Allowing Myself

…to feel, to love, to be.

Tag: hustle for worthiness

Day In The Life: Live Is Being Lived

Lately, I’ve been up and down emotionally. When this happens, I never know exactly why and therefore randomly try things to help me feel better. Most don’t seem to work and the best plan is just to wait it out. Monday was anxiety, Wednesday was frustration, and Thursday was something close to depression.

But when I remembered it was June’s “day in the life“, I perked up. Here was something that could anchor my day. Something that would remind me to notice the moments and to choose the “better” task hour to hour.

So, I went through my day, taking photos. And I remembered my horoscope from Astrobarry last week:

In case you haven’t noticed by now, Pisces, the horoscopes I’ve been writing you lately have been pretty fucking awesome. They have mostly centered around accepting yourself for who you are, right here and right now (instead of mooning over what could’ve been or might someday be), and just reveling in the giddiness and gorgeousness and general good-time feelings wherever and whenever you can find ’em. Now, I don’t want to be a sugarcoating bliss-ninny and give you the mistaken impression that everything in life will be sunshine and rainbow and tutti-frutti ice-cream cones from here on out—hell, I bet even at the best of times, there are still some things that are functioning poorly and/or mainly serve the role of ‘giant pain-in-the-ass’. And yet, here comes a year full of Jupiter-in-the-5th, starting early next week, which is one of the loveliest astrological happenings a sign can experience: an increase of encouraging planetary energy in the house of love and romance, children and child-like wonder, pleasure and play, and all leisure-time activities which bring creative self-fulfillment. Raise the roof on that one, dear fishy! While this will not magically remove all bumps-in-the-road or thorns-in-your-side, it does support you whenever you take steps to improve your appreciative enjoyment of the world. Knowing you, the hardest part just might be determining what you most genuinely enjoy… without unduly considering everyone else’s preferences and pressures. Doing more of what you really really love, by the way, is an incredibly attractivequality.

And I focused on doing what I wanted to do.

This is the hardest thing for me. I may seem all bad-ass and confident, but sometimes the slightest look from a friend or word from H can send me off into the hustle for worthiness.

This week had plenty of that as I prepared for my annual review. Even though I just received a promotion, even though I rock my job, it sent me into a panic. Thoughts swirling about if I’ve done enough and will make the cut. If I’m liked

But I kept my focus on taking those photos. And the ideas from above: “just reveling in the giddiness and gorgeousness and general good-time feelings wherever and whenever you can find ’em… pleasure and play, and all leisure-time activities which bring creative self-fulfillment“.

And I realize now as I write this that the act of taking these photos, of noticing my life, gives value to where I’m at, allowing myself to do what I want with these precious minutes I’m given each day. And it brings creative fulfillment, which brings me deep happiness with myself and my life.

*The picture of the 3 of us on our family walk is my fav

—Related—
Ali Edward’s Day In The Life
Susannah Conway’s e-courses, especially Unravelling
Liz Lamoreux
Brene Brown

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Fluidity

Today was another up & down day. This is getting exhausting.

And amazingly enough, it was somehow productive – the good and bad fading so quickly into one another it was hard to keep track. Fluid, I guess. Also, a total pain in the ass.

Overall I feel vulnerable, frustrated and a bit like I’m hustling. (Insert Brene Brown link here, which in my tiredness I am unable to find) For what, for who, I’m not sure. I bet it doesn’t help the person I report to has changed 3x in one month. Or that I have 5 events, 4 trips and one presentation to do in the next 6 weeks. Or that I can’t seem to get consistent exercise and did I mention the heat?!

One of the good parts of today was working from a Starbucks. I get so much done with limited battery power and ambient noise of other people surrounding me. One of the down parts was saying something to H that hurt his feelings. Whether or not I’m able to keep myself out of this funk is one thing, but the fact that I can apologize to him and not make things a huge fight (anymore) is a win for the day. I’m still doing something right.

Also, H took me to the self-carwash, the kind with quarter machines and huge water guns, and taught me how to wash my own car. I know how to do it but not at these self-serve car-washes that dot Los Angeles. One step closer to being a native…? Guess we’ll have to see.

 

Somehow, It’s All Enough

Home two weeks now and finally back into the swing of things. This weekend we ventured around LA, cleaned the apartment, and purchased new items to spruce up the house (including the paisley pillow above – which I’m in love with).

Yesterday I worked out and today I ran 3miles. Last night we went out to dinner with new / old friends. I’m putting a good bit of time into work and feeling out a routine. Tonight we actually watched a movie, which we hardly ever do. My digital sabbatical feels good and I continue to get up each day and write morning pages.

I don’t talk about this blog nor my morning pages practice with anyone. Until last night’s dinner, I don’t think I’ve really ever mentioned either to friends, not even besties. Even though it’s a huge part of my life – 3pgs long hand in the morning, quick blog post at night – I do it for me. As much as I like the idea of writing professionally, especially having a blog that speaks to and supports other people and the art of conversation… I don’t know.

Somehow, the writing is enough.

And so is walking my dog, being out in our neighborhood, riding my bike, running, cuddling with my husband, clean sheets, home-cooked meals, new pillows, a good day of work, an engaging conversation with friends, a phone call with my sister, a visit with my brother, a text from my parents, flowers on the table, a few sun salutations, a perfect latte and watching the ocean.

It’s all enough.

There was a time when it wasn’t because I wasn’t (you only have to go back through the last 222 posts to see my hard-earned progress). I didn’t think highly of myself, didn’t think I deserved all that was streaming past me in each day. How wrong I was.

xo

 

Instead of Just Living

I’ll be honest, Monday holidays are tough for me. Today was exactly like other weekdays, except the relief that I didn’t need to check email. It comes with an alone-ness though. Most everyone else is working and I have absolutely no money to spend on a *fun* day. Instead I had a normal day – gym, write, eat, errand, petsit. Every day is a “normal” day – what changes is my level of panic. What’s interesting about today though is how I was able to combat the anxiety.

Panic came when I was told I had to convince someone else of my accomplishments. Panic came when I wasn’t sure I could fit it all in. Panic came when I wasn’t sure I purchased the right gift for my sister. Panic came when I worried I wasn’t doing enough.

But then…

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