hr video conference call. Apsht. Somehow I survived, and the early start time meant an early leave time.

Feeling completely burnt from the meeting, I settled on yoga, made green juice, and took the dog to the park to run around a very dry, very hot baseball field. I straightened up and vacuumed. I ate turkey chili cold from the Tupperware. I perused Instagram, cleaned up DropBox and worked on a small project taking photos of our possessions in case we ever have an insurance issue. I cooked zucchini and heated up left-over pizza. I went out with Carter again, this time on roller-blades.

I wrote this sitting across from H as he went through calc problems and muttered things like “oh shit, I found the area instead of the arc length” which may as well be German to me.

We kept the front door propped open so a breeze came through the apartment while it went from twilight to pitch dark outside in what seemed like an instant.

I couldn’t fall asleep the other night and stayed up past 1am.

Carter mopes around looking for H, patiently waiting for him to finish his work so they can play.

It’s a transient time of summer nights, school days, 5am alarms, evenings solo even though H is home, and hot weather. The last of it seems to throw me off the most. Autumn feels like the natural signal for us all to hunker down, do our work, spend more time indoors. We don’t get that here in Southern California, the season or the natural transition.

I miss it.


Finally, Fall

This photo was taken a few weeks ago, but it’s really chilled out here in Los Angeles. Thank goodness. My running is back, the leaves are on the ground and I even wear a puffy vest when walking the dog at night.

And have you felt the shift in sunlight?! It’s gets dark so early these days. I am kind of loving it. October this years seems to be very much about a cocoon, a pulling back in, a saying No. It’s working. I can feel my physical energy returning (went running 5 days this week with two 3 milers!) and ideas are percolating in my brain. 

How’s your month been?


I received a new iPhone 5s and it’s fabulous. Especially the camera + apps. The latte pic above was taken with PicTapGo. Highly recommend.

We had a festive evening with some friends, carving pumpkins and drinking spiked cider. Love me some honey Jack. I went with the graphic and simple Pumpkin Pi (get it?! I am married to a math teacher). Unfortunately, the thing bloomed into a mess of mold after 4 days.

I cleaned (almost) the entire apartment by myself before my parents came to visit – with disc 1 of this DMB concert at Central Park blaring through the TV. I’ve avoided DMB for ~11years now due to major falling-outs around the time I cared about them. Music, and love, will do that to you.

The table cloth I purchased after Christmas last year made it’s debut, complete with tiny pumpkins. It’s finally feeling like Fall here.

My parents visited – which included a Jason Aldean concert, taking professional family portraits on the beach, eating more bread in 4 days than I eat in a normal month, a walk through Abbott Kinney and a visit to The Getty.

I applied for, and was able to process, my passport paperwork. Looking at that puppy arriving in the mail in T-6 weeks.

Now, where should we go?

DreamLab, Round 2

Back in June, I signed up for Mondo Beyond’s DreamLab. While the emails were beautiful and inspiring, I ended up archiving most of them. Thinking I didn’t have time for this silliness, I felt guilty I wasted the money and copped out on myself.

So here goes Round 2. The themes are courage, gratitude and tribe – wholly applicable to this time of year. Well, this time of year back East. Last week’s weather here in SoCal almost killed my spirit. 100+ degrees near the ocean, so hot we turned our AC on for the first time ever. Even as October slid into view this weekend, I made it a point to enjoy the beach in a bathing suit.

But today – ah today – I was startled when my morning walk with the dog involved a light mist. I didn’t get excited though. I assumed it would end and the sun would shine, but no such thing happened. Instead, my day was full of overcast, light rain and a chilly 60 degrees. Perfect Autumn weather.

I’m not sure what the next 6 weeks entail, but I’m hopeful that they’ll lead me to a deepening, a sort of turning inward that the slowness of Fall brings.

I don’t know why I’m here, but it felt like something that may ground me during the season change and all the life musings I’m working through. DreamLab means experimenting and learning about my own thoughts and sensations. The courage to be myself, the ability to accept myself as I am and be grateful for it, and the ability to build, engaged and find a tribe of my own. Excited but also anxious.

The past 6 months have contained major events, all of which I’m grateful for, but I feel disconnected. I am not present in my own life enough. Even reading the comments above, I was rushing. I reminded myself to just take the time to give each person my attention. It probably starts with me – DreamLab is a way to give MYSELF attention.

Also, I LOVE *Consume Hope* – thank you for that.

As I wrote below – DreamLab is a way to give myself the attention I need. Here goes nothing!

Mondo Beyondo Dream Lab: Play Practice Learn