If not now, when?

by justine

I woke up knowing that Mondays + Moon in Libra (not to mention over-indulgence in frozen yogurt and staying up late to wave goodbye to “Lost”) would not make for an easy morning. Small bouts of panic and disappointment swelled. As per usual, I thought “what is wrong with me?”

But then I found myself taking an old journal off my bookcase: January-June 2005. Reading about my patterns of intense drive and little self-love – all the doing, striving, accomplishing, working and yet never just being.

There’s lots of reasons why I want to blog and lots of reasons why I haven’t started yet, but to see that same undertone of despair in myself 5 years ago (5 years!) and to know those feelings still haunt me this very day, is distressing to say the least. Even though I’m in a different city, live in a wonderful apartment, have a sweet dog, an even sweeter boyfriend and have a job with immense freedom… I’m still my own toughest critic, my nagging self-doubt following me around like an abusive lover, my inner world similar to Elizabeth Gilbert’s description (watch it!): not a neighborhood you want to be in at night.

With a tiny, urgent, butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling I knew today I wanted to start. There was no “should” or “have to” but a desire to just begin and see where this takes me. Because if not now, when?

Everything isn’t going to “be ok”, it already is. I will allow myself to live my life, not as it was laid out before me, but as I want to from here on out. I am enough. And so are you.

If not now, when?