Allowing Myself

…to feel, to love, to be.

Tag: horoscope

Day In The Life: Live Is Being Lived

Lately, I’ve been up and down emotionally. When this happens, I never know exactly why and therefore randomly try things to help me feel better. Most don’t seem to work and the best plan is just to wait it out. Monday was anxiety, Wednesday was frustration, and Thursday was something close to depression.

But when I remembered it was June’s “day in the life“, I perked up. Here was something that could anchor my day. Something that would remind me to notice the moments and to choose the “better” task hour to hour.

So, I went through my day, taking photos. And I remembered my horoscope from Astrobarry last week:

In case you haven’t noticed by now, Pisces, the horoscopes I’ve been writing you lately have been pretty fucking awesome. They have mostly centered around accepting yourself for who you are, right here and right now (instead of mooning over what could’ve been or might someday be), and just reveling in the giddiness and gorgeousness and general good-time feelings wherever and whenever you can find ’em. Now, I don’t want to be a sugarcoating bliss-ninny and give you the mistaken impression that everything in life will be sunshine and rainbow and tutti-frutti ice-cream cones from here on out—hell, I bet even at the best of times, there are still some things that are functioning poorly and/or mainly serve the role of ‘giant pain-in-the-ass’. And yet, here comes a year full of Jupiter-in-the-5th, starting early next week, which is one of the loveliest astrological happenings a sign can experience: an increase of encouraging planetary energy in the house of love and romance, children and child-like wonder, pleasure and play, and all leisure-time activities which bring creative self-fulfillment. Raise the roof on that one, dear fishy! While this will not magically remove all bumps-in-the-road or thorns-in-your-side, it does support you whenever you take steps to improve your appreciative enjoyment of the world. Knowing you, the hardest part just might be determining what you most genuinely enjoy… without unduly considering everyone else’s preferences and pressures. Doing more of what you really really love, by the way, is an incredibly attractivequality.

And I focused on doing what I wanted to do.

This is the hardest thing for me. I may seem all bad-ass and confident, but sometimes the slightest look from a friend or word from H can send me off into the hustle for worthiness.

This week had plenty of that as I prepared for my annual review. Even though I just received a promotion, even though I rock my job, it sent me into a panic. Thoughts swirling about if I’ve done enough and will make the cut. If I’m liked

But I kept my focus on taking those photos. And the ideas from above: “just reveling in the giddiness and gorgeousness and general good-time feelings wherever and whenever you can find ’em… pleasure and play, and all leisure-time activities which bring creative self-fulfillment“.

And I realize now as I write this that the act of taking these photos, of noticing my life, gives value to where I’m at, allowing myself to do what I want with these precious minutes I’m given each day. And it brings creative fulfillment, which brings me deep happiness with myself and my life.

*The picture of the 3 of us on our family walk is my fav

—Related—
Ali Edward’s Day In The Life
Susannah Conway’s e-courses, especially Unravelling
Liz Lamoreux
Brene Brown

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Ritualistically Asking For Guidance

This just came up in my horoscope for this week and it can’t more spot on (click on the pic above to read):

Whatever god (or absence of) you believe in, you can benefit from repeatedly and ritualistically asking for insight… then spending enough time alone to receive this gift.

So much of what I’m doing to keep my sanity lately with 7712 countdown is rest, ask God / the universe for help, and stay open – trusting all of the way that I’m on the right path. And it’s work but it seems to be working.

Hoping I can capture this magic – the turmoil, life so full, the anxiety and the excitement – as the days go by in the next month. It’s not every day I get to plan a wedding, and as the time ticks by, I feel my anticipation growing. Still, it’s a lot. A major project that’s been a year in the making, plus a new job, all the home chores, keeping up with my love relationship and friends, and still finding time to read (and blog, though that’s fallen off my plate a lot recently).

But this is all I need – 20min and a photo or two to say I’m here, this is my experience and just as I recognize it and type it out, it’s gone, the moment, the feeling, the present state, ever changing. Even a better reason to ask for guidance and to find alone time enough to listen.

I’m all ears.

Waiting For A Wave

I want to write and then I don’t. I tell myself it’s because I don’t know what to write about, but really, it’s that I have so much to say and I can’t seem to articulate it… or find enough quiet to jot it down and then map it out. Well, I have the time, it’s the… butt in chair action I’m needing. The focus.

This week I’ve been trying a little experiment – Do what I want. Radical, I know. Of course, this is within reason, or I would’ve been on a plane to Italy, complete disregard for my bank account and obligations. It’s more like little steps; exercising the dog when I want to, not when I feel guilty, doodling when I need a mental break, going to yoga, taking my time with things (driving, eating, getting out of bed).

It’s actually been wonderful – this week’s been easier and more fulfilling than most. I guess we can deem the experience a “success” though the skeptic in me wants more evidence. Y’know, grander highs, less lower lows, hysterical laughter and giddiness about life. But that just isn’t reasonable reality.

Even though I’ve had a great week, today I am a bit foggy, right in line with the heavy mist of the coastal morning and a Moon Void of Course. I can feel myself being pulled to drama and the sugar bowl. I can’t name this feeling, but I recognize it. My new approach is to be gentle with myself, though I’m not really sure what that looks like for me. Feeling it out. For starters, it’s reassuring myself that feeling this way is OK, we’ve been here before, it will pass. Nothing is required of me to change it or banish it away. I can just recognize that this is the me I’m bringing to the table today.

It’s the annual new moon in Pisces tomorrow and horoscopes are pointing towards lots of ACTION for me this month, but today not so much. If life is like surfing, we’re either paddling out, catching our breath waiting for a wave, or riding one in. So today I’m just going to sit out in this ocean of clouds and wait, gathering my resources for the next wave, one I hope to ride in for quite some time.

Assignment: Medium-Size “Love To” List

For a super planner like me, addicted to busy-busy-busy, planning a day of absolutely nothing seems like the perfect antidote, luxurious even. If Monday is jam-packed then Tuesday is rest, creating a balance logical to most people.

Turns out, when it comes to free time, I am not most people. This approach is too overwhelming for me (hence yesterday’s mood). And yes, I see the irony is being overwhelmed by too much free time. Apsht.

A few weeks ago, I started making little lists. When the empty space of the day would start to crush my work-a-holic soul, I would jot down simple things that I enjoy and could do with my free time. They became Love To lists (I just made that up. I may change it). This was working, but again, yesterday’s mood was not overthrown. In fact, all day my mind was blank, like I was in a fight or flight panic over WHAT TO DO with my time and I couldn’t think straight enough to even name “Take a bath” or “Read a book”.

Pathetic, I know.

Of course I bring all of this to therapy. And here is where we both decide that if I’m going to to go all CT on this problem’s ass, then “doing nothing” isn’t going to work. I need some type of structure.

My little assignment, which I don’t usually receive b/c that would just feed into my issues, is to list things I enjoy doing to replace the sessions I’ll be missing as my therapist heads for maternity leave. Then, I’ll use some of the $ I’m not spending on sessions to essentially treat myself.

Aka: Me Time. And doesn’t that make the shame gremlins swirl?

It’s like a bigger version of the Love To list I mentioned above and a smaller version of a Life List (too daunting right now). Oh and you know so much crap is coming up around thinking I don’t deserve that time or that I don’t work hard enough to earn that time or that, ahem, I don’t give myself enough credit. All topics I’m sure we’ll be visiting in the near future.

I’m also seeing a connection between this medium-sized task, the pull to draw inward during this Pisces vibe and the possibility of doing the Artist’s Way during that chunk of time I’m off of therapy. All the ideas point to “Take care of yourself” and “Create“.

I’m trying – I’m blogging more, trying to listen to my body, and now I’m drawing (some of my doodles are in this post). It feels right to grow in this direction. Even my horoscope says:

Artistic activities or those involving healing are enhanced today, Pisces. Whatever you try is going to be more a part of your very being than it would be at other times. Love, art, psychic or spiritual activities – all should take on a new meaning for you at this time. This condition should last for a long time. Make the most of this energy now and your skills should continue to grow.

And my new mantra, also courtesy of my horoscope:

Change does not have to be intense and traumatic –

but it does take work.