Allowing Myself

…to feel, to love, to be.

Tag: relief

#30daysofdresses – day 11

In where I’m finally feeling better. Ah, relief…

When I woke up on this day, I could tell something had shifted. I still felt anxious but I didn’t feel crushed under the weight of a dark cloud.

Got up, wrote morning pages, ran 2m with Carter, vacuumed the house (again, the fleas) and had one more good cry. Still no idea where the flood of emotions is coming from, but finally showered and out the door, I felt pretty good.

Work was easy – I had to drive really far to pick up some rentals for the work event Friday night and then went to the office. I did work in quiet, alone, listening to Jimmy Eat World and drinking a grande whole milk chai tea latte (these are my weakness lately – not so great for the calories, but wonderful for the comfort).

And I noticed that I felt… fine. Not crazy, not upset, not angry. Just totally me. Normal.

Awesome.

H had to work late, so I took Carter out for a bike ride as the sun was going down. The air was cool, it felt a little grey and chilly, and I was happy. Riding a bike, the dog trotting next to me, the sun light fading – whatever had been dragging me down seemed to dissipate and I could enjoy my life again.

That afternoon, as I waited for my Starbucks, a barrista blew by and said, “I love your dress, it’s so cute!”. Now, after 10 days of dresses, I know this dress is cute, but it’s not the cutest one I’ve worn. Nope. I’m thinking that I finally looked cute – like someone who was happy to compliment, giving off good vibes, and feeling good in my skin.

With H not home, I took full advantage and started watching Girls. Cooked myself a random dinner (whenever H isn’t home, I eat the weirdest combo of things. This night it was broccoli, Italian sausage, black beans and cheddar cheese). And just relaxed. Like, actually felt like I was relaxed.

So yeah – no fast and easy quick, no 10 Ways To Stop Losing Your Shit here… just what my friend Katie wrote in the comments on day 9: “…we’re like waves floating around; sometimes the water gets a little rough but it always passes and we float along again, rocking back and forth. Embrace whatever the water is doing, “just keep swimming” and know soon enough, the water will calm down”

Wise words. Happy Sunday xo.

Dress is Forever 21, belt is off a dress from Kohl’s and sandals are Kohl’s.

Advertisements

Done and Done

And just like that, all of the events / work stress is over. Compared to last year, I managed it all like a champ.

(Also, good to see I’m still eating some version of eggs with veggies for breakfast hah)

5 events in 4 days. Interacting with over 300 people – about 40 longer conversations. Sleep or no sleep, though I skipped the alcohol and I ate pretty well. My running slowed down a lot. The self-care increased. Even fought a small bought of food poisoning that woke me up from 3-4am on Sunday morning, 6hrs before the largest event.

The best part? I didn’t cry.

Crying, for me, is a sign that I am spent, maxed out, beyond small tweaks of help. It’s my inner 4 yr old raging, my ability to problem solve flushed down the toilet. Somehow I kept my reserves full enough that I always had that buffer.

What amazed me the most was the support I had this year compared to last year. This year I was surrounded by women, all of whom can handle events, know where to put their efforts and give great hugs. I accepted every hug I could get.

Of course it helps that this year’s events were over-attended and therefore total successes, but what matters to me, and my enjoyment of my birthday month coming up, is that I am happy… not with the results of the events, but with myself. That I am not shaming or beating myself up over the outcomes of mixers and meetings. Instead I am proud of myself – for staying as calm as possible, for drinking tons of water, for asking for and accepting help.

Such a different head-space than last year.

And today was my annual day off. Again, this year I was smarter. Instead of waiting until I was past my limit, I pre-planned my day off. So far, it’s awesome.

Off to a nap I go… xo.