Allowing Myself

…to feel, to love, to be.

Tag: wedding

On Being Married – Half a Year

I mailed out our wedding thank-yous today, which is perfect because it’s our 6 month anniversary. People ask us over and over again, “So, how’s it being married?”

At first, it was a relief. Look at all of this time we have, the freedom of our energy and finances. It seemed our life was finally going to become so “normal” and we’d go on, literally, happily ever after.

For the first 4 months, I didn’t even understand I had expectations. Our relationship has always had ups and downs, just like anyone’s. Some weeks we’re kissing and hugging, others we’re touchy, ready to snap, most weeks have a casual and loving shine to them. Safety. Love. Comfort.

I didn’t understand that I expected something to change, for better or worse (pun intended) post-vows.
But of course, expectations are there to be challenged, shattered even.

Life went on post-wedding. I went back to work. H spent the rest of his summer break and then returned to work too. He made a spur-of-the-moment decision to start grad school. I was beyond supportive, thinking it was a perfect opportunity for him, and in turn, for us. I was sucked up into the vortex of work events and traveling. He was hardly home, working 12 or 15 hour days. All of a sudden, we were on parallel schedules and had different priorities.

  • I didn’t realize how much I expected our relationship to deepen because we’d gotten married.
  • I didn’t realize how much I wanted our relationship to become immediately awesome and even possibly, problem free because we were now husband and wife.
  • I didn’t realize how much I wanted him to act as if everything was more serious / important / special because we made our vows

To my credit, I never thought “We made a mistake. We never should’ve gotten married”. It’s not that, I know, though the idea of having made a life-long commitment still freaks me out. Sometimes I think we’re nuts for having taken the plunge, like what were we thinking in the sense of messing with a good thing.

But what I’ve realized after 6 months of being married is…

Our relationship has needs. We have needs. And if we’re not making those needs and “us” a priority, the rest of life rushes in to take its place. It’s up to us to create us.

We’re awesome, whether we’re married or not, in the same apartment or not, on the same page or not. So much of me wants things to be balanced and non-confrontational, but that’s not what life is. We’re two whole human beings, trying to live our lives together. There are bound to be differences, long conversations, miscommunications. But we always try to support each other, and we’re damn good together.

– It’s up to me to define and ask for what I need. And it’s up to me to be my own best friend, loving and listening, and doing all I can to fulfill my own needs. The more I depend on him for my happiness, the more miserable I can be. Yes, he makes me happy, but I am the one responsible for my happiness. I get to choose how I experience all of this.

I’m not the only one. At Christmas dinner we all shared challenges and successes of 2012. And he said, “Being a husband. Having a wife” which made me love him even more. He felt the stress, the shifts too. He understands that I want more or that he needs to focus his energy. Being married is not easy, but I’m not in this alone.

– I am proud of us. We’ve been together 10 years, through 3 colleges, 5 states, long-distance, 3 apartments just in LA and the crazy year of our wedding and honeymoon. We’re still in love, we’re still happy together, and we have built and are building an awesome life.

– I am blessed. Whether or not he can read my mind, he always tries to give me what I want. Whether or not I am easy-going enough for him, I always try to go along with his fun plans. And at the end of the day, I love him – for how he treats me, how he lives his life and for how funny and smart he is.

I picked a good one. And I can only trust he feels the same.

“Where you invest your love, you invest your life”
Mumford and Sons


This Grateful Season – Amazing Wedding Photographers

As I wrote yesterday, our wedding on 7.7.12 this year was pretty amazing. But it wouldn’t have been as awesome, or memorable, if we didn’t have spectacular wedding photographers Seba Photography.

I have no recollection of how I found them. I was excited about them because they were the only photographers to send us full details in their initial email – prices, links to slide shows, explanations of how they work. And they were ridiculously affordable – like $500-$2000 cheaper than what I was finding. And they were in NY. And they would do multiple locations for no extra charge.

But it was when I spoke to them on the phone – when I felt at ease with the conversation, felt they loved and cared about their work, made me laugh and didn’t want to hang up – that I knew I wanted to hire them.

And then I panicked they were a scam and worried for the next 6 months they weren’t real people.

But there they were, on the day of our wedding, exactly as friendly and awesome as they’d sounded on the phone and got right to work.

They made the wedding more fun. They took care of me throughout. They made our friends and family feel comfortable. They went above and beyond – true professionals. And I was so thankful that they were more amazing than I could have hoped for that they get their own day in this grateful season 🙂


For the month of November, I write each day about something I’m grateful for and call it Grateful Season. It’s my way of reviewing the amazing year I’ve had and helps me focus on blogging during the crazy holiday season uptick. Feel free to join me – just make sure you let me know!

This Grateful Season – Kick Ass Wedding Weekend

I may never get around to writing the full-on wedding post, but it can’t go without mention. I use this grateful season to recap my year and if 2012 was anything it was the year of our wedding. I know it’s a cliche, but the whole day, the entire weekend, was perfect. It proved again and again that trusting my life to unfold brings so much more goodness than I could ever imagine alone.

I have so many amazing memories – playing watermelon rugby with our friends after the rehearsal dinner of bbq, the crazy buzz of excitement during the rehearsal, rehearsing our wedding vows with our friend who officiated while my dad drove us back to the house (later he told my mom he teared up listening to us). My pre-wedding private yoga class, my mom’s face when the hair dresser put my veil on, how my friend dropped a bottle of fizzy wine and it exploded all over the kitchen (luckily I wasn’t dressed yet). Sitting in the bridal suite with my dad, the view of the reception patio from where we took our photos, seeing my friend almost cry when she said my name, laughing during our ceremony, H’s step-mom loving our second dance song, our LA friend professing his love to us and our one table of friends toasting “La-dasha!” all night.

How our friends and family were so absolutely in love with us that I was overwhelmed with emotion. And how amazing it felt to stand up in front of everyone with H, this guy I’ve grown up with for 10 years, and speak our vows to each other, and then experience one of the best parties we’ve ever been to (if I do say so myself) and celebrate all of our hard work and love that we put into that day and our relationship together.


For the month of November, I write each day about something I’m grateful for and call it Grateful Season. It’s my way of reviewing the amazing year I’ve had and helps me focus on blogging during the crazy holiday season uptick. Feel free to join me – just make sure you let me know!

This Grateful Season – Friendship

This week I said good-bye to a friend, Elizabeth, as she packed up to leave LA. She’s moving on to a new life with her boyfriend on the East Coast. The three of us were in classes together in college and they’ve always gotten along. They reconnected last year and have been going long distance coast to coast. Having experienced that stress on my love before, I applaud them for making it to this moment.

It’s crazy to think I have friends, including Liz, that I’ve known for 10 years. And somehow many of us have ended up in Los Angeles. And if there’s anyone I can thank for getting me here in the first place, it’s Liz. We lived together for the last year and a half of college – which covered one of the worst semesters of my love life too – and all the while Liz dreamed of LA.

Due to a combination of the terrible year of my love life, college ending with no where to go and Liz’s utopian descriptions of Cali, I thought “fuck it”, dropped a class, called my parents and extended my college career one more semester. Labor Day September 2006 we landed in sunny Hollywood and never looked back. Through episodes of Grey’s Anatomy, both of us adopting our dogs, breakups, moving in with boyfriends, jobs in and out of the music industry, nail salons, interns, roommates and my wedding (!!) we’ve stayed friends no matter what side of the city we lived on.

And tonight, as she drives off to visit the Grand Canyon and makes the trip cross-country, I am sending her all of the love she wants and deserves. I would not be in LA if it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t have had an amazing wedding without her, and I certainly wouldn’t be as excited for her if I didn’t love her. Safe travels for this next leg of your life’s journey Sos – lurve you.


For the month of November, I write each day about something I’m grateful for and call it Grateful Season. It’s my way of reviewing the amazing year I’ve had and helps me focus on blogging during the crazy holiday season uptick. Feel free to join me – just make sure you let me know!

Happy Birthday Dad

Happy birthday to my dad today!

Honestly, I just wrote an entire post about my dad, the wedding, his amazing speech and how I’m so much like him, but it felt flat. Our relationship is deeper than a quick blog post. Our ups and downs more complicated than should ever be covered on the Internet.

But I wanted to write a public happy birthday for him because so much has changed for me since I was at a loss for words (and pictures) back on Father’s Day when I wrote this.

Then I wrote:

Being 20 days away from the wedding, I am most grateful for the chance to celebrate with my parents the life and relationship H and I have built. To acknowledge their support, love and influence on me as a person, and to use this as a milestone in recalibrating our relationship for the better.

I’m elated to say that the wedding was that and so much more. His father-of-the-bride speech was unbelievably intuitive, loving and really funny (see photo above). We have reset our relationship, brought it forward to the place I’d hoped for – me a productive adult with a loving spouse enjoying her parents for the people they are. And I think they’d agree all that work, and the changes, were for the better.

And the best news? Because of the awesome wedding (and the photographers) I now have a bunch of photos of me & my dad. And I’m looking forward to taking more… next stop: Vegas family vacation.

Happy birthday Dad – see you in Sin City!


Another Mercury Retrograde, moving on. I read we’re not in the clear until after August 22nd, but the official move is significant enough for me. Add Venus moving into Cancer and we’re all snug as a bug.

…my, how fast a month goes. 7.7.12

Back Home

We’re finally home.

After 20 days away, 6 plane rides, 5 different location stays, 4 rental cars, sunburn, drinking, friends, alone time and love, our wedding and honeymoon are over.

Relief outweighs sadness. Though going back to work tomorrow will be tough, I am looking forward to gaining back a routine that is our life *not* tinged with the underlying panic / excitement of wedding planning. Where those extra hours in a week are there for movie watching, grilling, friends, reading, organizing and exploring our city.

This morning we stumbled off the red-eye, got our bags, taxied it to our friend’s house to pick up the dog, unpacked and ran laundry, gave the dog a bath, went out for breakfast, napped, watched TV, read a book, and food shopped. After frozen pizza and a beer, an organizing whim took me over and I reorganized all of our toiletries and the medicine cabinet. I want to go through my clothing next, but I’d say that’s enough for one day back.

I would like to write about the wedding in all its fabulousness, the ups and downs of the honeymoon, my plans for August, our bigger plans for the future, whatever feelings are coming up about being married and a wife (seriously, eek) and what I’ve been reading and plan to read before September.

But right now, we’re all exhausted.


Looking forward to a cuddle and nice long night of sleep in my own bed this evening.


First Dance

The wedding went more perfectly than I could even plan. Every single thing was perfect. We had an amazing day and are utterly exhausted. I forgot all about posting but would like to remember during our honeymoon. Just a quick shot or update here and there.

Life goes by so fast.

“You see, George, you really did have a wonderful life”

From my dad’s toast

Almost There

We’re almost there.

I have major wedding brain and my mood today was quite low, but H is amazing with his powering through To Dos. We knocked off the printing programs, favors and table pieces. I made sure to eat lots of veggies, drink tons of water and work out for a 1/2 hour. Sleep is elusive but otherwise, I’m doing well.

Confirming the photographers today I finally had my “This is really happening moment”


Clarity, Or Lack Thereof

We’re almost there. Bags are packed. To Dos are almost completed. Work is done. A few loose ends before we get on the plane and fly.

Today was better than yesterday.

H said it best: “Everyone is like, ‘oh that’s my one and only request’. Yeah, you and everyone else”

He’s right. We’re still hanging in there but things pile up quickly. I made sure to bang through email today, clearing out my in box. I went for a massage. Feel asleep during it, the bright sun disorientating as I walked back to my car.

My brain is fried. It’s hard to put a complete thought together and have it flow from my mouth coherently. I’m looking forward to TV and reading on the plane. The adventure is just starting and I feel beat up and unprepared. It’s crazy to think, “I’m getting married this week” but I am. We are. And until then, we’ve just got to keep swimming.