Allowing Myself

…to feel, to love, to be.

Tag: motherhood

Piqued

Los Angeles’ best small venues to catch music in.

Jill on trusting in basic goodness:

I am already whole, all of us are — this is basic goodness. I am not a problem to be fixed, or a project to take on, and neither are you, nor anyone else. You are not — no matter what advertising, religion, culture, or that little meanie with sharp teeth that lives in the dark might say – you are not basically bad, you are not unworthy or unlovable.

Lindsey on Parenting as an introvert / Parenting as an extrovert – knowing that my introversion affected the dynamic within my nuclear family growing up, and is something I navigate often within my relationship with my sister now as adults, I am keenly aware this will continue to be part of who I am as a mother:

My introversion and natural shyness surely means many things for my children, good and bad. I worry that the bad outweighs the good, that my lack of outgoingness and my struggle to include other people in our life sacrifices something important for them. All I can do, though, is be the best version of who I know I am. All I can do is swear that I will keep trying to open up—myself, our home, and our family.

The Barefoot Contessa is every piece of Long Island I wish my life could be, wrapped in a clean and calm cooking show. So naturally, I found this drinking game to be hilarious.

Ani Difranco is one of my creative heroes. Reading this interview was like sinking back into my 15 year old self, except that now Difranco is speaking about babies on top of feminism and songwriting. We’ve both come a long way.

Difranco talking about her new album “Allergic To Water” :

Yeah, I mean that sounds like a cool way of interpreting it. I guess my particular way would be that everything that is worthwhile and in fact necessary, what sustains you and gives you life, is also painful. And often the most important things are the most painful. I think the reason I chose that song to title the whole record is because that feeling, I noticed, comes up a lot in the record. It was just that kind of year for me, or couple years.

A tad late, but I am becoming more and more a person who wants to have a spiritual Halloween (or New Years or Valentine’s Day) and be much less about drinking beers in bars. Reading more of thenuminous.net may be the right way in.

My obsession with Jimmy Eat World continues (saw them perform again last week, blog post coming). And if you have an obsession, the Internet is right there with you, helping you along. This candid interview with Jim Adkins is delightful, minus Matt Pinfield’s aggressive chatter.

Piqued

As you know, I launched 30 Days of Dresses this week. Woo! Thanks for all of your comments 🙂

I loved this Complete Guide To Structuring Your Ideal Work Day, especially the idea of brushing your teeth at 2:30pm. While I’m continuously trying to find the right daily and weekly routines that support my energy levels and introversion, this seemed like a great guide for any office worker bees.

Abby Kerr, who ran the INFJ business class I loved (it’s coming back!), has a real knack for linking to amazing posts. Follow her on Twitter.

Abby shared Allie’s post on the care and feeding of new moms. A few of my friends are new(ish) mom and I admit, I had no idea how to help them. And because I love offering help, supporting people and receiving help myself when I’m down in the shit-time of any life change, I felt completely useless as friends to these women. This post will be my reference material now.

Back to introvert’s dreams, here’s a list of things only people who love spending time alone will understand (I think my sister gets credit for texting me this). This is seriously alone-time indulgences and I could spend a month just going through a challenge checking items off this list.

I am loving the National Geographic Your Shot Blog. Animals, nature, culture and gorgeous pics? I’m in.

To follow that up, living off the grid / what people miss about living in the wilderness. This pretty much sums up my broken heart after Alaska.

And finally, Pink Ronnie has reevaluated her blogging / storytelling, shuttered her Pink Ronnie blog and launched The Shoemakers Daughter (tho today the link isn’t working 😦 ) I love her style, story-telling and photography. I would love to take a class with her in person and am book-marking her Life Captured online courses.

That’s it for this weekend. Enjoy xo

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Ths Grateful Season – Ambivalence

I had coaching call with Randi Buckley back in April. I didn’t write about it then. And I’ve been participating in her Maybe Baby course since the start of October. And I haven’t written about it here either.

I have always been ambivalent about motherhood, so much so, that I thought I was on the “no thanks” side of the fence. And then I started to get my shit together, my mom and I healed our relationship, I got married and the hormone switch when ON. Like, blaring fog horn in my body on, which was extremely confusing.

Who did that make me? A slave to my body? A hypocrite? Was I becoming one of “those people” who check off the list of adult accomplishments and after marriage realize the only next step to take is “babies” and they leap off that cliff with no detailed plans?

No, not at all. I am allowed to feel out both the “yes” and “no” and everything in between. The call with Randi 7 months ago allowed me to speak this inkling out loud for the first time… and I got excited, and scared, and nervous all at the same time. What did it all mean?!

Today I practiced feeling out a full-on YES to motherhood. And I realize that my own ability to conquer the world, to know that I can kick ass (even at motherhood) waxes and wanes with my mood. And man, has my mood been mercurial lately. It sucks.

But then I read posts like this and this and this and I know, like Brooke says:

“Sometimes it feels like everyone else is doing it better, you know? Like there’s some secret I’m a little behind in knowing.

I keep hearing There’s no easy answer.
And that seems to be true. It’s even a little of a relief, because maybe I’m not missing anything at all. Maybe it’s just…like this sometimes. And times’ll change and things’ll become easier and definitely the thing to do is to see the small steps, the small positive changes and to continue on as well as possible and to do the best we can.”
And that’s where I am. Still ambivalent – my soul leaning towards a “yes” the way our feet search out warmth under the sheets or our hands massage the puppy’s ears – but at the same time it still feels impossible. How can I handle a child when I break down some days over how filthy the house feels or that I can’t possible fathom the energy for my entire to do list…?
But people do, every day, and life goes on. So, a toast here to the good work Randi does (this woman is so.much.fun to chat with), the good work I’m doing for me and my future and the honesty to know, I need to allow myself to sit in this ambivalence. While it’s not the final answer at all, it is part of my path, and I’m learning to embrace all aspects, even those that are unclear and uncomfortable.

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For the month of November, I write each day about something I’m grateful for and call it Grateful Season. It’s my way of reviewing the amazing year I’ve had and helps me focus on blogging during the crazy holiday season uptick. Feel free to join me – just make sure you let me know!

Side note: to be honest, I feel like I’m coping out on these posts somehow. I wanted to use them as an review of my year, but instead they seem to be just daily posts. Since I invented this series, there is no “wrong” way to do it, but seriously, I was hoping to get a tad more in-depth by now.