Allowing Myself

…to feel, to love, to be.

Tag: jen lee

Piqued

I spend a lot of time online – reading and absorbing. And I’ve seen how other bloggers post link round-ups, but I hesitate to do the same b/c I don’t want to create more entry points to the black hole of the internet. So I’ve decided to have a (hopefully) weekly post where I collect things that have caught my eye, sharing them with you, but mostly throwing down a snapshot of my brain in web-links.

Oh, and it will (hopefully) include a weekly photo of Carter Cash b/c…
Carter Cash.

Last night, we sat in OVER AN HOUR of traffic at MIDNIGHT because the 405 was CLOSED. Happy Mercury retrograde!!!

Abide With Me and Staying Near, by Lindsey Mead (and the quote below) made me feel and think, but I’m finding Lindsey’s writing often does that to me:

Just being – ourselves, with someone else, aware – is no small feat for most of us. Being present to someone else with our conscious self. Bearing witness to someone else without judgment. Listening to someone else without agenda. This is a true gift.

Medium: started by the founder of Twitter & Blogger, Ev Williams, a new platform for longer stories. I’ve been thinking about longer stories and how I want my blog to hold space for that kind of writing. Will share if I actually sign up & post on Medium.

As the art critic Harold Rosenberg once wrote: “Being loved is a kind of fame.”
And, in America, we seem to see anonymity as being the polar opposite of what we all believe we value most: authenticity.
Authenticity is this God-term that encapsulates what we as Americans find sacred and it is the heart our culture of romantic individuality.
I’ll define authenticity as that which what we feel is most real, true and original about ourselves.
And authenticity has this interesting correlation with fame.
As in: the more I’m seen and known, the more famous I am, the more authentic I am.
Despite the fact that fame, as we all know, is in its essence a kind of persona or mask and also a kind of un-reality.

(Above quote) Speaking of longer stories, my friend Steve, who is the person who suggested that I should try therapy b/c I would probably enjoy it – is blogging! We have these epic 3-hour-long lunches where we talk & discuss & delve deeper than regular conversations, and reading his blog gives me that same feeling, and though it doesn’t replace our convos, it’s a good bridge till the next time.

I met Jen Lee and watched her film, Indie Kindred, when she toured last year. I felt so special Jen took time to chat with me one on one – it was like she was there just to see me. She’s one of my creative heroes and I’m happy to share Indie Kindred was released in streaming form online this past week – and also, I’m included in the trailer. Weeeeeeee!

I have to admit, when I heard Elise was launching a podcast, Elise Gets Crafty, I felt jelz. Like, really. I want a podcast haha. But I’m only 6 episodes in, and I have to say, where it lacks in polish, it more than makes up for it in awesome information & discussions. It’s a testament to having an idea, launching, and figuring it out as you go – which is more than most people can say. Episode 3 is my fav so far.

West Coast – Lana Del Rey. This song is officially my summer jam. I don’t know many songs that make me want to dance and make out.

Down on the West Coast, they got their icons
Their silver starlets, their Queens of Saigon
And you’ve got the music, you’ve got the music
In you, don’t you?

Down on the West Coast, they love their movies
Their golden gods and rock and roll groupies
And you’ve got the music, you’ve got the music
In you, don’t you?

 

Annnnddddddd a few of my favorite link round-ups:
Something Good, by Jill Salahub
Five on Friday, by Kelly Purkey
Web Time Wasters, by Yes and Yes

 

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500th Time of Allowing Myself

Carter and I this morning during our bike ride.

What I want to tell you is this is my 500th post, and at such a milestone, I wanted to celebrate the way that bloggers do…

But I’m realizing more and more how much hustling goes on online, with word-count limits, bullet lists and productivity tricks. I mean, I knew I was avoiding that type of space, but it’s only in the past few months I’m thinking about actually creating this space, fleshing it out with my own experience and inviting you to share yours.

So instead of a give-away, top 10 list or guest posting all over the interwebs, I am here, doing my usual thing. Sharing stuff about life.

I hosted a work event last night – it went as perfectly as an annual event can, with the help of lovely volunteers and the weather knocking down the RSVP list (this is a good thing). And even though I rested beforehand and didn’t have much on my plate today, even though I had volunteers and nothing crazy happened, even though I was home and in bed before midnight and didn’t drink a single sip of alcohol – I woke up today feeling totally wiped out.

This almost always happens. The effort of planning, executing and keeping myself calm for the weeks prior and during the hours of an event, lead to some crazy post-event hangover.

I think it’s a pressure thing. I’m learning in my INFJ business class how my type is prone to over-achieving and over-extending… not to mention perfectionism.

And in honor of my INFJ-ness, I went for self-care today, but it seemed I felt worse as I tried a myriad of things: working, running errands, reading, and finally napping. Somehow even napping made me feel worse. I mean, come on.

It’s only hours later, after a walk outside in the chilly air, two Advil, a mug of hot tea, and a heat pack on my neck that I’m feeling able to do anything. Sitting here & writing is a major step up from the tears that leaked out while I changed the bed sheets.

It’s posts like Dream Time by Elizabeth that remind me it’s OK to have days like this (serendipity has her using Van Morrison too hah). It’s listening to this podcast again, Jen Lee speaking with Michael Nobbs, that remind me it’s OK to not be able to get too much done. It’s this episode of Creative Living with Jamie where they speak about honoring seasons and experiencing winter… and it’s me trying to remember where I am in the moon cycle, as maybe that’s what’s to blame for all of this.

I know a good night’s sleep will help. I know this is only temporary. And I know my body & emotions process things in ways my mind doesn’t understand… so it’s only fitting that my 500th blog post is really just me circling all of these resources and lessons again – and allowing myself to be.

xo

Tweet Tuesday – Jen Lee

Currently I’m enrolled in Andrea Scher’s Cultivating Courage class. And the above tweet seemed quiet appropriate. I found out above it back in November. Thankful for my past self setting this up.

So far I have drafted a spreadsheet to deal with a bill issue, emailed a coworker, went through all of my events without drinking, taken must needed rest and met a neighbor (who I will be having lunch with tomorrow).

That is all. 🙂

A Fine Observation

I’m having trouble making decisions.

Each specific I note or detail I say out loud feels like a flutter, and then disappears. These long moon void of course days, the disruption of my job changing, and the possibility of H’s job not coming back are wearing on me. Parental visits and feeling sick. Being caught up in phone calls where people rant and rave about what’s happening, but no one can do anything. Lacking the support and comfort of therapy. Whatever routine or semblance of rhythm I had a few weeks ago, it’s gone.

Add to all of this H being home for 2 weeks and wanting to reorganize the entire apartment…utter upheaval. We’ve bought new desks, rearranged the office, lost 3 hours in the black hole of Ikea, argued about shelving at Home Depot and then left empty handed.

Running is normally like a reset button for me, but even after 2 rest days, this morning felt like “punching under water” (John Mayer). My lungs felt heavy. I cut my route short and walked the last mile.

As if my body absorbed the chaos, my muscles pull tight as rubber bands, my bones crack under the weight. Things bounce around my head, but I’m unable to sustain a thought long enough to articulate. Even writing this now feels dumb…slow.

Just a phase, I know, one weird cycle in the many cycles of my life, but frustration rises in my throat. I fear I’ll break into a tantrum, stamping my feet and crying. How many changes can one balance? Mercury Retrograde on top of it all doesn’t help – each detail changing, things unclear or constantly being reevaluated.

It’s not anger, but exhaustion. My drive to accomplish, organize, even have fun has dwindled.

…the list of things to-do mounting, the way I always feel in those moments like everything that needs to happen needs to happen this minute and simultaneously. I remember this sensation, I thought, and ran through all the words I have for it. Stressed. Manic. Wound-up. Operating with a Too-Small Margin. Over-stimulated. Weary. (Jen Lee)

She plays the bare minimum game. I’m trying, but mentally things are still chaotic. I worry my ability to do things, that my care for things won’t return, and I’ll just be a zombie of a person. That the weird chest pain I’ve been experiencing will either mean death or anxiety attacks. That things won’t smooth out ever again.

But it will. It always does. I keep breathing, the world keeps spinning and life goes on. And this came up in my morning pages: Feeling like I have too much to do is a direct result of not having enough time alone.

Bingo. Now what to do with that fine observation?

Just a list of thoughts for now…

Tonight we’re eating spaghetti for the second night in a row. Mind you, it’s with homemade sauce, but this may be the first time since I moved out of my parents’ house and certainly since moving in with my fiance. Food, cooking, what I eat, when I eat it – I’ve never had an eating disorder but this is just another way I flex my “perfectionism” in a normal days work.

The past 6 weeks were a chaotic ride. All that Mercury Retrograde and space to recover. It’s only in the last 7 days that all has gone quiet again. With that quietness on the outside comes a rush of thinking on the inside. I tried writing a post a few nights ago, but it just didn’t come. So much in my head, even if my days are empty. In another effort to not let perfection be the enemy of the good, here is a list of what I’ve been turning over:

  • Dr. Brene Brown’s videos, blog and book, and subsequently
  • DreamLab – my need to devour every morsel of info from Brene Brown (who is creating the course) overode any lack of funds
  • Needing a lot of sleep and finding my dream symbolism shouting “Anxiety!”
  • Thinking “I have plenty of money” instead of focusing on said lack of funds
  • Triangulation
  • Self-compassion / parenting yourself
  • Perfectionism / shame
  • Running again – a shift in weather, some major stress and I found myself running 3milers again.
  • Wedding planning
  • People pleasing
  • Shift in employment
  • These amazing bloggers for inspiring me My Topography, Susannah Conway, and Jen Lee (thank u)

I’ll bring you more when I’m able.

Mondo Beyondo Dream Lab: play, practice, learn