Allowing Myself

…to feel, to love, to be.

Tag: pisces

Happy Birthday To Me

Another year gone by. Another ache to create. Another transition from the depths to the light.

I am not buzzing with words this evening. I wrote this morning, ran my 3 miles with the dog, and worked most of the day. My one meeting was odd, random phone calls came in, I keep pushing through work tasks but nothing seems to get done. Arrived home to dinner cooked by my sister, who also baked me a caramel cake, and a bottle of wine from my husband.

I’m now running 4 loads of laundry.

This is life – and while I panic that I am not doing enough of whatever is it I’m supposed to be doing, all is well. About 25 texts messages came in from people wishing me a happy day, my mom created a slideshow for me (very This Is Your Life), and a crazy amount of Facebook posts came on – I am loved.

And I have to say – after the funk I’ve been in for weeks – it’s nice to know people care. Really leaning on the community support.

It’s good to note this from Cafe Astrology for If Today If Your Birthday

2013 is a Number Two year for you. Ruled by the Moon. This is a year of potential companionship. It is a quiet, gentle, and mostly harmonious year that is less active than other years. Instead, you are more responsive to the needs of others. If you are patient and open yourself up in a gentle manner, you will attract both things and people. This is an excellent year in which to build and develop for the future. Advice – be patient, be receptive, enjoy the peace, collect.

Sounds about right. Fits right in with my 2013 One Little Word word – Becoming.  My mom ordered me a OLW necklace from Liz Lamoreux (my word for 2012 will be hammered into it – “trust” – and I bought myself a feather necklace from the same shop. I have a stylist coming on Saturday to rip through my closet. Tomorrow should be an easy work day.

Happy birthday to me… xo

 

Assignment: Medium-Size “Love To” List

For a super planner like me, addicted to busy-busy-busy, planning a day of absolutely nothing seems like the perfect antidote, luxurious even. If Monday is jam-packed then Tuesday is rest, creating a balance logical to most people.

Turns out, when it comes to free time, I am not most people. This approach is too overwhelming for me (hence yesterday’s mood). And yes, I see the irony is being overwhelmed by too much free time. Apsht.

A few weeks ago, I started making little lists. When the empty space of the day would start to crush my work-a-holic soul, I would jot down simple things that I enjoy and could do with my free time. They became Love To lists (I just made that up. I may change it). This was working, but again, yesterday’s mood was not overthrown. In fact, all day my mind was blank, like I was in a fight or flight panic over WHAT TO DO with my time and I couldn’t think straight enough to even name “Take a bath” or “Read a book”.

Pathetic, I know.

Of course I bring all of this to therapy. And here is where we both decide that if I’m going to to go all CT on this problem’s ass, then “doing nothing” isn’t going to work. I need some type of structure.

My little assignment, which I don’t usually receive b/c that would just feed into my issues, is to list things I enjoy doing to replace the sessions I’ll be missing as my therapist heads for maternity leave. Then, I’ll use some of the $ I’m not spending on sessions to essentially treat myself.

Aka: Me Time. And doesn’t that make the shame gremlins swirl?

It’s like a bigger version of the Love To list I mentioned above and a smaller version of a Life List (too daunting right now). Oh and you know so much crap is coming up around thinking I don’t deserve that time or that I don’t work hard enough to earn that time or that, ahem, I don’t give myself enough credit. All topics I’m sure we’ll be visiting in the near future.

I’m also seeing a connection between this medium-sized task, the pull to draw inward during this Pisces vibe and the possibility of doing the Artist’s Way during that chunk of time I’m off of therapy. All the ideas point to “Take care of yourself” and “Create“.

I’m trying – I’m blogging more, trying to listen to my body, and now I’m drawing (some of my doodles are in this post). It feels right to grow in this direction. Even my horoscope says:

Artistic activities or those involving healing are enhanced today, Pisces. Whatever you try is going to be more a part of your very being than it would be at other times. Love, art, psychic or spiritual activities – all should take on a new meaning for you at this time. This condition should last for a long time. Make the most of this energy now and your skills should continue to grow.

And my new mantra, also courtesy of my horoscope:

Change does not have to be intense and traumatic –

but it does take work.

Birthday Intention

Happy birthday to me! 2.21 – my very special number.

By the time I realized, it was too late in the week to plan anything official. On a whim we ended up at the Library Alehouse (loved this place) Friday night, Hals Bar & Grill Saturday and a house party for game night Sunday. We took full advantage of the 3-day weekend with drinking, napping, running errands and cleaning.

The whole weekend was low key, but the celebrations felt fluid. No panic to plan anything, really no drive to make a big deal. Friends had our waiter bring dessert with a candle, another friend had cheesecake for me. They sang and I blew the candles out, not sure what to wish for, but grateful to have friends, have love and be in good health.

I don’t have any big words for what this birthday means for me. This past year was huge – while I wanted so much, I didn’t expect it. Facing the next 12 months is too much. I’m focused on smaller time-lines. I’m interested to see where the next 4 weeks take me as planets move through Pisces. Waiting to see how things play out as they shift and change.

Fingers crossed that things get rolling before Mercury Retrogrades in March. So much is happening in that period of March to May. No therapy, two major events, work changing, parental visits, some home decorating and a possible trip. Basically, life, but y’know, scary for a planner like me. So much uncertainty.

As I wrote here, I’m thinking it’s important to concentrate on creating – giving myself the space and permission to do whatever art I want. Luckily, I found Karen Walrond at the perfect time (last week) and she shares a bunch about (art) journaling. And that brings me to a new inspiration – ZENTANGLE. I’ll have more to share about this soon, but you can see some in action here.

Doodling with repetitive patterns. Coloring in little drawings. Pen and paper are the only requirements. It’s soothing, calms my mind and just feels good. I.love.it.

My new intention is to concentrate on creating. This requires my word of the year: “presence“. With the current Pisces vibe I know it’s the perfect time to pull inward, but I also know I’ll be pulled outward. I’m learning balance. Working with the anxiety that will come up will be the hardest part. Creating should help with this. I’m also contemplating doing the Artist’s Way again starting in March. We’ll see. Just trying to really listen to myself now, and learn.

Full Moon in Aries ~ October Dreamboard

I’ve been wanting to participate in Jamie Ridler’s Full Moon Dreamboards for a while now. This month’s invite is luxury – “not something expensive… just something beyond what you require”. Letting my intuition guide me, I pulled some remarkably similar colors and threads of themes.

The first, Connections, suggests the tension between the Libra sun (also my ascendant) and the Aries moon. Libra rules relationships (literally connections) while Aries rules the Self. With my recent ah-ha moments about my own creative history and activities I’d like to indulge in (like collaging) this speaks volumes. Connections, comfort zone, life being an open door, the stories of our lives and living on the page. There is an activity here – fiery, bright colors that look oh-so-bold. An Aries version of luxury.

The tension between relationships & self

 

The second collage, Star Power, is calm, sparkling, magical – the shimmery Libra side of luxury. Libra splendor through the filter of a Pisces.

Libra luxury for a dreamy Pisces

I’m not sure what these mean exactly, but the feelings they evoke for me is powerful. It’s not just that making collages is something that I used to do all of the time to express myself – and it’s been years since the last one – but that the past weeks have held a lot of emotions and ah-ha moments. I’m delighted to see it all come out in these dreamboards.

There’s hope here, and power. There’s beauty and simplicity and energy.

With my menstrual cycle lining up with the full moon, and my want to be more present, I tried to really listen to myself and to honor all the emotions and physical feelings both a hormonal cycle and a moon cycle dredge up.

I think I’m finally starting to listen to myself. To hear my own voice.

 

Spine

(I began this yesterday but wasn’t able to finish till today…)

I am so bendable, so flexible in my ways. Just want to please.

Today could be deemed perfect. It’s an autonomous day with a little work and time for writing. I’m running a major event this evening, but it’s something I’ve done before. Rain still falls, as does the temperature. It’s a sweater and boots day, a tea and scarf day, a lounge in bed isn’t-it-perfect (?!) day.

I am alone, but not lonely. That alone is a huge improvement.

Today is DreamLab they ask us to share where we’re being asked to be brave right now. (The distinction between the asking to be brave and actually being it is the difference between being yourself and perfection – love it).

I am a Pisces represented by the fish. Two fish, actually, swimming in opposite directions. So not only do I have the fluidity to go with the flow and the strength to swim upstream, there is a tension to keep these two in balance.

“Spineless” comes to mind when thinking about sea creatures. “Spineless” can also mean “weak willed” or “cowardly”. Me as a little fish. Two opposing fish. Feel the connections?

So when you ask me – What am I being asked to be brave about right now? – I’m unsure. As I tried to tune into that little voice, I worried that I confuse “courage” with “acceptance”. But the Serenity Prayer contains both (see below for the full version). I’m always amazed how small ideas become intertwined to form ropes of support. I am bendable and that is so much better than breakable or inflexible. What I want to focus on is being 100% OK when I bend. I don’t want to feel uncertain about my intentions. The reasons to yield should be love and support and not people pleasing and fear (as they sometimes are).

And so, my list. I am being asked to be brave about:

  • Not knowing if I’m in the right place with my career or where I live or anything really. AKA to be courageous in that unknowing.
  • Having absolutely no control, and yet all of the passion, for something that no one else gives a crap about
  • The argument between wanting the homelife and being a nomad
  • That I can put my needs first and still be loved
  • To move into a new stage in my relationship and be ever-present
  • To be brave enough to establish and uphold boundaries. To stay when things feel right and not stick it out when they feel wrong. It’s OK to quit.
God, grant us the…
Serenity to accept things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.