Allowing Myself

…to feel, to love, to be.

Tag: seasons

Sundays Are For (Week 27)

 

 

 

Today was an up & down, moon void-of-course type of day.

We slept in late because we were out late – our friends had a big house-warming party last night. Once up, we decided to drive down to the marina to walk Carter. It’s been cold & gray, like June gloom in July. I’ll take it though. I don’t know why, but I am pining for fall and the holidays, so being able to wear jeans and a scarf this afternoon made me extra happy.

We walked the marina and a little shopping center. Brought Carter down onto this dock and saw this gorgeous bird, though I don’t know what he is. He was a brave one though, letting me getting super close to snap a photo of him.

On the way home, we went to Jamba Juice, and then I spent an hour doing yoga. Loving it so much.

We watched Battlestar Galactica, ate lunch, took showers and decided to head out for lattes. Ended up at my fav place, but Carter didn’t feel well, and his continuous coughing up fluid made it extremely annoying to sit at the coffee shop. So with coffees to go and a quick stop by Trader Joe’s, we were on our way back home.

The dinner plan was grilled carne asada, but because this day has been all about foiled plans, the gas grill wasn’t working. Dinner turn out fine, but not as amazing as I’d hoped.

H started his work vacation. It’s been a nice weekend, having him home. He’ll be around all week, which frees me up to go running alone and put some good time in at the office. Hope your weekend was enjoyable too xo

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Early Mornings With Carter

As it happens with a Sun sign changes, just last week I found my energy came back. I shifted my morning routine. Instead of getting up late, writing morning pages, and then exercising Carter, I got up earlier and exercised him first. This somehow created more space for me to do what I wanted and get to work slightly earlier somehow. The added bonus is getting outside before the heat gets to be too much.

And I just love me some early morning light on this pup.

The 4th

 

 

Happy 4th of July weekend.

The 4th holds many memories for me: driving from Long Island to Philly in traffic after our engagement party. That could’ve been the year H’s grandpa passed away suddenly. Another visit to Philly had us laid out on blankets in a park, in walking distance from his other grandparents’ home, watching fireworks. One year H went back East and I stayed here at this same apartment, walking miles with a friend to see the same firework show I saw tonight. Some years we didn’t see fireworks at all, like when my cousin got married and it was pouring rain. Or last year before our wedding, when the fireworks were scheduled for a day that wasn’t the 4th.

Back in high school, we’d all go down to Pirate’s Cove and camp… dragging supplies of grills, tents, beer and food in backpacks and via little boats. Walking, we had to beat the tide or else we wouldn’t be able to get around. I remember someone had a portable grill with a griddle and was frying eggs the next morning. I don’t remember sleeping, ever. It seems like a dream now, those nights. Walking the dunes, making out with a boyfriend, peeing in bushes…

There was one 4th that I fell hard for a guy that was all wrong for me. It’s so long ago, sometimes it feels like it didn’t happen. But it did.

And yesterday was the most normal July 4th I’ve had in forever. We slept in, took the dog to the park. We went out to our favorite breakfast place and ate pancakes and french toast and sipped coffee that was mostly creamer. We cleaned up and packed up and drove to the beach. Somehow received a parking miracle and found a patch of sand. It was crowded. We met my sister and some friends, but for a while, it was just H and I. He surfed. I read a book. Friends arrived and there were drinks. We left to go back home to feed and walk the dog, shower, and then biked back. It felt so good to be flying through the streets on my cruiser. We hung out in a bar, walked a ways to the firework show, and made it just in time.

They were huge, and magical, and loud. H kissed me with excitement. At the prettiest ones, the big golden ones that seem to shimmer and wave into the darkness, I would hear a small sound come out of my mouth – an actual “ohh” or “ahh”. They are so wonderful. I wish we had them at other times in the year. Checking that off the summer manifesto list.

I love fireworks. And I love July for all of its summer loving.

xo.

Wrote this very early this morning, up with a sick pup. It’s working out though, since I’m not very tired anyways. 

Hello July

I know I posted this picture in my June “day in the life” but I just love.it.sooooo.much. To me it’s all summertime and family time and togetherness. Just LURVE all around.

So welcome July!

It’s gonna be a busy month with traveling, vistors, work and living. But that’s what we’re here to do, right? Live. And I’ve got my summer manifesto to guide me.

Hope your month is looking as deliciously magical as mine. Let me know how it’s going in the comments. Would *love* to hear from you. xo

 

Hello Summer 2013

Today is the longest day of the year. Happy Summer!

The Sun moves from the fun-loving social, sign of Gemini into the home-loving, nurturing sign of Cancer. Being that this always feels like my luckiest and happiest time of the year, I am welcoming the transition with open arms.

Kicked off Summer 2013 a little early with my parents in town this past weekend and a trip down to Newport Beach. My brother lives 4 blocks from the beach (and you thought I was spoiled.) We visited him, laying on the hot sand, dipping toes in the ocean and enjoying the sun.

Our visitors and work has kept me from here for a bit, but I’m working on a plan to be here a lot more often. Hope you’re all well. xo

 

 

Shedding Time Again

yup.

Chase This Light

With the time and season changes, Carter Cash is now able to find hot little rays of sunlight coming in through our east facing windows. He’ll wander around, following me, doing his morning thing, but then he’ll seem to evaporate. And I find him curled into a ball in little places he would never normally nest in. It’s very cute. And I’m feeling it too – I just want to sit outside and soak up the sun. I know this is southern California, so this shouldn’t be an issue, but when that spring sun-slant starts aiming its beams for you, you feel it.

Hope things are getting springy in your neck of the woods too xo

Heartaches for the Impermanence

I’ve been thinking about ease, about changing my one little word (which I have yet to write about here), about cold and seasons and God and creativity.

But mostly I’ve been focused on getting enough sleep, drinking enough water, running my miles and staying leveled… not doing anything to tip the scales, to allow the demands of work to take me away from myself.

Wasn’t sure what to write about tonight and then remembered I’d marked this passage in the book I’m reading – Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott – where she recaps advice a priest gave her when she was considering an abortion:

“Get quiet for a moment, and then think about having the abortion: if you feel a deep secret sense of relief, pay attention to that. But if you feel deeply grieved at the thought of it, listen to that”

What a perfect way to describe our own ability to choose, to listen, to trust the inner guide.

And then this yesterday in The Right To Write by Julia Cameron:

Practice means what it says: writing is something to be done over and over, something that improves through the repetitive doing but that needs not be done perfectly… Consistency is the key to mastering the instrument that is you.

You, the writer, are a spiritual instrument. If you allow yourself to write consistently, you will become more and more finely tuned. You will become more and more fluid and expressive. As you become more fluid and expressive, you will become more vibrant, more vital, more alive.

I’ve been thinking about repetitive actions, the daily happenings, the differences within the sameness. Rituals. The idea that we’re all stalking our lives like animals, thinking it’s something to take down, eat alive, thrash about. Or we’re so dejected, we don’t even bother engaging. So disappointed that adulthood is just more laundry, more email, more snow.

But I’m learning to see the immense magic in all of this – how I want to take a photo of every freaking palm tree against a blue sky every.single.morning. How I want to show you my boots next to a patch of ice or aligned with a parking spot marked with my favorite number. How I spend every morning the same way – wake up, write, feed the dog, run, shower, eat… and I have yet to tire of this.

Instead it’s these rituals that keep me going when the pressure of work is on, or when the push and pull of days ruffle my feathers.

Tonight I called a good friend. She was in tears, dealing with the grief of losing a mentor, and talking about how it just makes everything so much more real. That we’re only here for such a short time. That the socks on the floor, or the dirty dishes aren’t really that big a deal.

That the ice I stood next to yesterday may be the only ice this year.

And I am so grateful to be in a head-space where I can fully appreciate these moments. That I could show up to support one friend last night and another today. That I can kiss my husband. That I can have my sister snuggled on the couch with my dog.

And yet my heart aches for the impermanence of it all. For the season changes, for the growing older, for the books read and unread.

There isn’t enough time, I keep thinking, over and over again.

I need you so much closer – Death Cab for Cutie

This Grateful Season – SoCal Fall

We know I complained like a baby about the heat the past few months. Some days, it felt unbearable. Others it was so perfect in the gray of the morning that you’d never know it’d be boiling hot by noon. I get it. We live in the desert. I live where we take full advantage of the water diversions of centuries and one day that water could run out.

But yesterday I took the above picture – 80s, sunny, with crisp leaves on the ground. Today it was rainy and “cold”. It was bliss. And with that I drank tea, did my work, cleaned my house and collaged a bit. And boy, did I need that.

As this Mercury Retrograde season slows me down, I’m hoping to have more days like today over the next few weeks.

 

September Season Shifts?

I want to feel like this…

But I feel more like this…

Still going through the motions. Today was full of ups and downs again, this time more jerky, the transitions rougher. Maybe it is a bought of depression. A “rough patch” as H called it.

As I walked to my car in the morning sunlight, I thought about hot chai lattes, scarves, boots, sweaters. I ache for cooler weather (it was 92* in  the Valley). I wonder what is wrong with me – H says to change something or accept it. But change what? Things are going along just as they were, but I feel different. It’s no fun.

September is always a difficult month for me. Is it just my body craving the season change and not getting it? Maybe a week on the East Coast will help realign it all.

We shall see…