Allowing Myself

…to feel, to love, to be.

Tag: passion

Some Days, To Be Present & Breathing

Some days, like yesterday, I relax into this existence. I find I’m enough and there is nothing more to my day but sunshine, long conversations and loving people.

Other days, like today, it’s all I can do to not just go back to bed, for the escape of sleep seems to be the only solution. My old self would prescribe muscling it through, downing a latte and doing something, anything productive. You know, to give me a sense of accomplishment. To show that my day wasn’t wasted. To show that I’m worthy of my tiny heart beating, worthy of the air I breathe.

This new version of me, one that is still developing, like a photograph in the wash, is lost. Old habits die hard. I don’t know exactly what to do to care for myself, but a tiny voice says “Create”. So, I worked on a video and I share this photograph with you.

It reminds me of the depth of passion I have when I allow myself to feel. It says, “Look at how much there is in this life to be awake for, to be present and breathing”. And in my bad mood, in my tension headache and “meh” day…

I’m grateful. I am.

I Just Want To Care

Today was difficult.

This morning as I walked the dog, I could feel the weight of panic press down, all those competing thoughts arguing in my head. After morning pages and some email, I felt better. Then, I caught a mistake. Kind of a huge mistake – one that involved coordinating two other people and a delivery to fix. (Damn you Mercury Retrograde!!) Amazingly, I didn’t panic. I even joked that I should screw up my job more often because putting out this fire took up most of my day. Like, I should create problems just to solve them.

Because I want something that will make me feel important that badly.

I continued on, doing what I could and waiting to address the big blunder. Boyfriend and I skated with the dog over to Jamba Juice for a mid-day snack – perfect break. Later on, I ate lunch and chatted with my sister. All the pieces fell into place and magically crises were averted (so far at least)…and I still felt good.

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