Allowing Myself

…to feel, to love, to be.

Tag: tired

Living For The Love

Life is moving at lightening speed, with work event hosting and planning, trying to get as much work done as possible in the few business days before the Christmas vacation.

And yet, days goes slowly. My energy is low again, the darker evenings bring on a sleepiness I can’t battle, and I feel like tucking in – to needlepoint, to books, to hockey on TV, to bed with flannel sheets and night walks with the dog.

This morning, I read Yes by Jillian at The Noisy Plume:

…life is short.  It becomes more and more apparent to me as I watch my grandparents in the twilight of their wonderful lives, as I watch my parents age, as I see our siblings and friends having babies and growing the next generation, as I see the lines of a life well lived begin to pepper my face.  I’m not going to live forever.  Neither are you.  I am concerned that when I lay in the quiet of a failing heartbeat on my deathbed that I will regret how much time I spent worrying, how much time I spent on my computer hitting a “like” button, how many days I sacrificed making memories with the people I love on the land I adore for a small job I didn’t pour my heart and soul into.  When I realized all of this, I decided to say yes as often as possible to the people closest to me, even if there were 100 unanswered and festering emails in my inbox, even if I was straddling a deadline in the studio, even if I was running late on photo submissions for freelance work — I started setting those things aside and doing a better job of living for love, living for the love of life, living for the love of experiences.

Her words wrap around the feelings I have about the panic that sets in about events, unanswered emails, the general piles of stuff that spring up around the house and the to-do lists. In the end, it doesn’t matter. What matters is the time I’ve spent with people “living for the love of experiences”.

———

Rest keeps coming up for me too, from tweets, to blog posts, to friend’s emails. Like, OK Universe, I hear you.

November saw me travel to Boston, to Denver, to Joshua Tree. I haven’t blogged about any of it yet, and I’m not sure why. I know there is some type of flow that happens between living / experiencing life the writing / reflecting I do… and I think I may need to do even more of that to really grasp what that flow is. To articulate it to you in words.

It’s so hard to revel in this season when everything seems to be so busy busy busy. I am taking time out each day to post a photo for December Reflections. I turn the Christmas lights on at night. I’m sipping a lot of hot chocolate and letting the holiday music blast through speakers while I work. The to-do list is focused, albeit shorter and shorter to cope with my lack of energy, but even in my weariness, things are getting done.

And then this by David Whyte:

To rest is to give up on worrying and fretting and the sense that there is something wrong with the world unless we are there to put it right; to rest is to fall back literally or figuratively from outer targets and shift the goal not to an inner bulls eye, an imagined state of perfect stillness, but to an inner state of natural exchange.

Again – to move from a place of outward productivity to a place of inward enjoyment. Reflection. A different type of giving and receiving. Especially being open to receiving.

If that’s what I focus on in the the next few weeks – receiving – I should be able to sing sink* right into the holiday spirit.

*Originally I wrote sing which I thought was a wonderful slip as music seems to move me much more lately, and singing is an excellent way to move into the holiday spirit. xo

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Taking My Time

There are days of super productivity or of giving myself to the tasks at hand or even just a lot of meetings on the schedule.

Today is not one of those todays.

Today is a day where I sleep in, get up late, and still fit my morning pages in. And then I somehow get outside for a run with Carter too. And the day will be warm, but the air is still cool. We pass this woman with a beagle mix and two sleek, muscular pit bulls. She always stops and has the dogs sit and wait while I go by with my dog – her voice calm and low when she says hello. The dogs look happy and friendly, but her actions tell me to keep my distance. She owns her dogs.

Today I feel great, full of peanut butter and banana breakfast with some coffee I accidentally watered down. I check email on my phone and drive to therapy. Thoughts from my weekend away are the focus, but other things like my personality, sister and view of the world trickle in. It feels good to blab all of this out, especially to someone who is encouraging and still objective.

Off to a lunch meeting where I get to trade more ideas about work, goals and career paths.

But as the afternoon slips by, emails read and all, I feel my energy sinking. In fact, I feel a great need to lay down, so I do. A nap, then, though I’m not sure I fall asleep at all.

And my evening walk with Carter is slow and hot, the setting sun a blaze in my face as we walk home westward. And I just feel like crap.

H is downstairs playing guitar. There are turkey burgers to cook, rooms to clean before my parents visit this weekend, projects of my own I think I want to do and even work to catch up on or books to read. None of this feels possible.

The only thing that feels possible, besides writing this into the world, is laying in bed. And looking at Cute Overload.

So that’s what I do. And I laugh at the cuteness, and ask H to cook dinner, and I start to feel better. Maybe not super-crazy-productive better, but not bad anymore.

And that’s a good thing.

 

 

Ask for Space, Receive It

Today was a doozy.

It probably started yesterday, when I was already feeling cranky about too many social obligations. But, the morning coffee date helped with a latte and conversation and then a hot shower put me in a good enough mood that I rallied.

At the bbq, I laid low. Sat outside away from the game-day noise, rocking on a chair with a friend. But after three beers and the games ending, I wanted to leave. My husband did not. He wanted to stay for a round of card games. We had a small tiff as he went so far as to ask what we’d do when we go home – read a book?

Uh, ya. I was craving rest and alone time. Once we finally got to leave, and I drove us home, I took advantage and worked on my Cultivating Courage class. I sipped tea and doodled and sat in the quiet.

In bed, though, the beer, food and tea all equaled grossness. I was caffeinated, sugared-out and uncomfortable. Sleep took forever.

5am – BANG. A terrible sound jolted me from my dream. It sounded like someone was banging a bat against metal.

Crazy homeless person in the alley? Nope. It was my sister’s rabbits thumping in their cage on the balcony. I tried dealing with them myself and then woke her up to bring them inside.

By 5:30am I was wide awake, on a Monday holiday, feeling my 3m run slip away and f-ing cranky.

H suggested we get up. I suggested we walk the dog at the beach, sunrise-style. We were at the beach by 6:15am. I was cold, hungry and pissed. This was not the way I’d pictured my day off before a hell-week of work.

But now that I’m learning (and relearning) and paying attention, I went with it. Foggy head, tired eyes, cold body. I wasn’t happy, but I didn’t struggle. I snapped some photos, listened to the waves crash. We decided to drop the dog at home and go out for breakfast, husband’s treat. I inhaled eggs mondaire and coffee.

Back at the house, I crawled into bed with a heat pack and laptop. I felt too ill to sleep, too tired to do anything. It sucked. I wanted to cry. Instead, I just gave up, and went back to sleep at 9am.

It was bliss. For the first hour I just laid there with racing thoughts, but once I fell asleep, it was the boost I needed. And then I laid in bed some more, wrote morning pages, checked email, went on IG and asked to be left alone by my family (which was my courageous act of the day).

And somehow, the rest of the day, was great. My sis and I video chatted with mom quick. Then we all packed up and went to the park where H and I played roller-hockey and my sis hung with the dog. Then we hit up Trader Joe’s. Returning home, I had more work crap to deal with (apparently the Universe didn’t understand today was a day off) and when the work stuff didn’t pan out, I gave up… and did an hour of yoga. I mean, really, who AM I?!

Yoga. Hot shower. More e-course work and then dinner, prepared by my husband. And now I’m here – sitting in an arm chair in our living room, relaxed and sleepy, ready to go get a solid 8 hours of sleep. Today was like three days rolled into one, but I am grateful I did two things: asked for space and received it.

I’m learning…

 

Low Energy

Mailed out a few Christmas gifts today. You’d think being home in LA for the holidays would be relaxing – no plane rides, no long trips, and lots of time at home. But this week before Christmas still feels as hectic as if we’re flying out on Friday on our annual pre-Christmas red eye.

We’re not – and the beautiful goal of 10+ days off starting Friday afternoon is so delicious, I can’t wait. I keep doing what I think is a lot of work and yet, my to do list / stress level isn’t lessening. Today was complete scheduling chaos (thanks to the moon void of course). Things moved around, cancelled, double-booked and generally steam-rolled me from the time I woke up until about 1pm. Then I could finally focus and do work. And hardly did any. I mean, I did work, but it didn’t feel like much at all…

So I sit here now, watching the Jets lose (again) with no major thoughts in my head besides “bath” and “bed” and wondering why I’m even trying to keep my body out of either. I think I’m gonna go start the hot water now. I could use a good soak. And sleep.

Hopefully my energy is back up tomorrow. xo

Returning Home

This is what returning home after 5+ weeks of travel, events, flights and friends looks like:

  • The dog still has fleas
  • I can’t seem to get up before 8am
  • I’ve gone into nesting mode – cleaning my desk (above), fixing a towel rack, hanging frames on the wall, cleaning and cleaning some more, taking things out of the house, and making room
  • Set up the autumn decorations just in time for Halloween
  • My sister is here and crashing in our spare room (the office / music space) indefinitely
  • H is so busy with school that I’ve seen awake him for less than 6hrs since I got back Sunday
  • I unpacked but there are piles of laundry
  • The bathroom is dirty from giving the dog a bath and our daily use
  • I desperately need something new to read
  • My body hurts from my San Fran trip and my epic biking of the city (hopefully its own post soon)
  • My brain is shot from too many events, too much email, and way too much socializing
  • Digital photos are scattered and yet to be cataloged and shared
  • I have a burst of excited energy in the morning while I write, which quickly dissipates after exercising the dog
  • I’m taking the space I need even though I panic every few hours that I’m not doing enough

How’s your week going? I’ve opted out of Halloween this year, but my friends had some sweet costumes: the house from “Up”, Popeye and Olive Oyl, sexy Edward Scissorhands, a 70s couple (Afros included) and Where’s Waldo.

 

 

Yoga Makes It Better

Coming back from a trip is hard – there’s going back to work, getting back into a routine, catching up on sleep, eating better again and tiredness. It’s as if you’re running running running and bam you hit a wall. Even if it’s a relaxing trip. You’re thrown out of the vacation mindset and back to the real world.

It’s quite jarring.

That was the experience of my day. Happy to be alone, I made my way into work and started with email. I knew the moon was void of course but today it was more dream-land wasted time than tying up loose ends. My meeting was enjoyable but my conference call, smack in the middle of the day, was a slog. I won’t even go into my opinions about meetings in general suffice to say this one supported all of my reasons. It sucked up any energy I had left.

Even driving home felt confusing and tiring. Walking the dog and talking to my mom didn’t help either. I decided the only available course was yoga. It was a perfect time to test out my theory of showing up for the experience. That the act of doing yoga, the practice, is what will nourish and support me.

It worked. I did a 30min Anusara class via my YogaToday membership. Neesha is my favorite instructor and her information about energy (prana) getting stuck up in our bodies while we travel, not flowing down and out and creating that racing mind were all spot on. She even mentioned slowed bowel issues when traveling which was a negative point of my weekend trip. Amazingly helpful, the class was relaxing – like someone ironed out my kinks.

I’m not 100% back yet, but I’m getting there. Taking it as slow as I need.