Allowing Myself

…to feel, to love, to be.

Tag: home

day 13: home


This is H’s last full week of summer break. He goes back full-time while I’m traveling for work. Lame-o. So we’ve been savoring this last week home – going for a picnic lunch, binge-watching the rest of Battlestar Galactica, grilling and sleeping.

I can’t tell you what a relief it’s been to have him home. The school year is so demanding, especially with him also giving nights to grad school and other work obligations. I could feel the switch flip July 4th weekend. We’d come back to each other after months of busyness with work and friends.

September’s transition back into the reality of the school year, away from the summer days and having H home, is always tough for me… but I am hopeful that each August I learn a better way – and can do better at enjoying my life – until H surfaces from all of his commitments Thanksgiving weekend.

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Those flowers are a bouquet my sister left for us after dog/house sitting over a week ago. They are awesome.
See all of my August Break 2013 posts here

day 7: skyline

Up at 5am EDT for a shower and another stop at Wawa before we headed to the airport. Crazily enough, 13 hours later, I am back in Los Angeles, sitting at my kitchen table, writing this.

We came home to our apartment cleaned and flowers on the table thanks to my AWESOME sister. The pup is very tired, and may be sick. We walked him, ate burritos, and food shopped. Laundry is in the dryer. We still have to unpack. H is napping before grad school tonight and I’m trying my best to get organized and run with the energy this little break gave me, while trying to avoid a nap myself.

Just made a list of everyone’s birthdays. I want to get better at sending snail mail…

Vacation (and the Sun in Virgo) makes me want to get better about everything family and household related, down to the tiniest details.

Guess we’ll see how long that lasts.

day 4: love

Yesterday we had an entire day in Philly. It was SO MUCH FUN. I plan on sharing a longer post , but for now, here’s a shot in honor of August Break. See all of my August Break 2013 posts here.

day 3: yellow

See all of my August Break 2013 posts here.

At Home, in the Blues




And then we went to the Doheny Blues Festival.

The weather was warm, and the music was hot. We baked in the sun all day, H getting a ridiculous farmer’s tan. I slathered on the SPF 50. We lounged in beach chairs, relaxing with 10k other people. Luckily, H found us a spot right on the edge of the last section where people were setting chairs down. We ate BBQ, funnel cake, and tacos, and drank lots of beer and wine.

At one point, waiting for the Tedeschi Trucks Band to go on, I feel asleep on a blanket we put out. The sun was just sliding behind a tree, and the shade felt warm and cool at the same time. I was tipsy from wine, belly full of tacos, and I just felt this delicious feeling of…






Blue music has my heart-strings more than other music seems to move me.

I discovered Susan Tedeschi when I was about 15 yrs old – a neighbor bought me her CD saying I sounded like her. Well, I was flattered, because this woman could sing. And I wish I’d kept hold of that thread through music college, because I think of how much more singing I could’ve done if I’d chased after this line of music.

Those memories bring me back to being 16 yrs old, at music camp, and so in love with life (and a boy). How at home I felt, surrounded by people playing music, holding hands with this guy who looked past my eyes and into my soul, and away from my family for the first time.

I remember being in a vocal workshop and us all going around improv-ing these blue lyrics over some changes. And I remember feeling this instance in my body, and letting it come out my mouth, almost too late where I’d missed my cue… but I hadn’t. And after that exercise, the assistant teacher came over and complimented me on my timing, on my voice.

I’d really had something.

But the next few years proved to be challenging, and music went off my map, or maybe I went off it’s. I remember a few years later, one teacher said she didn’t know if I “couldn’t hear the right notes, of if you just have terrible pitch”. Contradictory feedback, eh? And the second came at $1000+ / credit. (shaking my head – like wtf?)

Regardless, being back in the sun and grass, hearing those guitars come charging through the afternoon heat, and Susan’s voice flooding my ears – it felt good to be back there.

Wherever that is.

Laundry Piled High

After traveling for two weeks, I can tell you that the first thing I want to do when I return home is nest. This involves some combination of cleaning, doing laundry, walking the dog through the neighborhood and napping. It also doesn’t hurt to go out with friends and enjoy being with H again.

Took me two days, but I sorted, washed and folded 6 loads of laundry. Sheesh. It’s my least favorite chore. I also cleaned the kitchen, bathroom and master bedroom. Being that we only have a 900 sq foot 2bed-2bath apartment, I can’t imagine trying to clean a house. But I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

For now, I am hoping we can figure out some budget to hire a cleaning crew at least 1x per month, if not 2x. I used to think that cleaning was part of who I am, but I am realizing that things being clean and enjoying cleaning are two different things. The more I want to focus on my own stuff, the less I want to clean.

Until then, though, you can find me vacuuming as Carter Cash’s started shedding again. Good times.

House Hunting: Getting On Board

It’s only been in the last few weeks that I’ve reconciled the idea of buying a house.

H wants to own property and probably a lot of it. I think it’s partially from his own upbringing of moving around a lot (owning a home means something to him), partially his interest in financial stability and partially b/c it’s the thing you do when you’re grown up (haha). On the other hand, I am petrified. The thought of an expensive mortgage, the upkeep and problems, and the commitment to a neighborhood scare the crap out of me.

But since the wedding, I miss the on-the-same-page coupleness we had – the united front of our life goals. For the past half of a year, it’s been a lot of H working and going to grad school and me feeling like I’m spinning my wheels.

So this is the start. I don’t foresee this process going quickly, but it’s nice to make the beginning.

Our First Christmas In LA

It was our first Christmas in LA and as newly weds. I didn’t take a ton of photos. Total regret since this is the first time I hosted Christmas for my siblings, and that we’re all 3 away from home… we didn’t take one photo together #fail

At least we have a few pictures and lots of memories.

We were up at 5am to video chat with H’s family and then checked in on my parents. Despite the lack of sleep and three bottles of wine in twenty-four hours, it was a relaxing day. Just lovely. My mom made sure we had a ton of gifts (three boxes arrived on Christmas Eve) and my sister cooked all day Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. The photo above is the amazing lasagna she made for Christmas Eve and the cheesecake she made for Christmas dessert (best one I’ve ever had). A friend came over too – we walked, napped, talked, played cards and felt as festive as could be.

Last year I wrote about the holidays being a blur and wishing for “tens days home with H and our dog” and here we are… I’m loving every minute of it. Sending you lots of cheer as 2012 winds down through the next day or so. Love xo


Originally, I wanted to get out of LA for a night this vacation. San Diego, Santa Barbara, Palm Springs. Whatever. But then time flew,  and the days, while full, were getting away from us. After an amazing holiday party last night (where my team won the 4-round game, we drank hot apple cider spiked with jack, and ate little pb&j sandwiches cut to be reindeer faces), we didn’t go to bed until 2AM.

Around 7am a huge boom of thunder woke us straight up. My temples pounded with adrenaline. I had trouble falling back asleep. We stayed in bed until after 10am. I didn’t run or write this morning. It was a void of course moon all day.

We spent some time at a friend’s house, letting the dogs play. H captured a few more forts in his video game and cooked us dinner. I spent most of the afternoon organizing and cleaning the office, which doubled as my sister’s room for the past 2 months. Stuff went to its rightful place, the garbage or a pile for donations. Some sort of determination took hold of my body and I wiped, moved, filed and discarded item and item. I even vacuumed the cobwebs and pulled stuff off the walls to rehang it in new places.

I finished the Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest and moved right on to Slammerkin. Our kitchen table is almost cleared of random crap. Yesterday we went up to H’s school and did work, after letting the dog play in the park. Today we picked up lattes on our drive. We cuddled in bed listening to the pattering rain.

I want to go to bed and luxuriate in sleep, but I also want to stay up and savor each moment of home.

I needed this – nesting, quiet, time alone with H. Things feel cozy and normal again – this is our home life. How I’ve missed it so.


Twas a Good Day

Today was exceptionally wonderful – a great start to our holiday vacation.

I was up early – not because I meant to be, but because alcohol from last night disrupted my sleep. I wrote morning pages and read a book. We straightened up the downstairs some, both of us a tad cranky. We’d planned breakfast out and then shopping, but H suggested we take the dog along with us and swing by the puppy park first.

The boys played at the park while I sat in the car relaxing. I noticed the change in seasons in the gray light and crisp air. The atmosphere finally matches the shift in our energy since Daylight Savings Time ended.

At breakfast we chatted about plans to stay in this apartment for at least another 18 months or so, and my dream from August about replacing the carpet and couch and repainting may finally come to fruition in a few weeks. H is on board. He feels “we’re just visiting now”. I could hear an ache for “home” when he spoke. I admit, this caught me off guard some, as he’s hardly been home since grad school started in September. But hardly being here probably just exaggerates his feeling of just visiting. It made me even more driven to nest; clean, decorate and create our space with intention.

We drove up to Santa Monica’s 3rd Street Promenade – part outdoor mall, part tourist trap. I had to go to an Apple store for part of H’s gift. He went into Express and Urban Outfitters. We traded off waiting outside with the dog. It felt relaxing until the crowds swelled, so we left.

We ran laundry, wrapped gifts and watched football. I read some more. We ate frozen pizza. H and my sister drank some beers and are watching a movie. I’m tucked upstairs, after a hot shower, blogging from bed with the dog curled at my feet.

‘Twas a good day.