Allowing Myself

…to feel, to love, to be.

Tag: monthly

Flow: Month Two

I think the most important thing about February was that I gave in and, schedule-wise, went with the flow. There was no week that went the same way, Mercury was retrograde, I was hibernating and exhausted, the weather was hot or rainy. We were busy.

It was an odd month for sure and I’m glad it was short.

There were two highlights of the month: learning to rock climb and my 30th birthday.

Rock climbing  is now something H and I do together, at least once a week. We’re still learning, trying different indoor gyms and have yet to climb outside. I’m addicted. H even bought me a harness for my birthday!

My birthday was also wonderful. We went out of town for a ski trip and the next weekend celebrated with a dinner. It was awesome to get some much love the day of and also to feel the fog was lifted and I was back to my self, even if that self was now a year older.

I slept in some, acknowledging that the lack of sunlight in the mornings makes it harder to rise. (Just noticed how bright it was when this morning’s alarm went off – and also realizing Daylight Savings time starts this weekend so it’ll be back to dark in the morning).

We’ve been (binge) watching House of Cards, The Walking Dead and seen a few 3+ hour movies. We saw the Flyers play the Kings at Staples Center. We were both sick for over two weeks with some weird cold that wouldn’t leave. I read The Goldfinch. I cut way back on my alcohol consumption. Not sure I see a difference yet, but I certainly don’t feel worse.

I had more meetings than I possibly could’ve ever wanted, a some frustrations with work, but they all just led me back to the same idea again and again: I have to put my own creativity, my own work, first.

While I forgot about flow a bunch over the weeks, I also noticed it pop up in moments. Like in the pure thrill of a cancelled meeting or the perfect timing of thinking I’m late but it all working out. It seems that life does have an order to it, and if I’m not too busy trying to drive my own order with how things should be, then life shows up and gives me a much grander adventure.

This month was about resting, tucking in and refilling the reserves. I think I accomplished that. And in the past week I’ve found my energy coming back, my drive revving up, ideas flowing again. Ready to move and live this new (astrological) year.

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Flow: Month One

Looking back over January, I have one word for myself: proud.

I’m proud that I managed my anxiety with four major events in 21 days, kept up my workload, gave myself space when I needed it and listened to my intuition.

There was the upswing of anxiety with events – planning, preparing, all hurry-up-and-wait.

There was plunging exhaustion with so much adrenaline coursing through me I only slept 8 hours in 2 days.

There was the serendipity of being asked, “What are you proud of?” the day after the last event played off.

That night, getting coconut milk ice cream with these ladies, I experienced a deja vu, only to have the store clerk say “That means you’re on the right path.”

There was Heidi’s advice via Instagram: “lots of deep breathing to help slow your body down. Generous amounts of kindness and compassion for yourself especially in recounting the event and your delivery of it. Listen to your body and do your best to give yourself permission to give it what it needs most. Hang in, Justine. You have a great sense of awareness around your HSP so I trust you will know what you need. 🙂 …the tears are a great sign that you are releasing. The more you can give into them, allow for them, and not judge them, the more peace you will find. Be gentle with your process.”

I gave into the tears, so hot and heaving one morning, I thought they wouldn’t end. And I was gentle.

I shared on Facebook:
This weekend I was the gal in the arena “who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if (s)he fails, at least fails while daring greatly”

I had almost 500 people show up to one event. We had 3 events total. I leaned heavily on my coworkers & husband. I didn’t sleep. I took good care of myself. I laughed with people and almost cried under pressure. Then actually cried in the shower. I chose green juice and then downed margaritas. I answered email from bed, walked the beach and checked Instagram too many times. I was focused, scattered, grateful, pissed and everything in between.

Risk requires vulnerability and vulnerability requires trust & love & really good people in the arena with you. The critics don’t count b/c their not even in the game. Remember that. xo

And then I posted this: Brene Brown – Listening To Shame

I drank too much (again) and took naps at 5pm in the afternoon. I did a ton of work and then soaked in a hot tub. Twice. H and I went to San Diego for a night. I hiked during the day and checked email late at night. I swam in the ocean. I went out on runs with Carter and then took over a week off from exercise because of a terrible cold. And stress.

I started pulling tarot cards – tuning into whatever magic the Universe whispers through signs. I pulled the Eight of Pentacles (focusing on the task) and The World (fulfillment of a grand project) multiple times. It’s become a morning ritual.

Somehow, it is what we’d call a “net win” – coming out at the end of January feeling confident in myself, trusting and moving along with whatever reality brought me.

It truly felt like a month of ebb and flow, week to week, day to day, even hour to hour.

And I was determined to not put my living on hold while I was awash in the anxieties of these work pressures, and I succeeded. I asked for help and received it. I was open to whatever came my way. I risked and was rewarded.

I think I grew more this past month than in other month’s combine. And I’m proud. I went with the flow. I was the girl in the arena. And I dared greatly.

Monthly Nutshell: July 2013

 

Oh July, you were just what I hoped you’d be… my favorite month again. I’m finally feeling better – woooooo-hooooo! I’m thinking the July 4th weekend, and some major quality time with the hubs, are the main reasons.

Especially enjoyed our one year of marriage on 7/7/13. Celebrating it. Reflecting on it.

Sinking into my love of SoCal. Being obsessed with a few things (including the entire Battlestar Galactica series #cantstopwontstop). Seeing the Great Gatsby, changing my routine up to be out the door with Carter early, and taking on a yoga challenge that proved gooooooood for my soul.

Eating s’mores and home-grown basil and tomato.

Carter was a tad upset about the new furniture, but we’re loving it. Spent Sundays in such a good way – at the beach, at the marina.

I made my first scrapbook layout EVER and thought about what I want out of this hobby. And I had a major break-through in my own peace of mind.

We closed out the month with our annual river trip with friends.

Thank you July for all of your magic xo

Monthly Nutshell: June 2013

Boy ‘o boy, do I feel like this past month beat me into submission. Hence not many posts. But then there were lots of posts, thanks to the idea of an editorial calendar (found via Ann-Marie‘s blog, which I am so digging). Like, duh, why didn’t I think of this sooner?! But now that I have, any idea posts go straight into Google calendar and when I have the urge to write, the ideas are all there – both guiding and motivating me, FTW!

So, yeah, June you weren’t the easiest month, but I guess that’s just how these things go.

I remember welcoming you in – and even that day felt a little blah.

We set up the patio garden, finally. And saw a few tiny tomatoes coming in.

There was routine and welcoming summer early.

My parents visited LA – their first trip with all three of us kids living here in SoCal now.

H and I bought new furniture after a raucous day out with friends drinking mimosas. Much to Carter’s dismay, the old furniture was put out on the curb for free.

I tagged along with H to work a few times, up super early to be in Malibu by 8am. This changed up my routine and gave me some much needed ocean communing time (see photo above).

Posted an update about my hair cut, which I am still on the fence about.

Bowled the high score of my life, which included a turkey!

Thought about and posted a Summer Manifesto. Plan to update that as the weeks go on.

And I participated in Day In The Life, which helped me reconcile a few things again. Emotions always churning, life always moving along…

How was your month?? xo

Welcoming June 2013

Monthly Nutshell – May 2013

 

This month was kind of a bitch – naht gonna lie. Surprised I even got 14 posts up. There was pretty cool stuff too, so I guess it wasn’t that bad. Could be worse… could always be worse 🙂

But the month did start really shitty. And it’s really all we can ask of ourselves.

Then I felt better. I thought about kindness, especially self-kindness.  And I cleaned the house. We received tickets to a concert (thanks to my sister again!) And snails started appearing, telling me to go slowly. I can’t believe I only posted one snail photo, because I definitely took more than 10.

We put offers in on two houses. I didn’t blog about this. The signs were there though. You can’t beat a black and white photo of Carter Cash.

And then it was Mother’s Day. I wrote my mom this post, even though no one in my family reads my blog (yet – hoping to change that soon). And after more stress of house hunting, H and I hit the beach, as you do.

For some reason, I cleaned more, and then chained myself to my desk for end-of-the-fiscal-year data entry. Carter was not pleased with how boring our days were.

We spent a full day in the sun for the Doheny Blues Festival.

And then, I cut my hair off!

Monthly Nutshell – February 2013

The shortest month and yet, the longest month. The I-can’t-believe-I-live-here-and-wear-flip-flops month. My birthday month.

Carter was sick.

We hosted our own Superbowl party of 3.

In a rousing coffee hang with a friend. I named my need for indulgence. (Just writing that now makes me feel giddy and guilty at the same time).

My feelings of absolute shit peaked. Or more so, hit bottom.

Took a day off from work…and asked for help.

Started reading Imajica and I love it.

Listened to a podcast about bliss and started to feel better. It was encouraging.

We celebrated 7 months and 7 days on Valentine’s day. I sent everyone hedgehogs.

We accidentally hiked 11 miles.

We celebrated valentine’s day with a scavenger hunt, drinks and Mexican food. H made heart-shaped pancakes.

Met another friend for lunch and then went to her house for dinner, where I ate the craziest carrot cake ever.

I turned twenty-nine. Happy Birthday. And had the most amazing night with our friends since our wedding.

For my own birthday gift, I hired a stylist and threw out a ton of old clothing.

My sister accepted a job at Menchie’s. I finally felt better, basking in the sun. And we played the Imagine Dragons record on loop.

Monthly Nutshell – January 2013

Well, January was quite the introduction to 2013, no?
Here’s my month is a nutshell in case you missed anything.

…said Thank you to 2012 and Welcome to 2013

…wrote nothing is wrong with you, which was more about me telling myself, nothing is wrong with me.

… hiked with my sister (back from her road trip) and we got some epic (puppy) photos.

…(we) celebrated 6 months of marriage. Here’s what I’ve learned so far.

Ease found me.

…tried an e-course that isn’t working for me, but I’m saving the emails b/c I think it will soon.

Carter found himself some freedom, accidentally and on purpose.

…read almost three books, experienced a terrible hangover and made pancakes here.

…started my Project Life pages.

…felt impermanence and rituals and time.

…spent time with friends. We experienced a killer of a Monday holiday, up at 5am.

…ran 5 events in 4 days. Then it was done. I practiced self-care. Cafe Gratitude came into my life. I rested some more. There is always an ebb and flow.

…participated in the cultivating courage e-course by Andrea Scher.