Allowing Myself

…to feel, to love, to be.

Tag: racing thoughts

Asking For Help

Thursday I took the day off. It was bliss, as each day day off is. To lift the burden of work from my mind is really something. It’s not just the relief of not having to go to the office or check email or meet with people, it’s that my brain can relax, all thoughts (aka panic) about what needs to be done when can be placed in a different corner of my mind. I feel calm, yet giddy. And I feel loved.

I’m struggling again.

Thursday was pretty awesome. I wrote, jogged 2m alone, took myself out to a cafe to write / read / draw, went food shopping with my sister and relaxed. Crazy enough I found snowflake dishes for a steal at the thrift store AND even won a Polaroid camera from Impossible Project! An awesome day, for sure.

But the demons, or whatever you want to call them, are there, lurking. I feel this fight between my righteous Type-A self and my loving soul – one wants perfection, routine and Success, the other wants to be alone on a beach or indulge in a creative project. I certainly don’t have the energy for the first. Everything feels like an energy-suck right now. And I keep ignoring the latter in order to placate the former. (Note: this is not smart)

It all piled up into painful words and tears Saturday morning. Another Saturday with work, more of my time sucked away from me. I picked a fight with H, as I always do in these moments, believing somehow that if he could just help more, love me more, listen more, I wouldn’t feel so terrible. And while I would love more of all of that from him (what girl wouldn’t?) it’s not his fault I feel this way.

It’s my fault. Or at least, it’s my responsibility. I’m the only one who can make me happy.

Getting my words out into the open with H relieved some pressure, as did a small text convo with my sister about feeling so blah. I don’t feel entirely healed, I know this is just something that comes and goes. My friend said, for her, it’s 3 months on, 3 months off. For me it seems 2 months on, 1 month off, but maybe there’s a larger cycle there I’ve not pin-pointed yet.

Writing this is asking for help. Talking to H and my sister is asking for help. Taking a day off is helpful. But I know I’m struggling with something. I know intuitively I have the answers, but my brain wants to rule the argument, pick things apart (me) until it comes to some logical conclusion…but there probably isn’t one. I have good weeks and bad weeks, we all do.

To quiet my logical mind, I need a brain-dump of To Dos and projects. Then, if I have the energy, I can break those items down into one thing per day. But mostly I need to give up the ghost, trust things are going just the way they should, and focus on creating, even if it’s at a very small level.

What do you do when you’re feeling down? How can you tell the difference between the blues and something more? xo


Sundays Are For (Week 8)


Going back to August’s blue moon, which I didn’t write about, I’ve had some pretty low days in the past few weeks. When I’m feeling good, it’s like eating cotton candy or body surfing on a wave – it feels so perfect I can’t believe I’m privy the experience. I feel so wholly me, my being encompassed by my body while my spirit permeates my surroundings. It’s like seeing at higher level.

But the downs feel pretty crappy lately. I thought I turned it around this week by visiting a friend. And I did, for a few days, but come yesterday morning, I was a loaf again. Yes, I woke up, wrote, ran 3 miles, biked with H and Carter to CVS and the bank but back at the house, I napped for two hours. I felt unable to make decisions and quite restless. While I rallied for a wedding last night, I woke up with the same shit feelings today.

Could it be the alcohol I’ve consumed? Yes. And being in the low of my astrological cycle? Yes. And don’t forget pms and this terrible heat we’re having. But I do worry it’s something larger, a foreboding feeling following me around. And because I can’t articulate it, I feel even more stress that it’ll catch me off guard and consume me.

Somehow, going to the ocean always helps, so that’s where I dragged us at 3pm today. Once I was there, our beach quilt spread out, toes in the sand, sun on my skin, book in my hand the bad feelings started to dissipate, but so very slowly. It is only now, hours later, after dinner, a cold shower and more reading that I feel mildly able to take on the week. And what a busy week it is – an event, meetings and travels.

More on that later though. Sundays are also for reading in bed, which is precisely what I’ll be doing until I fall asleep. Hope you’re all doing well out there. xo

PS – I’m reading The Night Circus and enjoying it, though it adds a hazy layer to my feelings (or is it vice-versa?) Have you read TNC yet?

That I would be good…

Life steam-rolled me, emotionally, the past few weeks even though nothing life-altering occurred. In fact, my days were pretty void of events. Isn’t that the way, though? When things are not wrapped up perfectly, with their label clearly screaming “Emergency”, you just have no idea. Can’t see the damn trees from the forest.

In the midst of it, I knew, in my core, that this is how I “used to” feel and didn’t I work oh-so-freakin’ hard the past year to get rid of this stupid, panic-stricken hateful me? Didn’t I start this blog, get a therapist and start leaving dishes in the sink in favor of a good book all because of this.exact.crap?

I made it through, obviously, we all do, but each time I scour the experience for signs of how & why it started or what I could’ve done better during it to really take care of myself. Which is maybe why it happened in the first place – I wasn’t taking care of myself.

Here’s what helped:

  • Hugs
  • Calls with friends who listen, care and think I’m freakin’ awesome
  • Walking – the neighborhood with the dog, the beach, or around a store. Being out and moving
  • Books – library borrowing, bookstore buying and reading lots
  • Playing roller-hockey
  • Artist Dates (craft store, coffee + writing, taking pictures)
  • Fresh strawberries by the pound
  • Seeing, hearing, smelling the ocean

Here’s what didn’t:

  • Twitter, Facebook and email
  • Drinking alcohol, even if it was a glass of wine with dinner
  • Thinking about or researching wedding plans
  • Beating myself up about feeling crappy

That I would be loved, even when I am not myself
That I would be good, even when I am overwhelmed
~ Alanis Morissette

These dips and curls are what makes a life. Still, I want to dig deep during these times and then coast lighter when they let me go. Or I let them go…Because once I started putting myself back at center-stage, the panic and hurt dissolved.

Things are still as unsettled as they were last week, but today I feel good. Yesterday, I felt good. My hope is to feel good tomorrow as well. It’s perspective and it’s self-love. Pressure & permission. Doing what helps and deleting what doesn’t.

“Treating myself as a precious object will make me stronger” ~Artist’s Way

Two helicopters, Two Lessons

Recently, I mentioned to a friend that I didn’t have to deal with LAPD helicopters keeping me up at night since I moved out of Los Feliz. So last night’s racket of two helicopters circling my neighborhood for upwards of 30min felt like a joke. Like, wtf? The noise was terrible, but the spotlight on a house a block over and the late hour (almost midnight) made the whole thing even more nerve-racking. I’ll admit I was actually scared.

I clicked on one light and let the dog out of his crate. I crept downstairs to make tea and diddle around on facebook to squelch my anxiety. It didn’t help much. Wide awake as I could possibly be, I got back into bed around 1AM and hoped for sleep.

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I am feeling so anxious / energetic / busy… can’t pinpoint it. My mind feels numb and blank, yet I know it’s just a facade. I am not at “overwhelmed” yet, but  that could hit at any moment. It all feels silly too b/c I don’t have too much to do. Yes, I’m busier than usual. Yes, I’m used to being along 9+hrs per day and now I’m not…but how can I feel such manic energy and then crave coffee? It is not a truly lively phase, but something else. Heck, I don’t feel lively at all! It’s like my brain and body can’t keep up with the energy…but where is that push or pull or vibe coming from?

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Intentions are important. They’re sort of like intimate, internal versions of goals. Like the idea that you can’t be “efficient” with people but you can be “effective”. Intentions are the support beams, the values, behind our goals and actions. But I’m just writing about this b/c I’m not sure what I really mean…

How can I know what I think till I see what I say?

E.M. Forster

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Mondo Beyondo Dream Lab: Play Practice Learn

This starts today. Very excited but feeling manic energy. Can’t seem to sit still. Chest full of that cold air anxiousness. Feel like I’m rushing, but there’s nothing to rush and do. It’s odd. Our trip to Vegas this weekend was great and all is well overall. I’ll post more soon. For now, you can visit the website here: DreamLab.

Come Alive

Found this quote via this video:

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive” ~Howard Thurman

Am I alive? I mean, biologically yes, but alive in the sense of passion, excitement, presence? I don’t know. The past 8 yrs or so have been pretty rough. It’s taken all I can do to keep my head above water. On paper I look great – job, boyfriend, apartment, financially stable, friends, dog etc – but internally, oh, it’s a wasteland. My internal compass has been winging around as if magnetic fields other than true North exist. I ran one way (Boston) and then the other (LA), like a dog patrolling a fence. And then I found myself here – perfect life listing and utterly paralyzed.

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Hokie-Pokie Yoga

Today was another spur of the moment action. I went to a 7am yoga class. The dog magically relieved himself faster than usual on our morning walk. I stuffed my feelings of being a bad “mom”, got him back into his crate and left the house with 20min to spare. It ended up being one of the slowest classes of my LIFE. Level 2 no less. And as frustrated as I felt, breathing into my belly and just, well, sitting… I tried to allow myself to just be OK with it. Yes, it wasn’t the warm flow type class I was looking for, but it wasn’t bad. It wasn’t a waste of time. There was nothing else I was supposed to be doing – I was right where I needed to be. I had shown up.

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Stop thinking, just write

Racing thoughts, anxiety, what ifs and worries… We’ve all been there. Some of us are there on a daily basis. As much as I wanted this blog to be a safe refuge, the first place I would begin to actually begin, there is so much anxiety  in sitting down and doing the work that I’ll do anything but that.

I’ll wash dishes, eat chocolate,freak out about laundry (hate.laundry), call my mom, worry about my finances, eat more chocolate, read blogs, nap. Anything to avoid being in that centered yet uncomfortable place where we meet ourselves. The place where ideas are organized, fleshed out and come into this world.

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