Allowing Myself

…to feel, to love, to be.

Tag: grateful season

Grateful Season 2014

Thankful for healthy family, a great husband, a smart dog, a good job, flexibility, love, peace, dreams. Trips to Boston and Denver and Joshua Tree. Rock climbing, hiking and the ocean. Time outside. Alaska. Really good sleep. Good coffee, and tea, and chai. Good books. Really good books. Cooking, biking and running. Podcasts and comfortable boots and snail mail. Internet friends, long distance friends, best friends. Laughing till I cry and clear, starry nights. Awesome coworkers and working from home. Movies in the theater and vinyl floors and green juice. Visits from friends and family, bright orange sunsets and paper crafts. Blogs, social media and sharing ideas. Deep conversations and time alone.

Writing here and you out there, reading.
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.

xo

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This Grateful Season – On The Other Side

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And here we are – one the other side of November as it turns into December – from the grateful season to the holiday season. We decorated last week but still have ornaments to make and a tree to purchase and trim.

Now I have an understanding of what I’ve gone through in the past 3 months. Each Autumn I think I’ve got this covered – H will go back to work, my event season will kick in, we’ll be on coming off our summer vacation. Even though it’s a transitional period, now that I know it, I can handle it, even use it to my own good.

But no. The travel, events, lack of routine, big changes (grad school. sister) Saturn shift and Mercury retrograde slammed over me like waves, again and again. It was a busy season. It was a learning season.

And in many ways, the upswing of intensity and then halt of energy, like a boiling pot with a lid on it, arrived right in time to sweep me along and teach me a few things. It all brought me back to myself.

The Maybe Baby course is coming to an end. I’m concentrating on giving myself what I need, not depending on others. Acknowledging that I’m picking up other people’s energy but I don’t need to carry it. Getting my running shoes on. Napping. Organizing and doing work, but trying to release the pressure. Enjoying the time I have. Seeing the urges of (future) motherhood manifesting in the need to nest and for long-term projects. Thinking about plans, but still just letting things settle.

I have high hopes for December to close out this amazing year of trust, love and learning. And I am grateful – oh so grateful.

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For the month of November, I write each day about something I’m grateful for and call it Grateful Season. It’s my way of reviewing the amazing year I’ve had and helps me focus on blogging during the crazy holiday season uptick. Feel free to join me – just make sure you let me know!

This Grateful Season – New Project

Today a really great work opportunity moved forward with a YES from those above me.

I’m still nervous that it’ll get snagged by red tape or shut down, but I am enjoying this moment while I have it. Success. A new project. Work supporting my bigger ideas.

And I am feeling the inkling of longer-term projects – this one today, writing for another site, training for a 1/2 marathon and doing 2013 Project Life. H is so busy with grad school + work, I need to fill my own time. Having my sister with us is really awesome (she cooks, she cleans, she walks the dog and she entertains me) but eventually she’ll move out (fingers crossed).

Mercury went direct on Monday. This is a good thing. I can feel the upswing, the movement, the energy churning again.

I tweeted this before, but I’ll write it again here: Today was a good day.

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For the month of November, I write each day about something I’m grateful for and call it Grateful Season. It’s my way of reviewing the amazing year I’ve had and helps me focus on blogging during the crazy holiday season uptick. Feel free to join me – just make sure you let me know!

This Grateful Season – Kick Ass Wedding Weekend

I may never get around to writing the full-on wedding post, but it can’t go without mention. I use this grateful season to recap my year and if 2012 was anything it was the year of our wedding. I know it’s a cliche, but the whole day, the entire weekend, was perfect. It proved again and again that trusting my life to unfold brings so much more goodness than I could ever imagine alone.

I have so many amazing memories – playing watermelon rugby with our friends after the rehearsal dinner of bbq, the crazy buzz of excitement during the rehearsal, rehearsing our wedding vows with our friend who officiated while my dad drove us back to the house (later he told my mom he teared up listening to us). My pre-wedding private yoga class, my mom’s face when the hair dresser put my veil on, how my friend dropped a bottle of fizzy wine and it exploded all over the kitchen (luckily I wasn’t dressed yet). Sitting in the bridal suite with my dad, the view of the reception patio from where we took our photos, seeing my friend almost cry when she said my name, laughing during our ceremony, H’s step-mom loving our second dance song, our LA friend professing his love to us and our one table of friends toasting “La-dasha!” all night.

How our friends and family were so absolutely in love with us that I was overwhelmed with emotion. And how amazing it felt to stand up in front of everyone with H, this guy I’ve grown up with for 10 years, and speak our vows to each other, and then experience one of the best parties we’ve ever been to (if I do say so myself) and celebrate all of our hard work and love that we put into that day and our relationship together.

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For the month of November, I write each day about something I’m grateful for and call it Grateful Season. It’s my way of reviewing the amazing year I’ve had and helps me focus on blogging during the crazy holiday season uptick. Feel free to join me – just make sure you let me know!

This Grateful Season – The Ocean

Yesterday we took a ride down to Hermosa Beach – so awesome. We walked around, looked off the pier at surfers, watched kids “sled” down the dunes on boogie boards and my sister and I touched every single item in Gum Tree (my favorite kind of store).

I can’t tell you how much I needed a little outing like this.

Or how later that night I sat with a podcast and knitting and Instagram while H & H played Xbox. How I needed that time, if not the space.

Or how I made sure to skip the alcohol at dinner, but I did bake and eat brownies.

While I’ve mentioned things have been up and down (read: all of October and November) I thought I was feeling better on Thanksgiving. But then the past few days came and went and I felt worse. And when you’re feeling bad, it’s hard to understand how you ever felt good. Or if you will again.

I think I just needed to relearn a lesson – that giving myself freedom, that giving in to the bad feelings, that creating all lift me up, and recenter me. And running, abstaining from alcohol, and seeing the ocean don’t hurt either.

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For the month of November, I write each day about something I’m grateful for and call it Grateful Season. It’s my way of reviewing the amazing year I’ve had and helps me focus on blogging during the crazy holiday season uptick. Feel free to join me – just make sure you let me know!

 

This Grateful Season – A Toast

 

A toast… to myself… past, present and future. May I continue to grow, to thrive rather than survive. I forget often how it really is all in me. I bring the awesome.

A toast…to you… whoever you are out there. May we continue to cross paths, to connect and cherish. I forget how often that’s all life is really about. You bring the awesome too.

Thank you for reading. I am grateful for this blog, a home to express myself and document my life. Celebrating my 300th post.

Cheers xo

This Grateful Season – A List

Thankful for:

  • Siblings
  • Husband
  • 3 hour naps
  • Putting myself first
  • Dog parks
  • Leftovers
  • Puppies (young and old)
  • Friends who write amazing emails
  • Friends who take you into their home
  • Friends who make sure you read good books
  • Hot tubs
  • House envy
  • Giving in
  • Asking for help
  • Yarn
  • Books, esp murder mysteries
  • Movies
  • Shirtless Daniel Craig & Ryan Gosling (see previous bullet)
  • 4 day weekends

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For the month of November, I write each day about something I’m grateful for and call it Grateful Season. It’s my way of reviewing the amazing year I’ve had and helps me focus on blogging during the crazy holiday season uptick. Feel free to join me – just make sure you let me know!

This Grateful Season – The Coolest

Thankful for having such an amazing life. Whether I’m up or I’m down, I know I am blessed. Went out last night with my husband and sister for drinks. Enjoyed their company and watched them party (designated driver). Then got up early this AM for a 5k run with some awesome girls on the beach strand.

If you had told me, even three years ago, that this would be my life, I would’ve balked. I’d carried around so much pressure, baggage, crap, self-abuse and perfectionism I couldn’t see past getting up in the mornings and slogging through a day. Sure, I had people who loved me and good times and laughter, but it wasn’t like this.

And a friend said that now that I’m on the other side of it, I can see it clearer, but I realized this week it’s more than that. I’m on the other side of that journey, those lessons, but life’s path seems to be a spiral and I’m working through the same issues all of the time, just at a new level.

The past 8 weeks have been bleached out, void of color or the brilliance I’ve come to know and love. When I treat myself well, I thrive. When I beat myself up, I falter. It seems to be that simple, and yet, it’s a lesson I need to keep learning. Practicing.

We’re here to love one another and shine our goodness all around. Many thanks to those who love me and let me shine. I am so grateful for this life. It’s the coolest.

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For the month of November, I write each day about something I’m grateful for and call it Grateful Season. It’s my way of reviewing the amazing year I’ve had and helps me focus on blogging during the crazy holiday season uptick. Feel free to join me – just make sure you let me know!

Thie Grateful Season – Honeymooning

 

 

 

One of the best parts about getting married, or more so, planning a wedding, is the honeymoon. My husband planned the entire thing by himself, I just gave him feedback on what I did and didn’t want to do. We chose Hawaii because I need beach, exotic, romantic and umbrella drinks and he needs activities, variety and fun. It was the perfect mix for our personalities.

Though this was our first real vacation together in our relationship history (10 years!) we had some lessons to learn. I need way more sleep, downtime and quiet than one “should” need on vacation in H’s family. He needs more of a diverse set of activities and entertainment than my family would ever want on vacation. Add to that mix a cranky me (wedding hangover?) and stressed him (too much scheduled) and pouring rain, and you have a recipe for unhappiness.

While my honeymoon wasn’t everything I’d hoped for – the downtime to just be together, the romance, the good food (aspht) were kind of lacking – we still had an amazing time. And it was a unique experience only we could’ve had. And now I’m excited to go back again to really dig into the best parts of the islands. And even excited to go on vacation together again – knowing better what we both need and want from the time away.

You can read the posts I put up during our travels here: Hawaii

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For the month of November, I write each day about something I’m grateful for and call it Grateful Season. It’s my way of reviewing the amazing year I’ve had and helps me focus on blogging during the crazy holiday season uptick. Feel free to join me – just make sure you let me know!

Ths Grateful Season – Ambivalence

I had coaching call with Randi Buckley back in April. I didn’t write about it then. And I’ve been participating in her Maybe Baby course since the start of October. And I haven’t written about it here either.

I have always been ambivalent about motherhood, so much so, that I thought I was on the “no thanks” side of the fence. And then I started to get my shit together, my mom and I healed our relationship, I got married and the hormone switch when ON. Like, blaring fog horn in my body on, which was extremely confusing.

Who did that make me? A slave to my body? A hypocrite? Was I becoming one of “those people” who check off the list of adult accomplishments and after marriage realize the only next step to take is “babies” and they leap off that cliff with no detailed plans?

No, not at all. I am allowed to feel out both the “yes” and “no” and everything in between. The call with Randi 7 months ago allowed me to speak this inkling out loud for the first time… and I got excited, and scared, and nervous all at the same time. What did it all mean?!

Today I practiced feeling out a full-on YES to motherhood. And I realize that my own ability to conquer the world, to know that I can kick ass (even at motherhood) waxes and wanes with my mood. And man, has my mood been mercurial lately. It sucks.

But then I read posts like this and this and this and I know, like Brooke says:

“Sometimes it feels like everyone else is doing it better, you know? Like there’s some secret I’m a little behind in knowing.

I keep hearing There’s no easy answer.
And that seems to be true. It’s even a little of a relief, because maybe I’m not missing anything at all. Maybe it’s just…like this sometimes. And times’ll change and things’ll become easier and definitely the thing to do is to see the small steps, the small positive changes and to continue on as well as possible and to do the best we can.”
And that’s where I am. Still ambivalent – my soul leaning towards a “yes” the way our feet search out warmth under the sheets or our hands massage the puppy’s ears – but at the same time it still feels impossible. How can I handle a child when I break down some days over how filthy the house feels or that I can’t possible fathom the energy for my entire to do list…?
But people do, every day, and life goes on. So, a toast here to the good work Randi does (this woman is so.much.fun to chat with), the good work I’m doing for me and my future and the honesty to know, I need to allow myself to sit in this ambivalence. While it’s not the final answer at all, it is part of my path, and I’m learning to embrace all aspects, even those that are unclear and uncomfortable.

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For the month of November, I write each day about something I’m grateful for and call it Grateful Season. It’s my way of reviewing the amazing year I’ve had and helps me focus on blogging during the crazy holiday season uptick. Feel free to join me – just make sure you let me know!

Side note: to be honest, I feel like I’m coping out on these posts somehow. I wanted to use them as an review of my year, but instead they seem to be just daily posts. Since I invented this series, there is no “wrong” way to do it, but seriously, I was hoping to get a tad more in-depth by now.