Allowing Myself

…to feel, to love, to be.

Tag: GTD

Asking For Help

Thursday I took the day off. It was bliss, as each day day off is. To lift the burden of work from my mind is really something. It’s not just the relief of not having to go to the office or check email or meet with people, it’s that my brain can relax, all thoughts (aka panic) about what needs to be done when can be placed in a different corner of my mind. I feel calm, yet giddy. And I feel loved.

I’m struggling again.

Thursday was pretty awesome. I wrote, jogged 2m alone, took myself out to a cafe to write / read / draw, went food shopping with my sister and relaxed. Crazy enough I found snowflake dishes for a steal at the thrift store AND even won a Polaroid camera from Impossible Project! An awesome day, for sure.

But the demons, or whatever you want to call them, are there, lurking. I feel this fight between my righteous Type-A self and my loving soul – one wants perfection, routine and Success, the other wants to be alone on a beach or indulge in a creative project. I certainly don’t have the energy for the first. Everything feels like an energy-suck right now. And I keep ignoring the latter in order to placate the former. (Note: this is not smart)

It all piled up into painful words and tears Saturday morning. Another Saturday with work, more of my time sucked away from me. I picked a fight with H, as I always do in these moments, believing somehow that if he could just help more, love me more, listen more, I wouldn’t feel so terrible. And while I would love more of all of that from him (what girl wouldn’t?) it’s not his fault I feel this way.

It’s my fault. Or at least, it’s my responsibility. I’m the only one who can make me happy.

Getting my words out into the open with H relieved some pressure, as did a small text convo with my sister about feeling so blah. I don’t feel entirely healed, I know this is just something that comes and goes. My friend said, for her, it’s 3 months on, 3 months off. For me it seems 2 months on, 1 month off, but maybe there’s a larger cycle there I’ve not pin-pointed yet.

Writing this is asking for help. Talking to H and my sister is asking for help. Taking a day off is helpful. But I know I’m struggling with something. I know intuitively I have the answers, but my brain wants to rule the argument, pick things apart (me) until it comes to some logical conclusion…but there probably isn’t one. I have good weeks and bad weeks, we all do.

To quiet my logical mind, I need a brain-dump of To Dos and projects. Then, if I have the energy, I can break those items down into one thing per day. But mostly I need to give up the ghost, trust things are going just the way they should, and focus on creating, even if it’s at a very small level.

What do you do when you’re feeling down? How can you tell the difference between the blues and something more? xo

 

Keep On Trusting

Today started out well enough. I took a long walk with the doggie, got ready for work, and popped over to therapy. The session went well, circling the topic of using the GTD process to keep on top of the tasks piling up.

For instance, “send out e-vites for three different events” felt like the most urgent task(s), the ones I wanted to panic about. But, I couldn’t move forward on these “next actions” until I received the proofed HTML files back from another department and pulled a few mailing lists (two of which I couldn’t do myself). So while these tasks felt almost desperate, I couldn’t actually do anything about them…yet.

Then the internet went down. Oy vey. Without the internet there is very little work I can do.

So, I didn’t. I wrote and read some, had lunch and waited around for my 3pm meeting. Having an iPhone helps – I checked email and responded to things as I could. Then I made my way to my meeting (at a mansion in Brentwood aka soooooo Hollywood) and drove back home.

And for some reason today, all of this was perfectly OK. I wasn’t frustrated that I couldn’t do work, wasn’t panicking about the urgent tasks and didn’t feel the need to nap, cry, hide or yell. I was 100% cool with it all.

It was an easy day to accept things as they are. I understand this is not always the case (revisit my almost month of blues here). It started from a good frame of mind but I felt my confidence high, believed in trusting, and reassured myself things work out.

When I realized the moon would go void of course at 2:40pm I tested a theory. I thought once the moon changed the internet would come back on, the files would be emailed and I would bat out all of that work in less than an hour. Of course, launching event promotion may not be the best task for moon VOC but I’ve found it’s a super productive time for me to finish up tasks.

Crazily enough, I was right. Moon VOC, trusting in my abilities and believing things will work out.

Perfection.

{feathers still find me}