Allowing Myself

…to feel, to love, to be.

Tag: maybe baby

The Grateful Season – Showing Up

Saturday I learned how to knit – finally. I kept thinking “I want to learn how to knit” and on Friday a friend’s roommate was all “come over tomorrow and I’ll show you”. Done and done. So I showed up.

During my e-course I mentioned a blogger who I admire. Randi encouraged me to reach out, so I did. I showed up.

Today, I did a site visit for work. These are no big deal. I figured I’d be done in 35min or less. But as I was ready to leave the supervisor suggested the intern and I get coffee. I didn’t have another appointment, so I said sure.

And I’m so glad I did.

The young girl I met with was stressed, dealing with a lot of pressure both on herself and through her family. I felt so honored to be sitting there listening to her vent, brainstorm and become a little more confident. She went from tears to relaxed.

And this reminds me that my worth in this world is about showing up. Not hustling, not performing, not even perfecting. It’s about being there for other people and reflecting back to them the light they shine.

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For the month of November, I write each day about something I’m grateful for and call it Grateful Season. It’s my way of reviewing the amazing year I’ve had and helps me focus on blogging during the crazy holiday season uptick. Feel free to join me – just make sure you let me know!

Ths Grateful Season – Ambivalence

I had coaching call with Randi Buckley back in April. I didn’t write about it then. And I’ve been participating in her Maybe Baby course since the start of October. And I haven’t written about it here either.

I have always been ambivalent about motherhood, so much so, that I thought I was on the “no thanks” side of the fence. And then I started to get my shit together, my mom and I healed our relationship, I got married and the hormone switch when ON. Like, blaring fog horn in my body on, which was extremely confusing.

Who did that make me? A slave to my body? A hypocrite? Was I becoming one of “those people” who check off the list of adult accomplishments and after marriage realize the only next step to take is “babies” and they leap off that cliff with no detailed plans?

No, not at all. I am allowed to feel out both the “yes” and “no” and everything in between. The call with Randi 7 months ago allowed me to speak this inkling out loud for the first time… and I got excited, and scared, and nervous all at the same time. What did it all mean?!

Today I practiced feeling out a full-on YES to motherhood. And I realize that my own ability to conquer the world, to know that I can kick ass (even at motherhood) waxes and wanes with my mood. And man, has my mood been mercurial lately. It sucks.

But then I read posts like this and this and this and I know, like Brooke says:

“Sometimes it feels like everyone else is doing it better, you know? Like there’s some secret I’m a little behind in knowing.

I keep hearing There’s no easy answer.
And that seems to be true. It’s even a little of a relief, because maybe I’m not missing anything at all. Maybe it’s just…like this sometimes. And times’ll change and things’ll become easier and definitely the thing to do is to see the small steps, the small positive changes and to continue on as well as possible and to do the best we can.”
And that’s where I am. Still ambivalent – my soul leaning towards a “yes” the way our feet search out warmth under the sheets or our hands massage the puppy’s ears – but at the same time it still feels impossible. How can I handle a child when I break down some days over how filthy the house feels or that I can’t possible fathom the energy for my entire to do list…?
But people do, every day, and life goes on. So, a toast here to the good work Randi does (this woman is so.much.fun to chat with), the good work I’m doing for me and my future and the honesty to know, I need to allow myself to sit in this ambivalence. While it’s not the final answer at all, it is part of my path, and I’m learning to embrace all aspects, even those that are unclear and uncomfortable.

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For the month of November, I write each day about something I’m grateful for and call it Grateful Season. It’s my way of reviewing the amazing year I’ve had and helps me focus on blogging during the crazy holiday season uptick. Feel free to join me – just make sure you let me know!

Side note: to be honest, I feel like I’m coping out on these posts somehow. I wanted to use them as an review of my year, but instead they seem to be just daily posts. Since I invented this series, there is no “wrong” way to do it, but seriously, I was hoping to get a tad more in-depth by now.

Productive Monday Holiday

Yesterday was a Monday holiday for me.

Every week should be a 3-day weekend.

I was uber-produtive, creative, relaxed and happy… even with some weird head cold that’s brewing.

I cleaned the bathroom, ran 3 loads of laundry, washed the doggie bed, walked Carter Cash for an hour, worked on an e-course, created a new journal to go with the e-course, cooked food, took care of the carpet company estimate, talked to my family 2x, read a book, journaled, worked on a video, vacuumed downstairs, dusted and vacuumed my bedroom, changed the sheets, responded to emails, and watched football (the Jets are depressing ::sigh::). All of this with energy and never really feeling pressured or upset I was doing so much cleaning alone.

(Thank you moon void of course)

Today was a pretty good day at the office, though I am right on the precipice of completely freaking out with all the work I have to do. I tried to list all of the projects and “next actions” I could think of a la Getting Things Done (GTD). It seemed to help, but more and more things keep pouring out of my head. The crazy part is – how was I not going crazy already with all of that in there? Well, I guess I was.

There’s a lot of stuff percolating – three upcoming trips, three work events, this e-course which I’m sure will dredge up some buried items and MY SISTER RELOCATING TO LOS ANGELES and sleeping on my floor for a few weeks.

It’s funny how I post here so often and hardly mention the people in my life. It’s because I don’t share this blog with anyone (though I understand it’s out in the internets) and yet I feel like I have to ask permission to write about other people on here, which would mean I’d have to talk to them about the existence of this blog. Round & round.

Anyways – I’m working on that. The above is enough for now, I think, especially if you didn’t have yesterday off and / or are a Jets fan. ‘Night.