Allowing Myself

…to feel, to love, to be.

Tag: unravelling

February Is The New January

Coming back, slowly.

When I powered-down for the holidays, I didn’t plan on it being for the entire month of January, but here we are, February 2nd. A whole month of 2015 gone, and almost 8 weeks since my last post.

A lot happened in that time, of course. We had quite the holiday season, the crazy huge annual work event passed (to great success), there’s dreams and schemes jotted down in my notebook, and there is a new incarnation of this site coming to soon.

2014 ended on a low, low note. I didn’t have any energy to make my bed, let alone make 2015 THE BEST YEAR YET as our culture encourages each January 1st (crazy to me, as it’s the dead of winter for most of the country).

The energy I did muster went straight into the 4 days of non-stop work for events, and now that I finally find myself with a clearer calendar (and head), a month has gone by.

Otherwise, I’m hibernating, holding space for myself, taking it slow, slow, slow. I’m reading books, exercising, eating salads again for the first time in months, and making the random friendship bracelet (as seen above).

February is my birthday month, and right now the sun is moving through Aquarius. As far as my astrological new year goes, that’s still a few weeks away, when the sun enters Pisces. So, I am still lying low.

It’s not an issue for me that I plan for 2015 in month #2, or finish up my Unravelling packet this week. Flow taught me that things take time, energy comes and goes, and it really is like catching a wave – paddling out over breakers, wading/waiting, paddling furiously, the water lifting you up, riding the energy, and coming back down for the next set.

I’m thinking of it like February is my new January. Thanks for sticking around.

Welcome 2014

Sending out a big welcome to 2014, though I’m not as good with the whole “fresh start” as everyone else on the interwebs seem to be.

I’ve realized there is a transitional phase to the years for me. It takes so much for me to process what happened in a year and writing long lists of goals whilst high on a double latte just set me up for disappointment before MLK’s birthday.

December brings an upswing in my career ambitions, the holidays take a lot of energy (I mean, boatloads, people). Not to mention, every January I have to run the largest (aka most stressful) event of my paid job, which makes the whole month pretty much a rubber-band ball of anxiety. No wonder I usually feel a bit behind as the new year starts off.

Our holiday travels were full of family, and I’m so grateful for the time with them. However the trip also involved no sleep, very little in healthy foods, and a head cold for both of us (his hit while we were still at my parents’, mine is just settling in today). Also grateful for the extra week off since we’re on school schedules, but it’s zipping by.

I’m left feeling like I can’t get enough downtime, even though I just had two weeks off from work.

With that said, I’m taking solace in the new year’s moon that just graced our world. In fact, it’s a goal of mine this year to pay attention to the lunar cycles. And as Ezzie says: If you’re having a tricky time of planning your intentions for 2014, or if you feel that the year ahead seems overwhelming in its magnitude: rest assured, it’s not just you.

Well, thank goodness. Because 2014 could be summed up as “overwhelming” even before it started. Our calendar is booked through Christmas, H is adding another professional leadership item to his schedule, and I have more events and hopes for launching things than the past two years combined.

So for the rest of the weekend, I’m working on Unraveling 2014, my INFJ business class, and digging into the first installment of Ali Edwards’ One Little Word class.

Happy new year to your and yours. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to figure it all out this week. You have the next 365 days to reach whatever goals you’ve set. And you’re probably right where you need to be.

Day In The Life: Live Is Being Lived

Lately, I’ve been up and down emotionally. When this happens, I never know exactly why and therefore randomly try things to help me feel better. Most don’t seem to work and the best plan is just to wait it out. Monday was anxiety, Wednesday was frustration, and Thursday was something close to depression.

But when I remembered it was June’s “day in the life“, I perked up. Here was something that could anchor my day. Something that would remind me to notice the moments and to choose the “better” task hour to hour.

So, I went through my day, taking photos. And I remembered my horoscope from Astrobarry last week:

In case you haven’t noticed by now, Pisces, the horoscopes I’ve been writing you lately have been pretty fucking awesome. They have mostly centered around accepting yourself for who you are, right here and right now (instead of mooning over what could’ve been or might someday be), and just reveling in the giddiness and gorgeousness and general good-time feelings wherever and whenever you can find ’em. Now, I don’t want to be a sugarcoating bliss-ninny and give you the mistaken impression that everything in life will be sunshine and rainbow and tutti-frutti ice-cream cones from here on out—hell, I bet even at the best of times, there are still some things that are functioning poorly and/or mainly serve the role of ‘giant pain-in-the-ass’. And yet, here comes a year full of Jupiter-in-the-5th, starting early next week, which is one of the loveliest astrological happenings a sign can experience: an increase of encouraging planetary energy in the house of love and romance, children and child-like wonder, pleasure and play, and all leisure-time activities which bring creative self-fulfillment. Raise the roof on that one, dear fishy! While this will not magically remove all bumps-in-the-road or thorns-in-your-side, it does support you whenever you take steps to improve your appreciative enjoyment of the world. Knowing you, the hardest part just might be determining what you most genuinely enjoy… without unduly considering everyone else’s preferences and pressures. Doing more of what you really really love, by the way, is an incredibly attractivequality.

And I focused on doing what I wanted to do.

This is the hardest thing for me. I may seem all bad-ass and confident, but sometimes the slightest look from a friend or word from H can send me off into the hustle for worthiness.

This week had plenty of that as I prepared for my annual review. Even though I just received a promotion, even though I rock my job, it sent me into a panic. Thoughts swirling about if I’ve done enough and will make the cut. If I’m liked

But I kept my focus on taking those photos. And the ideas from above: “just reveling in the giddiness and gorgeousness and general good-time feelings wherever and whenever you can find ’em… pleasure and play, and all leisure-time activities which bring creative self-fulfillment“.

And I realize now as I write this that the act of taking these photos, of noticing my life, gives value to where I’m at, allowing myself to do what I want with these precious minutes I’m given each day. And it brings creative fulfillment, which brings me deep happiness with myself and my life.

*The picture of the 3 of us on our family walk is my fav

—Related—
Ali Edward’s Day In The Life
Susannah Conway’s e-courses, especially Unravelling
Liz Lamoreux
Brene Brown

LAX > BNA

In Nashville for a work event tomorrow night. While my LAX airport experience was less than stellar, my flight was great. Even enjoyed an empty seat in my row. I listened to a podcast, finished my Unraveling packet, found my One Little Word (woo!) for 2013 and started a new book.

I spent the evening having dinner with my fab coworker and then soaking in a giant tub. I should get some sleep but I’m on PST. I’ll be up early tomorrow and busy all day, but right now the luxury of a king size bed and the sound of rain outside are enough to make me happy.

Hope your week is off to a lovely start. xo

Unraveling The Year Ahead

Each year, Susannah Conway puts together an “unraveling the year” beautiful workbook that helps you review the year and dream for the coming months. Printed it up in color today – one copy for me, one for my sister – and we spent a few hours this evening journaling, thinking and writing. It’s helped me grasp the enormity of 2012 (wedding, marriage, family, siblings moving to LA, honeymoon, other travel, so many work events, changes at work, my own ups and downs). I didn’t realize until tonight that by choosing “Trust” as my 2012 One Little Word, I also brought “Doubt” into my life. (Hopefully more on this soon).

I’m toying with a word for 2013 – I feel I’m on the brink of it being secured. In the workbook I chose a word, but I’m also feeling it’s not quite there yet. Still, it’s exciting and fun to dream about the year ahead. I ended up writing way more than my sister and tired out before I finished – so I’ll work on it again. Hoping to complete it this weekend, but maybe it needs to simmer some. We’ll see.

Get yours here: Let’s Make 2013 The Best Year Ever

Artsy Version

 

Day 14 – #trust 30 – something about alternative paths… I actually like today’s post but I just don’t care to write… these “big picture” prompts are too exhausting to do day after day…

What about alternate personalities, like me in this photograph? Some fleeting, artsy version of me that attends parties where people sip liquor on the rocks and smoke cigarettes on the rooftop.

Last week, in an online class, my assignment was to take pictures of my reflections as a way to see how I am in the world. I failed miserably. It felt really difficult to take pictures of myself reflected in objects — made me think about how I relate to the world around me. Maybe that’s what I can start to see as my alternative path – some extra dimension of awareness.

#Trust30 – Day 5 – Alaska

Still going strong, though it’s only Day 5 of #trust30. Weirdly enough, today we got up early (and full of crankiness of my part) to attend one of those time-share presentations. The gist is you sit through a one-on-one spiel where they try to sell you a time-share property and in return you’re “gifted” a small vacation for “free”. Of course, nothing is free – there is the time spent, the taxes and parking paid for, and the difficult social exchange (especially for me) of saying “No” repeatedly to someone who does this to pay his bills.

We survived, with only a small sense of guilt, and two vacations that we’ll hopefully be able to plan and use before they expire…

This morning dovetails perfectly with today’s prompt as travel is on my mind.

We listed off our Top 5 travel places on a whim… thinking more now, I’d probably edit this list, but I’m willing to travel anywhere at this point, so this will suffice for now:

  • Alaska (me)
  • Italy (mostly Rome for him, Sicily / Tuscany for me)
  • Costa Rica (us, surfing)
  • Hawaii (us, just because)
  • Europe trip (us, everywhere)

While the unknown and chaos of traveling makes me anxious, I love the adventure of it, the newness and untethered experience of being out in the world. There are so many places I want to go in my life and I’ve gone to so few.

My parents vacation to relax. We’re talkin’ reading, sleeping, swimming on the beach from sunrise to sunset, with some restaurants, ice cream and amusement park fun thrown in. We do not sightsee. In fact, I grew up on Long Island and it wasn’t until I was 14 and a wonderful neighbor convinced my mom to take us into “the City” to see “A Christmas Carol” that we actually stepped into Manhattan as a family. I’ve done more traveling in the past 3 years with my fiance’s family than I have in my entire life with my own. This is not to knock my family – I love me a beach and a book – but to have made it to the age of 18 without having flown west of Ohio is just sad to me. So, I have the travel bug…

But for today’s prompt, it’s Alaska and my weird obsession with it visiting it. From my grandmother’s stories of her cruise through the region to my reading of “Into The Wild“, there is something pure that calls my soul to Alaska. I don’t know why. Maybe when my feet touch the soil, my bones will know.

Until then, I can only dream.


The Past 4 Days…

In the past 4 days I …

  • Moved offices, in which I again made the mistake of not hiring professionals, thinking that me and my Protestant work ethic could magically move a small truck worth of stuff in one trip and under 3 hours. Thank goodness for my intelligent and patient fiance who made sure it got done as well as it was gonna in the allotted time.
  • Consumed 3 donuts, 4 cups of coffee, 1 slice of pizza, 2 bagels, maybe 5 eggs, lots of cheese and 3 pieces of cake.
  • Drove a friend to the airport.
  • Received a spontaneous invite to see Stevie Nicks’ birthday show at the Wiltern. Fucking fabulous.
  • Discussed, hoped and changed my mind about wedding plans… again.
  • Drank 3 glasses of wine and 1.5 of champagne. Not all at once.
  • Went ice skating, bike riding, roller-blading, dancing, cleaned the apartment and lifted heavy objects.
  • Celebrated a birthday and a bachelorette.
  • Hosted a brunch for 12 people, more than have ever shown up to any of our previous gettogethers.

Received an email about this e-course: “Unravelling #1: Ways of Seeing My Self“. Totally forgot it would start tomorrow, and now that I’ve just finished 12 weeks of the Artist Way, I’m psyched to have a new creative lifeline through my days, especially one I’ve waited so long to try.

Feeling a bit too tired to do much the rest of today. And that’s OK. In fact, the word “tired” is so very different from the term “burnt out”. I don’t feel burnt out because I can say whole-heartedly that none of it was aggravating, upsetting or a waste of my time, even if some of it was confusing or difficult. There was a wonderful undertone of going with the flow as if I’m really beginning to actually live the life I have and not pining for something else. The past 4 days were so full – I grateful and blessed for all of the experiences, people and energy this small span of time encompassed.

For more info:

Unravelling