Allowing Myself

…to feel, to love, to be.

Tag: journal

Five Year Plan

“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” ~Annie Dillard

I believe that small, daily habits build our lives, so of course I love the idea of this 5 year, one-line-per-day journal. Since I received this little book as a Christmas gift (thanks E!) I started January 1st 2015.

Each night, I write a little bit about the day. So far, I’ve missed an evening or two (usually b/c I’m tired and turn off the light before I remember) but it’s simple enough to fill it in the next morning. It has 5 entries per page, with each page being one day of the year. You fill in the year and a little blurb about your day.

I’m only 6 weeks into it, so there’s no spectacular a-ha moment. The nightly reflection is nice, but the real reward will be over the next few years, as I revisit my previous entry for each date. So much can happen in 5 years…

Since 2010:
– this blog was started
– we adopted Carter Cash
– we got engaged (and then married)
– we went on our epic Grand Canyon trip (and had yet to visit Hawaii or Alaska)
– my job was different and has only gotten better
– my siblings didn’t live near me in CA
– my relationship with my parents was not so good
– I attended my first retreat, and took many an online class
– a few of my really good girlfriends still lived here
– I started therapy
– I was just beginning to experiment with photography again
– I’d never had a life coach
rock climbing was not a thing
– I was still in my 20s
– I didn’t know how to take care of myself. I certainly hustled for my worthiness.
– I hadn’t read Harry Potter yet.

So yeah, a lot can happen in 5 years. Looking forward to having this small, memory-keeping habit capture and reflect on my days and our lives.

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6 of 52: Year of Ocean

Biked down to Venice Beach alone. Went to Menotti’s Coffee Shop for a latte. Walked down to the water, snapping photos along the way. Sat myself down on a beach towel, ate a peanut butter sandwich, and wrote my morning pages.

I welcomed this year by swimming in the waves. And I can see that this visit was a way to welcome in my thirtieth year, but I didn’t do anything symbolic.

In my writing, I noted that I am feeling better: Like I finally caught a wave after sitting on my board for a while. I have ideas, inklings, things I want to do + feel I have the energy for it.

And then I wrote:

It’s not that the fuzziness is gone, not that I’ve reached clarity or a higher consciousness. And def haven’t heard from God, but it’s as if I was in a dark and musty room. Cobwebs of regret strung between walls hung with failures and x-marks the spot of where I could’ve done better (can’t we always? but it’s not productive to dwell) It’s actually as if a door cracked open. That there is now a beam of sun, however weak, but warm, reaching through to guide me out. Beckoning me, that this time of darkness is almost over. And I will soon be able to see.

Cheers to the ocean, to writing, and to feeling lighter. Being able to see again.

*See all of my Year of Ocean

What I Really Need

Received a newsletter from Michele at Hot Love Revolution. In closing, she writes, “So please, get on board with your own needs, even if you’ve been judging yourself for having them.”

Even if you judge yourself for having them.

And I realized that’s exactly what I’ve been doing.

The past few days, I’ve been laying low. I’ve read, exercised, worked on Project Life and journaled. Oh, I’ve journaled more than I have in a while, and soaked up this alone time in all its deliciousness.

I’ve needed this. Creativity and time alone. And then I wrote this:

I am craving living a life a little deeper and more meaningful than the one that exists when I’m running on steam, doing an excellent job at my career, but not spending any time on myself. I do spend a good bit of time on self-care – exercise and morning pages and lowering the bar…

But I’ve lost a drive for something that’s MINE. For my own creativity and for my own expression. I believe in my existence – I believe it matters and I’m doing well by the time I have here – but I feel there could be more.

There could be… ART.

This is not the first time I’ve come to this conclusion.

I keep circling this feeling, this topic, this mood – like a lion paces the border of his fences at the zoo – knowing that he’s trapped.

I do not know what it is that I can offer the world. What I do know is, I need to offer something. I am searching for my place, my community, my own art manifested. Mind you, this all feels like a bunch of BS when it comes to the part of me that shows up dutifully for work every day, but to my soul… it’s there.

And I thought about another blogger, Esme Wang, who’s website has grown in gorgeousness since I first found it and I think, “I have so not turned pro yet”. She’s raised the bar on her own work. It’s sincere, real and creative. And basically, I’m jealous, in the best way. She’s doing it. I’m not.

Energy and hours have brought me to a place where I can take time for myself without judging. But taking time for creative pursuits? For work that isn’t “work”? Creating for the process of it?

Haven’t made it to that yet.

But that’s what I really need.

– – – – – – –

How about you? What do you really need? xo

 

Checking In

This photo is from a year ago today. This afternoon I sat at the same desk, sipping a different beverage, doing the work I do to pay the bills. I found this picture while going through my 2012 photos, reviewing my year for Chookooloonks’ Create.2013.

But instead of doing the assigned prompts, I am here, with you. I’m writing out of frustrated with the e-course. We’re supposed to go back through 2012 for all of the good, and then our lives for all of the awesome. This should be fun, life-affirming work, but the tasks seem totally overwhelming. And besides, I already did a review of 2012 in November and December. I’m over reviewing 2012 – I’m ready to get started, and riding high on the energy of a new year.

That’s what I thought this class was, dreaming, looking forward, and journaling to deepen my experience in the world. So far it feels cerebral and a lot like homework.

But I’m not writing because the class sucks. In fact, I’m sure it’s totally fine and working for most people enrolled. What I want to write about is how I feel like, since this isn’t working for me, then I must be sucking. And that I should try harder. Or make myself do it. Or care more. Or any other “should” that comes to mind. I panic that I signed up for the wrong class at the wrong time, or that I’m doing it wrong, or that I’ve wasted my money. And I feel stupid – like there is some trick I’m missing or some piece of information I lack before I can settle in and do this.

This shit is coming up from an e-course I signed up for for fun. And if it’s coming up here, then when else do these gremlins rear their ugly heads? What else am I fighting against each day? How is it that something so simple can turn me against myself?

Luckily, I’m aware of this creeping in, so I’m going to leave it alone for the night. I know nothing’s wrong with me. I know I’ve signed up and it’s the perfectly right time, even if it means the lessons sit in my email until I feel ready to do them. A good night’s sleep and some cuddles will help. And I’ll be sure to check back with an update re: the class itself and my own issues. Until then… xo