Allowing Myself

…to feel, to love, to be.

Tag: self portrait

Flow: Month Three

We can sum up March as I’ve finally gotten my energy back and it’s a good thing because I am committed to a shit-ton of stuff.

I know I hardly blogged in March, but that’s OK because 3 months into 2014 and I’ve:

  • Cut back on my drinking
  • Grabbed coffee with a woman I met at the retreat 6 months ago
  • Continued running 2-5x per week, usually 2m at a time with the dog (slooooooow)
  • Started (and become obsessed) with rock climbing at an indoor gym
  • Spoke an an important meeting
  • Traveled to San Diego and Big Bear
  • Hosted 10 events for work, one of which was the most well-attended event for our office ever
  • Attended a conference and a training
  • Took care of our homelife while H took his Comps test and ran the talent show
  • Biked 10m on a hot day to see a best friend as she ran the LA marathon (go Steph!)
  • Wished my mom a happy birthday (with my siblings and the gift of an expensive purse hah)
  • Hung out with another best friend while she visited LA (hi Liz!)
  • Read two magnificent books
  • Had Conan O’Brien talk to me (thanks to a friend I made at the conference, who needed a tour around Abbott Kinney and conveniently wanted to order a hot chocolate from the Toms Shoe store right as Conan also  came in to order a coffee)

So, I’m still going with the flow. Even when I forget that flow is my word for the year – I’m working on a new level of acceptance: This is how things are – an acknowledgement of how something really is and not the half-imagined version my brain would like it to be.

Interestingly, I have no real routine – every week is different – and this will continue for April as I travel and we have family visit. Yet, I’m still functioning fine. Things are getting done, cycles are aligning with the moon, emails get answered…eventually.

I have noticed a bit of multi-tasking manic-ness creeping in. When I read Sas Petherick’s “Calling Bullshit On Multitasking” I laughed out loud. She writes: “When I feel organised, I feel more confident, more in control.”

I get that, and I agree, but I’m also aware this week how much this seems to be my season of high energy, pulling a lot of information in and (possibly soon) creating a lot of product to ship out. My energy is great, my brain feels clearer and my confidence is up. If I was swimming through rapids in January and February, March felt like I finally caught a wave.

Looking forward to riding it for the rest of April.

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September Season Shifts?

I want to feel like this…

But I feel more like this…

Still going through the motions. Today was full of ups and downs again, this time more jerky, the transitions rougher. Maybe it is a bought of depression. A “rough patch” as H called it.

As I walked to my car in the morning sunlight, I thought about hot chai lattes, scarves, boots, sweaters. I ache for cooler weather (it was 92* in  the Valley). I wonder what is wrong with me – H says to change something or accept it. But change what? Things are going along just as they were, but I feel different. It’s no fun.

September is always a difficult month for me. Is it just my body craving the season change and not getting it? Maybe a week on the East Coast will help realign it all.

We shall see…

Artsy Version

 

Day 14 – #trust 30 – something about alternative paths… I actually like today’s post but I just don’t care to write… these “big picture” prompts are too exhausting to do day after day…

What about alternate personalities, like me in this photograph? Some fleeting, artsy version of me that attends parties where people sip liquor on the rocks and smoke cigarettes on the rooftop.

Last week, in an online class, my assignment was to take pictures of my reflections as a way to see how I am in the world. I failed miserably. It felt really difficult to take pictures of myself reflected in objects — made me think about how I relate to the world around me. Maybe that’s what I can start to see as my alternative path – some extra dimension of awareness.