by justine

Tucked into an armchair with cookies, warm milk, the pup and Harry Potter book 4. I realize this makes me seem 8 yrs old, but that’s exactly correct. That tiny-voiced, pure strained of me inside is crying out for attention, naps, and warmth.

Time has passed – I have not written. The holidays were both purely enjoyable and utterly exhausting. Looking back, it was a blur. Wedding planning was accomplished, flights departed and arrived, gifts were exchanged. Sadly, the trip disintegrated into drinking each night to numb out the anxiety. I dream of a full 10 days at home with the fiance and dog and holiday celebrations. Some day…

But, that’s not where I’m at right now. Now, even more time has passed – the first month of the year is almost over – and I find myself knocked out again. With two major events in 4 days, and lots of administration in town, the pressure I put on myself was reminisce of the old days. As in, back when I thought my work was my worth, the hustling was ridiculous, and the pressure unreal. All internal, I may add.

You can tell me my star is shining bright (as a colleague did), and yet, I see myself at the bottom of a black hole.

Here’s a small list, since I can’t get into all of it right now:

  • I’m super sensitive. Tears have sprung forth from eyes that were, moments prior, shining with happiness. It’s a deep, wet cry that shuts off slowly. A cry of exhaustion, of surrender. (Requires loads of tissues.)
  • I crave warm milk, especially before bed, and copious amounts of tea. In better news, I’ve stopped putting sugar in my tea, tuned into the blood sugar fluctuations and effects on my mood.
  • I want it to be snowing and cold out, so I’d have an excuse to hibernate and cuddle in. At the same time, I want to stretch out in patches of sun and bake.
  • I have a small idea of what narcoleptic symptoms must feel like – my energy levels change rapidly, going from “cruising along” to “passed out” in the matter of minutes.
  • Sleep has been really deep and delicious, but accompanied by stressful dreams, one where I was bleeding to death and another where I was escaping a city being bombed (can we say, not a relaxed mental state?)
  • I feel a drawing-in that includes not wanting to be social, answer emails or pick up the phone. Quiet and still seem to be the right way.
  • In general, I just want to be left alone.

And look, I get it – I can see where most of this is coming from – the events, the pressure, the opposite-yet-equal reaction from being on on on  to literally shutting off. Yes, I managed the stress of the past month better than the me of last year could’ve, but it was still demanding, pulling on reserves that were already low. Things will even out, even if it doesn’t look like “bouncing back”.