Allowing Myself

…to feel, to love, to be.

Tag: Podcast

Recently (February 2015)

finishing editing meeting minutes for a big deal meeting. this is much harder than I anticipated.

rolling with doing work when I have the energy, ignoring time and day of the week

going to so.many.places, starting with Austin next week.

updating the blog, moving it to a new home with a new look. Stay tuned!

watching Fargo (my Martin Freeman crush is deep). Walking Dead. Hockey. Can’t wait to binge-watch House of Cards.

reading Station 11. Just finished The Bone Clocks and Me Talk Pretty One Day.

remembering being read to as a kid, especially Charlotte’s Web at school and Little Women by my grandmother at home.

quitting alcohol, going on 3 weeks

thinking about creating a podcast

celebrating my birthday

loving H’s support, and how he’s obsessed with listening to a book on tape.

drinking hot chocolate with coffee

dreaming of babies #notpregnant

wearing a random assortment of pajama-like clothing

missing Stephanie

listening to Book Riot, Raise Your Hand Say Yes, Dabbles vs Doers and the Nerdist podcasts.

planning many, many trips

embracing the next few months are not what I thought they’d be, including 6 flights, but it should all still be pretty awesome.

spending less money, despite said trip planning travels.

wishing I could read in the bathtub all day, everyday. Actually, wishing for a better tub in general. (Birthday gift?)

feeling grateful this post-event season feels easier than other years

obsessed with Marcel The Shell With Shoes On (you’re welcome)

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Just back from a weekend in Vegas and wanted to drop a quick line to say hello.

After the emotional chaos of a few weeks ago, work events and busyness (not to mention Mercury Retrograde) this week is quiet coming, and I am thankful for that.

The pic of above is from our hotel room early in the morning on Saturday. We stayed at The Paris and traveled in to celebrate my dad’s 60th birthday and my parent’s 33rd wedding anniversary. Amazing milestones, to say the least.

As someone who is embracing being a highly-sensitive person, Vegas is.so.naht.my.place. but with those milestone celebrations, I couldn’t say no. So H and I packed up the car, drove the 6hrs each way and spent the weekend eating, drinking and gambling with my family.

And while I would rather have been out in the desert, out where those clouds touched the mountains, it’s always good to have the whole family (plus our significant others now) all together at one time.

This week is quiet as far as work / social commitments go, but we’re in for another eclipse and things pick up again for me in about 10 days, so I’m going to use this week to downshift a bit. I’m still continuing the #30daysofdresses challenge. Been wearing a dress almost every single day, just going to find some time tonight to write up the posts.

If you’re looking for something cool to listen to this week, check out the Back To work podcast where David Sparks guest appears. I loved hearing him speak about executing projects, balancing all of the things he’s into and his presentations field guide (which I plan on pick up). So yeah, dig around in that if you’re looking for some inspiration.

Have a great week xo

Recently (September 2014)

finishing my Alaska travel journal & organizing 500+ photos from the trip

rolling with the projects I’d like to work on for myself

going to the office a lot more now that I have a temp to help with things

becoming more fit with HIIT

watching The Leftovers

reading The Giver (first time since I was 12…? Was first published 20 years ago. Undecided if I want to read the other 3 books in the series)

remembering the importance of this date

quitting complaining about work. #notworthit

thinking about growing my hair a little longer

celebrating the fact that we have ~6 weekends in a row with no major plans

loving the new perspective I have post-Alaska

eating a lot more salads, and less food in general

dreaming of owning my own business

wearing dresses and gym clothes – the heat is getting to me

missing Autumn like woah – sweaters, darker days, crisp air and changing seasons

listening to a bunch of Paperclipping Roundtable episodes in a row (loved ep 216), Elise’s podcast & random Spotify playlists

planning our finances, sort of

working on embracing my inner hippy – full moon, tarot cards & spirit animals

trying to spend less money

wishing for clothing in mustard yellow & peacock teal… and cooler temperatures

feeling a bit more self-assured

obsessed with battling the flea problem – they must die!

Not Responsible For Other People’s Success

We know that I care a lot about self-care. That self-care seems to be the best way for me to make myself happy, to have enough energy to deal, to feel my feelings and to be present in my days. I think a lot about how, when my reserves are low, I feel like a screaming 4 year old. And if my reserves are high, I feel like Superwoman.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been dealing with anxiety. It’s coming from feeling really out of control with my salaried job and from not having enough down time, even with vacation.

I’ve spent the past 6+ months feeling like “life is steam-rolling me and going with the flow is gonna get me sucked out to sea.” And I wrote about wanting to make a change. To create boundaries and understand what my priorities are, instead of just going with the next thing…and the next thing… and the next thing.

It seems that, to dig out from the back log, to create space, to feel in control, I needed a new tool.

So, I’ve started saying No.

It began with the hand-to-heart practice that Heidi taught me. That little action began to give me pause.

Then, I decided to clear my meetings for the next few weeks. Meetings take up tons of energy for this introvert, they suck up time and create even more work. I needed a buffer. I needed to go through the back-log from months of chaos. I needed to feel relieved and focused when I woke up, not dread.

Then, I listened to Tiffany Han on Elise’s podcast (episode 17) where she speaks about taking a social media break, being bored, and saying no.

“You are not responsible for the success of anyone else’s business endeavor…people need to be strict preserves of their sanity, because no one else is going to look out for you. Cuz no one else cares that much, honestly. We’re all trying to do our own thing.”

What?!

I am not responsible for other people’s success?

Of course I’ve heard this before, but for some reason, Tiffany’s no bullshit attitude coming through my headphones was like a sermon. I felt the grace of good advice run through me.

Because that’s how I feel. Often. That I am responsible for everything. And to start saying no, to separate myself from other people’s needs, to create some space to think about how I feel and what I want – this has felt like a game changer.

So, I said no.
No, I don’t want to go to Six Flags.
I don’t want to leave my apartment.
I don’t want to cook tonight.
I don’t want to host that event that maybe only 10 people will show up to.
I don’t want to stay up late.
I don’t want a glass of wine.
I don’t want to travel for work right now.
I don’t want to meet up on a Saturday.
I don’t want to go on a 10m hike.

These things are all awesome in the general context of life. I am not turning down bad things, if anything, I am saying no to things that seam unreasonable to say no to. But, it has to be done.

Because each time I said no to one of these items, I created space for downtime, for refueling, for quiet.

(We know, I need so much downtime to function.)

But also, each time I said no, I was able to say yes to something awesome too. Going to the beach for lunch, going for a run alone, meeting a friend for coffee, spending time with H, working on a cool project, blogging, reading. Or doing nothing. Things that refuel my reserves. Things that I deem worthy of my time. Things that matter to me.

So – as the deep summer is upon us – I encourage you to say “no” to something this week. Open up some space in your life. Maybe it’s something you hate, or something you said yes to once before and now feel obligated to keep it up. Maybe it’s something where the other person will be disappointed or you’ll feel guilty. Go listen to that podcast and try out that two-letter word. No.

Because you are not responsible for the success of anyone else.

You can be selfish, in the very best way. You can say No.

Piqued

Missed 2 weeks there due to my parents being in town + crappy wifi at the vacation house. The week went fast – H was down with a stomach bug and we were just coming back from family vacation and celebrating our two year anniversary. This is the first weekend in weeks where we are not scheduled by the hour and I plan on loving every empty minute of it.

My sister is a big Colbie Caillat fan. I feel a tad jealous that someone can have the looks + the voice + the songwriting skills etc buuuuuttttt I do love this story and new video: Colbie Caillat Is Tired of Being Photoshopped: Here’s What She Did About It

And if you’re into cute music videos that totally rock pop culture / hot topics by female singers who are great role models, watch Sara Bareilles help these kids get engaged:  

“To become a runner you must run. There is no other way.” – Hannah Marcotti’s post On Becoming A Runner.

Found Kyla Roma via Instagram (isn’t she the cutest??) and am loving reading through her posts and her Podcast Recommendations, but the most important thing is that she just adopted a HEDGEHOGI die.

Speaking of podcasts, listening to Tiffany Han on Elise’s podcast this week was just what I needed to hear  – Saying No to Say Yes (podcast will play in window). If I’m going to really own my time, if I’m going to prioritize what I want to do, I need to say “No” 100x more often. And remind myself that I am not responsible for anyone else but me. (Why is this so hard?!)

And this also helps, Born Hatin’: Why Some People Dislike Everything – b/c while I have a critical eye, I’m learning that there are just people who flip the f-out when presented with a new idea. More and more I feel if you’re not presenting a different idea or approach, if your criticism is not coming from a place of making an idea better, but instead to just keep us from trying something new, I have no time for you.

xo

Piqued

This week was rough. Some combination of exhaustion + pms + work events left me napping almost every afternoon, relying on friends, and in tears a few of the days. (Yes, even though I don’t feel like I’m being punched anymore, I still have bad days). Still, I stumbled upon some cool, share-worthy items out in the internets, and I post them below for your reading pleasure.

Happy solstice!

Each body mitten is hand-knitted by celibate Virgos using hypo-allergenic squirrel wool inter-woven with strands of unicorn hair that were marinated in lavender oil infused with emerald powder.

Hahaha. So funny.

You may know Mercury is retrograde (and if you have felt completely crazy the past 2+ weeks, this could be why). The Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten could be just the answer! This tongue-in-cheek post went viral and the author writes a response to its popularity here – Smitten By The Mitten.

I don’t watch The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon but H found the Ragtime Gals, Jimmy’s barbershop quartet segments (I know, I know. I’m always late to the barbershop quartet parties) and I about died laughing. I love that Fallon loves music and brings it into so much of his comedy. Watch him sing Talk Dirty To Me with Kevin Spacey. His show also features these epic lip-syncing battles – see Emma Stone win here.

I love the Internet, and this link is exactly why – Know Your Meme, y’know, just in case you didn’t.

There’s this literary map to end all literary maps. And a guide to Literary L.A.

Our favorite diner, Pepy’s Galley, is closing. ::hysterically crying emoji:: They’re being kicked out by new building owners who plan to renovate the attached bowling alley – but all our neighborhood sees is the loss of a 40 year old west LA landmark. The (breakfast) food is delish, it’s the best coffee I’ve ever had, the staff is speedy and it’s cash only. H and I love to eat at the bar and watch the bustle of the back counter… it’s part of our weekending, where we usually get into our longest conversation-sans-electronics in a week. While there are petitions to save or relocate the restaurant, it doesn’t look good.

I listened to The Lively Show podcast featuring Esme Wang while I walked 3m around Boston last week. I love Esme’s idea of radical sincerity, and even though I read her book, it wasn’t until I heard her speak about it on the podcast that I truly understood what she meant. Radical sincerity is NOT radical honesty, but instead “a conversation about authenticity and vulnerability”. Take a listen and/or peruse around her site – it’s gorgeous & full of elegant, powerful writing.

And, even though I am sooooooo not following the World Cup, this longer read by my Stef’s boyfriend, Carlos Foglia, delighted me. My Father is My Most Unforgettable World Cup Memory.

Visit my other Piqued posts here.

500th Time of Allowing Myself

Carter and I this morning during our bike ride.

What I want to tell you is this is my 500th post, and at such a milestone, I wanted to celebrate the way that bloggers do…

But I’m realizing more and more how much hustling goes on online, with word-count limits, bullet lists and productivity tricks. I mean, I knew I was avoiding that type of space, but it’s only in the past few months I’m thinking about actually creating this space, fleshing it out with my own experience and inviting you to share yours.

So instead of a give-away, top 10 list or guest posting all over the interwebs, I am here, doing my usual thing. Sharing stuff about life.

I hosted a work event last night – it went as perfectly as an annual event can, with the help of lovely volunteers and the weather knocking down the RSVP list (this is a good thing). And even though I rested beforehand and didn’t have much on my plate today, even though I had volunteers and nothing crazy happened, even though I was home and in bed before midnight and didn’t drink a single sip of alcohol – I woke up today feeling totally wiped out.

This almost always happens. The effort of planning, executing and keeping myself calm for the weeks prior and during the hours of an event, lead to some crazy post-event hangover.

I think it’s a pressure thing. I’m learning in my INFJ business class how my type is prone to over-achieving and over-extending… not to mention perfectionism.

And in honor of my INFJ-ness, I went for self-care today, but it seemed I felt worse as I tried a myriad of things: working, running errands, reading, and finally napping. Somehow even napping made me feel worse. I mean, come on.

It’s only hours later, after a walk outside in the chilly air, two Advil, a mug of hot tea, and a heat pack on my neck that I’m feeling able to do anything. Sitting here & writing is a major step up from the tears that leaked out while I changed the bed sheets.

It’s posts like Dream Time by Elizabeth that remind me it’s OK to have days like this (serendipity has her using Van Morrison too hah). It’s listening to this podcast again, Jen Lee speaking with Michael Nobbs, that remind me it’s OK to not be able to get too much done. It’s this episode of Creative Living with Jamie where they speak about honoring seasons and experiencing winter… and it’s me trying to remember where I am in the moon cycle, as maybe that’s what’s to blame for all of this.

I know a good night’s sleep will help. I know this is only temporary. And I know my body & emotions process things in ways my mind doesn’t understand… so it’s only fitting that my 500th blog post is really just me circling all of these resources and lessons again – and allowing myself to be.

xo

Pop Culture Much?

Well – hello again.

Technically, work’s been super quiet, and I’m taking advantage. BUT I’m really just stock-piling reserves for the craziness that is the end of January string of events. Not to mention most of 2014 being blocked out already. Found out a venue we usually use is booked (FML) so I’m searching for a new option. There’s a bit more drama there, but it’s a total waste of energy to bring it into this space.

I am loving my new iPhone because of the PicTapGo app (see photo above for example). The “lights on” filter basically gives you the look of more light on any photo, plus it tracks the filters you use most frequently. Like, I have a style. Go figure.

And speaking of style – check out this hotness: 5 Days of Dresses by Hell of High Fashion. Jess is the gal who styled me back in February (happy bday to myself) and I’ve been in love with my closet ever since. Gotta do a post soon on the new outfits I purchased a few weeks ago. All I am gonna say is YAY NAVY.

Been talk talk talking about ideas for this little space, my own career and magic in general… conversations with friends, colleagues and lots of cool people. Like the few coffee meetings with Max of Shmedia Media who wrote out a little plan-of-action for me to make on move. First of which involves getting a Pinterest account. Because I need another internet rabbit hole to dive down… but when a guy who knows social media say “You are the reason Pinterest exist” one shuts her mouth and creates an account. More TBD.

We’re almost done with Orange Is The New Black. It’s awesome. Go watch it. The End.

I finally connected my love of Chris Hardwick to the downloading of The Nerdist podcast and my head basically exploded. This podcast is the epitome of everything I care about: art, creating, pulling the curtain back, interviews, real conversations and pop culture (minus deep nerd culture).

Blasting music by Haim and Lucius‘ new record Wildewoman.

And I’m reading The Book Thief and going to see Catching Fire tomorrow with my sister – so if anyone ever says I’m not into pop-culture enough, please remind me to send them this post.

happy weekending.

 

 

 

 

If Nothing Is Permanent, Then Anything Is Possible

If nothing is permanent than anything is possible.

This concept came to me via the podcast How She Really Does It where Koren Motekaitis interviewed Kelly Rae Roberts. Kelly Rae was exactly my age when two major things came into her life – a running program for a 1/2 marathon and being swept up in art making. At the time she was a social worker, burning out on the job and in the past 7 years has left that career for one where she is a full-time artist.

Now I know there’s no silver bullet, but don’t you think that’s interesting the Universe popped that podcast into my ears this week?

Because I’ve been thinking about my job and my life. I am feeling like I’ve grown too big, like my shell is too tight and it’s time to find a new home. Like I want to do something new. And I feel like I’m suffering from “impostor syndrome“. Did I dupe everybody? How could I want to move on from a job that I basically fell into? Do I ever deserve this gig? And aren’t I being horribly ungrateful to look this gift horse in the mouth…?

I mean, the pay, the flexibility and the network I’ve built – that would be a lot to give away to start over. Starting to feel a scarcity approach from myself – like I need to hold on to this position in almost a desperate way, because what else would ever beat it? What if it disappears?

At the retreat, someone mentioned that that you can grow up (bigger) or down (deeper). I’d never heard it put this way, but it resonated with the images I had for my year – that I not only wanted to grow tall like a tree, but I wanted to grow roots, a solid foundation.

Then a colleague called me up with an idea for responsibilities I could take off his plate. Responsibilities that could expand my role. And I thought up a very simple series I could create to spotlight my clients, which I started on today.

So, maybe it’s not about going bigger but deeper.

And as Kelly Rae said in the podcast – if nothing is permanent, then anything is possible.

Have you ever thought about growing *down*? Is there a place in your life you’ve gone deeper instead of bigger?

Failure To Launch

My job is really up to me. It used to be because I work remotely, because the original person who hired me left, because no one really understands what my job should be within a department 3,000 miles away. But I’m proactive and I’ve taken it upon myself to make my job productive and useful.And so far, everyone is happy with what I’m doing.

For this calendar year, I’ve decided to work on two major projects – both of which are challenging and interesting. Their success should expand and refine my position as I move forward.

During my trip to Boston, one of these projects came to a head. There were meetings and decisions to be made. A pilot program was launched, data measured, presentations given.

And then? Nothing.

It’s been really trying the last few weeks to watch something I’ve put a lot of energy into not receive any sort of response. Worse off – the decisions for the next phase stalled. Everyone suggests more research, meetings, discussions, more crap, really… And it’s completely discouraging.

So I was carrying around that discouragement and a whole lot of other drama from being on site a few weeks ago.
And I knew I needed to reconcile all of this for myself, but I didn’t know how. Was I going to have to Byron-Katie-this or would something shift my perspective?

If I’ve learned anything from my personal growth over the past few years it’s this – I am responsible for dealing with my own shit storms. I needed a way to reconcile, talk myself out of this, or box it up and put it on a shelf.

And, like always, I was listening to a podcast while out on a run with the dog – and things started to click.

Merlin Mann & Brett Terpstra discussed failure, the different types, how it all feels, etc. It made me break down the whole experience:

The actual goal we had for this project within this timeline = failure.
The actual goals we had for this project for OURSELVES = total win. Awesomesauce all of the way.

That’s what I needed to separate for myself.

Acknowledge – yes – it is a failure on this level. But that, Y-E-S it was a success on another. And the parts I have control over? Success all the way. Everything else I don’t have any real say in – the rest is up to someone else.

I’ve reached acceptance for how things are. It allows me to move on to the next thing, try something else, put my energy where my work actually is. And this whole process taught me more about myself, my interest in projects, my tolerance for change and the type of work situations I want to be in more often.

And that, in itself, is a success.

You can listen to the entire podcast on the 5by5 Network.