Allowing Myself

…to feel, to love, to be.

Tag: support

Piqued

This week I felt back on track.

I did work, hung out at home, watched season 2 of Orange Is The New Black, went running and ate healthier. I took Monday off, which was much needed. We went to the climbing gym & guys, Kal Drogo aka Jason Momoa works out at my climbing gym! (What a beautiful, beautiful man. Even H was staring.) I co-worked with my friend Billye and swam in her pool. Overall, it was a good week – quiet, productive, and pretty drama free.

I am looking for book recommendations, always. While chatting with my friend Chelsea (a big reader like me) she suggested I check out your summer reading list on the TedBlog. If YOU have suggestions for ME – would love to hear about them in the comments!

You can’t do your job well if your job is all do, from the Artifact Uprising blog. Love this blog. And can I just say, with T-10 days to go until our epic Alaska trip, I am already pinning over the AU book(s) I plan to make from our vacation photos.

But I didn’t pay for beans and water. I paid for the experience, the story, the instagram photo and to satiate my curiosity.

Pricing + marketing by Ari: $12 cup of coffee experience.

Saw Wish I Was Here last weekend. I loved Garden State, and while this movie wasn’t that good, I did enjoy it. And Zach Braff isn’t hard to look out, mmhhh. And yay for movies that have soundtracks, especially ones that include the Bon Iver song in the video below. Which, by the way, was filmed in Iceland but I like to pretend this song is on my mind right now b/c ALASKA.

Oh gosh, and this video made me tear up with how magical it is: Roadtrippers’ time-lapse of the Albuquerque Balloon Fiesta

And to continue on the teary-eyes: This little story of a guy racing his dad’s ghost in the machine of his Xbox hit me pretty hard.

If you missed it, my post about Support got a lot of shares last week. And THANK YOU x10 for reading. I’m writing for you. xo

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Support

“All problems are boring…until they’re your own.”
Red, Orange Is The New Black

For the friend who just moved away from all of us here in LA to pursue a master’s degree.

To the friend whose dealing with his mom being ill, or a grandmother passing away, or a niece being born and not being able to afford a flight to be there in person yet.

To the friends who had a little boy and came home from the hospital without a hitch.

To the friends who spent 2 weeks in the hospital while their baby girl fought off an illness.

To the friend planning her wedding, overwhelmed and frustrated, who is mad at herself it doesn’t feel like an an easier, happier time.

To the friend who lost their pet.

To the friend in the long distance relationship.

To the friend who lost her mom suddenly when she was 19.

To the friend who couldn’t find a job for 5 months despite 10 interviews.

To the friend that thought she found her dream job, and now it’s sucking really bad.

To the friend who accepted a job that is wrong for them because they have to pay the bills.

To the friend who moved to a new country.

To the friend who can’t conceive.

To the friend who found herself pregnant on (happy) accident.

To the friend who can’t quit smoking.

To the friend who can’t stop drinking.

To the friend who did stop drinking… and chooses to continue to not drink one day at a time.

To the friend who tells us they’re OK but we know otherwise.

To the friend who moved in with her boyfriend, and while it’s awesome, she misses having her own space.

To the friend who adopted a pet and is realizing it’s a lot more work then they thought.

To the friend who was was dumped.

To the friend who is home alone all day with her baby boy, loving him and going crazy from boredom.

To the friend who is eating healthy, counting calories and working out and can’t seem to lose “the weight”.

To the friend whose wedding proposal was turned down.

To the friend whose start-up hasn’t gotten funded yet.

To the friend who has no vacation time at work.

To the friend who’s waiting for the ring.

To everyone, all of us, who are scared to share problems and vulnerabilities with anyone because we all try so hard to look like we have our shit together and we think no one wants to hear it. That no one cares.

I’m here to tell you, if just for this one brief moment while you read my words –
I see you. I see you and you’re doing it. You’re kicking ass.

You’re waking up. You’re going through the day. Even if this feels impossible, even if it feels like life is damaged, I am here to say that, we’re all messed up in some way. We’re all carrying some burden and that’s OK. It’s life. We’re all doing the best we can. Really. Even you. I know it. You’re doing the best you can with what you have.

And, as one of my favorite quotes says “we’re all just walking each other home”.

I’m looking out for you. And I’m thankful you’re looking out for me. Happy Monday xo

Done and Done

And just like that, all of the events / work stress is over. Compared to last year, I managed it all like a champ.

(Also, good to see I’m still eating some version of eggs with veggies for breakfast hah)

5 events in 4 days. Interacting with over 300 people – about 40 longer conversations. Sleep or no sleep, though I skipped the alcohol and I ate pretty well. My running slowed down a lot. The self-care increased. Even fought a small bought of food poisoning that woke me up from 3-4am on Sunday morning, 6hrs before the largest event.

The best part? I didn’t cry.

Crying, for me, is a sign that I am spent, maxed out, beyond small tweaks of help. It’s my inner 4 yr old raging, my ability to problem solve flushed down the toilet. Somehow I kept my reserves full enough that I always had that buffer.

What amazed me the most was the support I had this year compared to last year. This year I was surrounded by women, all of whom can handle events, know where to put their efforts and give great hugs. I accepted every hug I could get.

Of course it helps that this year’s events were over-attended and therefore total successes, but what matters to me, and my enjoyment of my birthday month coming up, is that I am happy… not with the results of the events, but with myself. That I am not shaming or beating myself up over the outcomes of mixers and meetings. Instead I am proud of myself – for staying as calm as possible, for drinking tons of water, for asking for and accepting help.

Such a different head-space than last year.

And today was my annual day off. Again, this year I was smarter. Instead of waiting until I was past my limit, I pre-planned my day off. So far, it’s awesome.

Off to a nap I go… xo.

 

 

Intensity

“It’s like, all of a sudden life’s gotten really intense and it also happens to be 102* outside”

That’s what spilled out of my mouth to a friend on the phone while walking to my car in this stupid heat. Bingo! This is exactly what I’ve been experiencing the past few weeks. I’ve gone through three bosses via department restructuring, lost one professional support, added 7 flights and 5 events to my calendar, over-committed my time, escaped into books and generally felt out of sorts.

I’m not sure what changed today, but this is the first day I’ve felt good in a while. I remember feeling awesome on 9.14.12 but the rest of that week, hell the rest of the month, was a challenge.

Chock it up to transitions…?

  • H going back to work after summer
  • Us being back home after the wedding / honeymoon and that project being done
  • My work ramping up
  • My boss leaving + major changes in my department
  • Friends leaving LA, new friends entering my life

This is what clicked into focus this morning: Back to Work: 86 has Merlin Mann and Dan Benjamin talking about Merlin’s schedule changes related to his daughter attending school and his wife going back to work. And he says that he thought the adjustment challenge was having a more constrained work day to accomplish his tasks but that now, after he’s in the transition, he sees that it’s the anxiety of the change and being more responsible for things related to his daughter that were freaking him out.

Spot on. For me it seems to be about managing my own anxiety / fears / hustle around this shift into a new stage – yes, there’s more work on my plate but there also seems to be an intensity around it. Yes the wedding is over and now I’m a wife, but conversations with friends have shifted to engagements / weddings / houses / babies – all big deal topics that make one question their own place in life. Add the general upheaval that travel can bring, a lack of routine, and a bouncing all over work, and you have a pretty good idea of where I’m at.

But for some reason, today the anxiety dissipated. I’ll thank my morning pages writing for some of this – I’ve noticed my writing has taken me to a deeper, more supportive place this week. And serendipity: a hug from H that smoothed out my mood, a random phone call from a former boss, a conversation with a colleague, a phone call with a friend I haven’t spoken to in months… and reminding myself that I’ve felt like this before and, while something may feel wrong, nothing is wrong with me, and if I’ve worked my way out of it before, I can do it again.

Mostly, I feel proud that I was able to gently coax myself into articulating what it was that was “wrong” and ask for what I needed (even in just a quiet thought) and the help started magically appearing. A hug, a phone call, a conversation, a podcast tidbit, an email…

So relieved tonight, & so blessed. xo

Bridal Brunch / Crunch Time

Today my good friend and wedding planner, Liz, took me out to the Huntley Hotel in Santa Monica. What a dream. It was all gray and light teal, with a rooftop view of the ocean, mountains and entire stretch of coastal highway. Amazing. H and I never do fancy stuff like this, so I was super excited to enjoy the day.

And here we are: T-1 week from the wedding.

Some moments are full of excitement – for the travel, the parties, the celebration, seeing our families. Some have a hint of anxiety from unsettled tasks or mild disagreements. Mostly, I feel like we’re kicking wedding planning ass.

My mom is on the same page as me, which is a miracle. H has been a god-send. My sister and Liz are the runners on my skis, the support beams of my chaos. In other words, my sanity. Today H redid our programs to fit better on a page. I almost finished the photography questionnaire, mom and I finished the seating arrangements and we all discussed “day of” timelines.

It’s nerve-wracking to think all of this time, energy and money is going into one 8hr celebration that will be over in a week. We’re in crunch mode and I feel good. Hope this feeling continues.