Allowing Myself

…to feel, to love, to be.

Tag: loneliness

Lonely to Lovely

Monday I wasn’t feeling so hot, but I tried to make the best of it. I thought it would pass.

Tuesday I didn’t feel much better.

Be it pms, the moon phase, 9.11 memories, too many work loops left open, feeling a bit too tired to deal with other people’s energy – whatever. It was crap. I knew it was OK, but I couldn’t shake it off either.

As I wasted time Tuesday morning on Instagram, I saw a friend post a few pages from the creative book Steal Like An Artist. I commented:

Omg yes! I may need to borrow. Or we should have coffee / creative book swap time.

As soon as I wrote that, I felt excited. That’s exactly what I needed! Creative, coffee, friend time. I was lonely! Miss loves-alone-time wanted company. Who knew?

So I texted said this gal for a coffee date. It felt odd, putting myself out there. Like I was 12 years old – come out and play? We’ve gotten coffee before but we’re not, like, friends friends. I know her through work, and from college, but at the same time I’ve never been to her apartment…

Magically, she texted back she could hang after work. My mood soared. I felt motivated to do my work. I had something to look forward to. And being that I’m not seeing my therapist this week, it was 100% what I needed.

I’ve mentioned before, but deep conversation is part of the things that make me feel complete. So this hang totally hit the spot. And that night H and I went out for Yogurtland and by Wednesday morning, I was a new person. Or back to normal. However we can celebrate it.

Did I mention my friend is pretty f-ing talented too? Check her out.

Somewhere, Out There

Today’s horoscope suggested that, when having trouble expressing myself, I turn to art. I have yet to do that exactly, but I did take myself out for coffee and start my new journal. This came my way while journaling: If I appreciated my life and myself, wouldn’t I treat it / me better?

Um… what?

There is a tension in me that says something like that all.the.time (again, bit of trouble expressing myself today). It says, “You are not doing enough with your life, what a terrible waste of potential you are!” and the other says, “You need to appreciate what you have and be happy with the life you’ve been given”. Guilt for not doing enough or guilt for not being happy that I already have enough.

Where does this shit come from?

And talk about mixed signals. Those churning thoughts above were mixed with the lovely sentiment from DreamLab today – that my life is this amazing thing just waiting for my loving hands.

“…your one precious life. If you dare to love it, to hold it with kind regard even, you will do it no harm.”

And I asked myself: How can I loving hold my life in my hands? A flood of feeling came back of being a passionate and emotional 16 yr old, someone who knew what she wanted and yet felt such chaos. Someone who knew that living her life would do it no harm. The person I was before everything felt too difficult to feel anymore.

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No I feel like I just don’t get it. I’m here. My life is wonderful. But I’m upset every day for my lack of contribution. Depressed because I have no community. Upset because I want a fuller, more meaningful life.

There must be a place somewhere for me. Some type of deep involvement to be created or found via writing, creating, and connecting with other people and their stories. Something that isn’t so shallow or boring. Some way that I can make a difference.

There’s gotta be a way.

Moon Void of Course (of course!)

I woke up feeling fine and going about my routine – drink vitamins, feed dog, take him for a walk – but I could feel a heavy feeling gathering. It’s a familiar feeling. It starts with “What should I do today?” slides into “I am so lost” and becomes “I just want to sleep – I hate everything“.

 

Up until now, I’ve been able to avoid it by staying busy. See, I work alone and my job doesn’t require a lot from me. Most people would find this to be most excellent, but for me, it’s like I do not matter in the whole entire world. Staying busy – scheduled, productive, and enjoying my time alone – is key. Recently it’s been even better because I’ve taken on petsitting a friend’s dog 3x per week. This gives me just enough mental stimulation to feel productive but not so much I want to cry. Plus, it’s extra income. Win.

 

Wednesday this feeling started (no pet sitting, no work to focus on and rain too!). I wallowed a bit but eventually got my butt to the gym and then hosted an event. Yesterday, after a late night drinking wine and not a lot of sleep, I expected to feel crappy. Still, I hit the gym and did what I could to figure out what the heck to do with all of this time. I just couldn’t get motivated. And then, my dog sniffed another dog the wrong way at the park and ended up with a bite mark and swollen snout. Nothing horrendous, but scary and stressful enough that I felt myself slipping.

 

How To Be Alone

Alone. Solitary. Unaccompanied. Lonely.

This is not a blog post of high authority, explaining to you, dear Reader, the merits of alone time and how to thoroughly escape the world at large. I’m no good at being alone, though it seems my batteries only recharge when I have time to do so.

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Alone, But Not Alone

I spent the week alone, but not alone. Twas a good week, but still not what I want. That little slice of heaven feeling escapes me. The power to create my schedule, to be the queen of my days is so enticing and then, once given the power, I fail. Maybe that’s too harsh a word, but I escape, I avoid…

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