Allowing Myself

…to feel, to love, to be.

Tag: productive

Piqued

Had a super productive week both at work and home because I am traveling a bunch in the next 2 weeks. By the time you read this, I’ll be in Denver visiting my friend Chelsea, where apparently it’s going to be a low of 14*. I’ve packed 3 sweaters and my puffy down “sleeping-bag” coat to keep me warm while we bike, eat, drink tea, and spend mucho quality time together.

Ah, the dark, dark nostalgia. Hey Arnold! characters all grown up.

This tweet.

And also my Twitter conversation with Yvette Nicole Brown where we chatted about the Serial podcast. She is my favorite guest on the Talking Dead (she has pages of notes about each episode).

OMG the Serial podcast. Hoping to write a longer post on this eventually, but I am loving the narrative form, the voices, the music. I don’t care so much about the who-done-it as much as the storytelling process in the series. The Slate Serial Spoiler Special is the podcast-about-the-podcast and a critical discussion about both the unfolding of the reporting and the way it’s being reported. So meta.

New moon in Sagittarius today – the questing sign.

I share Elizabeth Gilbert’s Facebook statuses (stati?) a few times a week. I love her updates, her words, her take on life.

We saw Interstellar last weekend (I liked it, was glad we saw it in the theater too) so of course I am drawn to stories about people’s experiences in space – An Astronaut Reveals What Life In Space Is Really Like.

On the last two nights of my final flight, I slept on the flight deck, my sleeping bag strapped beneath the overhead windows. The position of the shuttle put Earth in those windows, so when I woke up the whole world was out there in front of me—in that moment, just for me alone.

And cuz I’m not one to miss a list: The Top 10 Mistakes in Behaviour Change (and How to Avoid Them). My favorite is mistake #4 “Trying to Stop Old Behaviors Instead of Creating New Ones”. This def works for me. I like how he included further reading links.

And on that note – Can Absence Make The Mind Grow Fonder. I’ve found when I stop consuming something (purchasing clothes, drinking alcohol, eating Oreos, posting on Twitter etc) I don’t miss it. Yes, there’s the initial moment of going for the thing and realizing it’s not there (or I made a choice to avoid it) but then after even a few short days, it’s like, whatever. I do agree on the substitution part, which supports what I liked about mistake #4 in the above paragraph.

Have a great weekend xo

Keep On Trusting

Today started out well enough. I took a long walk with the doggie, got ready for work, and popped over to therapy. The session went well, circling the topic of using the GTD process to keep on top of the tasks piling up.

For instance, “send out e-vites for three different events” felt like the most urgent task(s), the ones I wanted to panic about. But, I couldn’t move forward on these “next actions” until I received the proofed HTML files back from another department and pulled a few mailing lists (two of which I couldn’t do myself). So while these tasks felt almost desperate, I couldn’t actually do anything about them…yet.

Then the internet went down. Oy vey. Without the internet there is very little work I can do.

So, I didn’t. I wrote and read some, had lunch and waited around for my 3pm meeting. Having an iPhone helps – I checked email and responded to things as I could. Then I made my way to my meeting (at a mansion in Brentwood aka soooooo Hollywood) and drove back home.

And for some reason today, all of this was perfectly OK. I wasn’t frustrated that I couldn’t do work, wasn’t panicking about the urgent tasks and didn’t feel the need to nap, cry, hide or yell. I was 100% cool with it all.

It was an easy day to accept things as they are. I understand this is not always the case (revisit my almost month of blues here). It started from a good frame of mind but I felt my confidence high, believed in trusting, and reassured myself things work out.

When I realized the moon would go void of course at 2:40pm I tested a theory. I thought once the moon changed the internet would come back on, the files would be emailed and I would bat out all of that work in less than an hour. Of course, launching event promotion may not be the best task for moon VOC but I’ve found it’s a super productive time for me to finish up tasks.

Crazily enough, I was right. Moon VOC, trusting in my abilities and believing things will work out.

Perfection.

{feathers still find me}

 

 

Productive Monday Holiday

Yesterday was a Monday holiday for me.

Every week should be a 3-day weekend.

I was uber-produtive, creative, relaxed and happy… even with some weird head cold that’s brewing.

I cleaned the bathroom, ran 3 loads of laundry, washed the doggie bed, walked Carter Cash for an hour, worked on an e-course, created a new journal to go with the e-course, cooked food, took care of the carpet company estimate, talked to my family 2x, read a book, journaled, worked on a video, vacuumed downstairs, dusted and vacuumed my bedroom, changed the sheets, responded to emails, and watched football (the Jets are depressing ::sigh::). All of this with energy and never really feeling pressured or upset I was doing so much cleaning alone.

(Thank you moon void of course)

Today was a pretty good day at the office, though I am right on the precipice of completely freaking out with all the work I have to do. I tried to list all of the projects and “next actions” I could think of a la Getting Things Done (GTD). It seemed to help, but more and more things keep pouring out of my head. The crazy part is – how was I not going crazy already with all of that in there? Well, I guess I was.

There’s a lot of stuff percolating – three upcoming trips, three work events, this e-course which I’m sure will dredge up some buried items and MY SISTER RELOCATING TO LOS ANGELES and sleeping on my floor for a few weeks.

It’s funny how I post here so often and hardly mention the people in my life. It’s because I don’t share this blog with anyone (though I understand it’s out in the internets) and yet I feel like I have to ask permission to write about other people on here, which would mean I’d have to talk to them about the existence of this blog. Round & round.

Anyways – I’m working on that. The above is enough for now, I think, especially if you didn’t have yesterday off and / or are a Jets fan. ‘Night.

 

A Good Day

 

I’m not sure what was going on today but my energy was odd. I ran 3miles this AM with Carter (that was great) and then at work I couldn’t concentrate. Instead of working deeply on a large project, I bounced around from task to task. On the verge of feeling frustrated, someone showed up unannounced to meet with me (first time ever in 15 months at my job). I knew that was my signal to give into the day and go with the flow.

The old me would’ve felt thrown under a bus, but I really did just go with it.

In retrospect, I accomplished a bunch of tasks, including moving some event plans along. Still, there’s a nagging sense of “could’ve done more” but tomorrow is another day.

All of this reminded me of an email I sent a friend this weekend. Below is part of what I wrote to her:

I have a fairly flexible schedule for work. This would actual be a nightmare for the me of 3 years ago, but I’ve learned through therapy and trial-and-error that I need to “put my oxygen mask on first”. Meaning, I spend a few hours in the morning taking care of myself: writing, spending time with Carter, exercising, eating and doing what I need to before I do work. Then I do all of my work at the office and then it’s back home. I’ve found you can’t do everything everyday so I pick and choose what I can. I do have things that are super important to me and I make sure those are priorities each week (exercising, sleeping, good convos with people, writing, spending time with my husband, reading and time alone).

I think the most important thing I want to pass on to other women is to be gentle with yourself. I’ve lowered my standards of a “productive” day to a “good” day… A productive day used to be to get everything done on my To Do list and maybe get to read or write. Now a good day is one where I accomplish one major work task and one major home task (clean a bathroom, grocery shop) and the rest of the day is enjoying my life. It’s a hard change to make from the crazy-NY-work-is-your-worth upbringing we experienced. Our work, being productive, does not prove our worth. You are worthy of your life and being here just by BEING you.

I took my own advice today. When I got home I didn’t force myself to do another thing on my list. Instead, I took Carter Cash out for a bike ride in the summer sun. And it was just what he and I needed. A good day.

 

Counter-Productive

{This post is for #reverb10’s 12/2/10 prompt, but our internet locked up all last night, so it’s going up now}

The emerging I wrote about is true. I’ve gained some footing in the past year. I’m starting to pull myself out of the huge ditch that I thought my life was and seeing it as the gift it is.

I am a miracle, fine. I survived childhood cancer, yes, but we’re all miracles. And how the hell did my upbringing convince me otherwise? And what’s worst is – regardless if I’m perfect (which no one is) I still believe I’m not enough.

I take in panic, anxiety and worries about how I’m not living up to some unnamed and ridiculous expectation and absorb it into my own head as if it’s how I really feel. The truth is, I don’t even know how I feel because I’m too busy absorbing other people’s bullshit.

What gets in the way of my writing? The belief that I am not enough. That doing something that is expressive and satisfying and FEELS GOOD isn’t a good use of my time and makes me a waste of a human life.

Why fill up pages of a journal if you’re not going to DO anything with it? Why put down 750 words a day if you’re not editing it? Why do ANYTHING, really, if there isn’t some sort of productive outcome? (Even though I never take the time to define “productive” or “successful” before I begin, so I have no idea where I’m going and when I want to stop, I can’t because the bar is raised higher. And with a bar that lofty, I don’t even start.)

What gets in the way of any creative work that I deem rewarding? Calling it “stupid”. That there is a huge part of me that thinks writing /music / photography is such a bullshit waste of time. “I have better things to do,” my head says, but I don’t. I really don’t.

It’s Resistance.

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