Allowing Myself

…to feel, to love, to be.

Tag: to feel better

#30daysofdresses – day 11

In where I’m finally feeling better. Ah, relief…

When I woke up on this day, I could tell something had shifted. I still felt anxious but I didn’t feel crushed under the weight of a dark cloud.

Got up, wrote morning pages, ran 2m with Carter, vacuumed the house (again, the fleas) and had one more good cry. Still no idea where the flood of emotions is coming from, but finally showered and out the door, I felt pretty good.

Work was easy – I had to drive really far to pick up some rentals for the work event Friday night and then went to the office. I did work in quiet, alone, listening to Jimmy Eat World and drinking a grande whole milk chai tea latte (these are my weakness lately – not so great for the calories, but wonderful for the comfort).

And I noticed that I felt… fine. Not crazy, not upset, not angry. Just totally me. Normal.

Awesome.

H had to work late, so I took Carter out for a bike ride as the sun was going down. The air was cool, it felt a little grey and chilly, and I was happy. Riding a bike, the dog trotting next to me, the sun light fading – whatever had been dragging me down seemed to dissipate and I could enjoy my life again.

That afternoon, as I waited for my Starbucks, a barrista blew by and said, “I love your dress, it’s so cute!”. Now, after 10 days of dresses, I know this dress is cute, but it’s not the cutest one I’ve worn. Nope. I’m thinking that I finally looked cute – like someone who was happy to compliment, giving off good vibes, and feeling good in my skin.

With H not home, I took full advantage and started watching Girls. Cooked myself a random dinner (whenever H isn’t home, I eat the weirdest combo of things. This night it was broccoli, Italian sausage, black beans and cheddar cheese). And just relaxed. Like, actually felt like I was relaxed.

So yeah – no fast and easy quick, no 10 Ways To Stop Losing Your Shit here… just what my friend Katie wrote in the comments on day 9: “…we’re like waves floating around; sometimes the water gets a little rough but it always passes and we float along again, rocking back and forth. Embrace whatever the water is doing, “just keep swimming” and know soon enough, the water will calm down”

Wise words. Happy Sunday xo.

Dress is Forever 21, belt is off a dress from Kohl’s and sandals are Kohl’s.

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That Sunlight

Just putting a note up, a sign post, a marker…

That I’m feeling better. (Haven’t felt this good since here). Maybe because the Sun moved into Pisces or Venus too. Maybe because my sister secured a job (congrats to her!!) and she’ll be able to start building her own life here. Maybe because I’m wearing new clothes or because my awesome friends call and text and Facebook me. Maybe because I just have bad weeks that snowball into bad months and maybe that’s OK because I’m always here, and me, and loved…

…even if I forget.

Today LA was that most perfect temperature, where the air is deliciously warm but the heat isn’t too hot. Where I could drive down the 405 with the setting sun lighting up my car windows and the Imagine Dragons record blasting. Enjoy this little track wherever you are when you read this.

This Grateful Season – Distance

Yesterday, I was finally feeling better. Such a relief.

And this morning I felt groggy but comfortable, tired but awake. Like functioning throughout the day wouldn’t be difficult. But then that old dread hit me – I don’t know where it came from, what thought or instance set it off again.

And I thought about how this feeling correlates to the pressure I put on myself, and I thought, “pick one thing… and start”. Ok. I can do that. “Take your time.” Ok, I can do that.

So, I did. I walked the dog, listened to an awesome interview with Andrea Scher (lots of serendipity here), cooked breakfast, took a hot shower, read a few blogs, called my mom while I drove to work, and started organizing and throwing out piles of paper when I got in.

My life is pure luxury because I have a job where I control my schedule, my tasks and even my goals. Of course there are reviews and projects, people to report to (though less lately), but I have more freedom than most. It is a major blessing.

Especially during weeks like this, where it seems everyone who works on site is cranky and uncommunicative, office politics running high. Where they feel resentful and unappreciated. Where the anxiety levels are turned up to 11.

I have the luxury of distance. 3,000 miles lay between me and the person in the next cubicle. So I can just put my head down and do my work.

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For the month of November, I write each day about something I’m grateful for and call it Grateful Season. It’s my way of reviewing the amazing year I’ve had and helps me focus on blogging during the crazy holiday season uptick. Feel free to join me – just make sure you let me know!

Side note: to be honest, I feel like I’m coping out on these posts somehow. I wanted to use them as an review of my year, but instead they seem to be just daily posts. Since I invented this series, there is no “wrong” way to do it, but seriously, I was hoping to get a tad more in-depth by now.

This Grateful Season – Good Again

Feeling better, finally. Which is exactly what I’m grateful for today, but it means more. It’s comforting I’m here again, back to “normal”, at the end of a few weeks of not feeling so awesome.

My therapist asked if my moods are related to my accomplishments.

“No.” Straight answer. Accomplishing things keeps me humming along, but if I’m already down, completing tasks doesn’t do it. I’m not happy because I’m productive. I’m productive because I’m happy. And I’m happy because I’ve taken the time to recharge.

Each time it’s different but it always comes down to just giving in to whatever’s going on. To stop being so hard on myself. To stop fighting and surrender.

This time it was finally allowing myself sleep as much as I wanted. And then staying up as late as I needed. To working on an e-course and creating collages and doing yoga. To having a few drinks. To see the ocean. To getting time to cuddle with H. It took a few days to balance out, but tonight is the first night I feel luxuriously sleepy before midnight and confidence was coursing through me all day.

This is not a new lesson. Back in April I was discovering how doing what I want brings so much more pleasure to my days. Before that, I experienced a serious down time in January. That turned out to be a shame storm. I run a cycle of confident energy, then down, panic about being down, accepting it and then, back up again. It’s not dramatic – I always function, there’s good in each day, but there is a thread of this gray through things. And yet, I always bounce back… after I allow myself the space, time and care I need.

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For the month of November, I write each day about something I’m grateful for and call it Grateful Season. It’s my way of reviewing the amazing year I’ve had and helps me focus on blogging during the crazy holiday season uptick. Feel free to join me – just make sure you let me know!